American Chimpanzee

Congratulations to the El Paso Times for being the One Millionth! news outlet to refer to James "Not-Johnny" Holmes as The Joker, Batman's greatest villain, instead of as the broken selfish little creep that he actually is.      "This makes it all worthwhile," the Aurora, Colorado murderer said when he was informed of this milestone by the Public Defender assigned to him (and paid for by you and I, my friend).  "Before this, I was a loser, a nobody.  Now I'm...  The Joker! So I'd like to thank the media for making my fondest dream come true."      When asked how he liked prison, Holmes rubbed his backside gingerly and said, "Prison's not so bad, as long as you don't mind the anal rape."      Apparently, my worst prison nightmare is James Holmes' idea of a good date.      In the end, the joke was on Holmes.  In an attempt to look like his fantasy boyfriend, he dyed his...

It's nowhere near November, and I'm already tired of the Presidential elections.       I'm especially tired of Donald Trump mouthing off about it.  Do you ever think that Donald Trump is what the homeless imagine what a rich guy is like?  I look at Trump, and somehow I get the impression that Richie Rich was his mentor and role model.  When he makes a decision, do you think he first asks himself what that Mr. Moneybags character from the Monopoly game would do? Or Scrooge McDuck?      Speaking of Mr. Moneybags, it's too bad we can't elect him President.  I bet he could do something about the economy.  I'm not stupid, I know a fictional character can't be elected President, but doesn't it seem that that's exactly what we do every four years?      As I write this, they're reporting that the six heirs of the Wal-Mart fortune have more money than the bottom 41% of the 99%.  Where's the j...

El Paso's hard up for cash.  I understand that.  Nobody's writing songs about us any more.  Marty Robbins has died, and so has the taxpayer's desire to pay more taxes.  The only time I hear El Paso mentioned in the national news is when the news is bad.      El Paso's too fat.  Too sweaty.  Too ugly.  And that's just our City Council.      Hard choices have to be made...  and I'm just the guy to make them.      One idea I've had, and I know I'll have some opposition on this, is that we feed the animals at the Zoo the cats and dogs that aren't adopted from the Humane Society.  Feeding the animals at the Zoo is expensive, and we need to cut the cost of that somehow.  Likewise, the Humane Society.      I don't want to hear any complaints about my idea from the people who haven't bothered to adopt a dog or a cat, which is, um, just about everyb...

Give it to them?  What are you?  Deaf?      That's right, I said give it to them.       Giving Downtown El Paso to the gay community's gotta be cheaper than blowing $200 million of our tax dollars on what I see as a money pit of an idea that seems geared to make the rich richer, and the poor...  well, let's just say the poor will have to eat their cereal with a fork so they can pass on the leftover milk to the next person when they're done.      I asked Mayor Cook about it when I ran into him at the recent Gay Pride Parade, where he was looking mighty real, I must say.  I never knew he was a fan of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.      "Well, at least we'll be able to use our new baseball stadium's parking lot for free when we're busy spending our money Downtown, won't we, Mr. Mayor?"      "What do you mean your stadium?" th...

I have a plan.      I have a plan to revitalize Downtown El Paso, and it won't cost you, the taxpayer, one penny of the money you've worked so hard to squander.       It won't cost you $55 million to build a baseball stadium nobody wants for a Triple-A baseball team we may not get.  The only people who seem excited about wasting our money are the ones with access to our wallets, not anybody I've actually met or talked to.  Heck, the average El Pasoan doesn't even support the sports teams we do have, so I don't see a tsunami of enthusiasm for any sports team we don't have.  I'd say the average El Pasoan is as interested in acquiring another baseball team as the next guy, as long as the next guy is someone who isn't interested in acquiring another baseball team.       It won't cost you $3.5 million a year to lease office space for our various government agencies that will have to relocate whe...

I couldn't help but read in the El Paso Times newspaper that Afghanistan's president, Hamid Karzai, is complaining that the United States failed to consult with him before we launched an airstrike against our enemies in his country.      "How can I warn the Taliban you're attacking," he whined like a baby, "if you do not let me know in advance?"      $20 billion in his bank account later, he learned to forgive and forget.      Meanwhile, in New York City, a Hasidic Jew is complaining that he was kicked out of the police academy for refusing to trim his beard.  Man, these Middle Eastern-types really know how to complain.  You would think they were soccer players.       Former recruit, Fishel Litzman, was fired after several confrontations with the NYC police department over the length of his whiskers.      "What kind of a name is Fishel?" h...

A vitriolic, to the point of being just plain nasty, series of comments on Facebook has the Department of Public Safety patrolling the house of state Rep. Marisa Marquez from El Paso, Texas.      Tom Vinger, a spokesman for the DPS, said, "We have to put everything else on the back burner.  Child molesters, women abusers, jay walkers...  all that stuff is unimportant compared to this."  His statement was punctuated by his ignoring of a man on fire running around wildly behind him.      A state trooper was parked outside the house of the El Paso state lawmaker since Thursday, sometimes only being seen by the glow of his cell phone light, when Rep. Marquez reported a conversation on the social networking website that she felt crossed the line from political criticism to "really getting my goat."       The comments were posted on the Facebook page of Alejandro Guzman, who l...