American Chimpanzee

It's Not Too Late!   There's Still Time To Win An All-Expenses Paid Super Bowl Super Vacation!     Not only will you win 1st class air travel to and from New Orleans for the Super Bowl, but you will also receive a five day/four night stay at a luxury 5-star hotel, $5,000.00 in spending cash, and the prostitute of your choice!      Tickets on the 50-yard line? Forget about it! You will be the personal guest of either the Baltimore Ravens or the San Francisco 49ers--Your Choice!--where you'll sit in the owner's box with full access to the VIP area where the REALLY good-looking prostitutes are kept.      After the game, you will join the winning coach--either John Harbaugh or his brother Jim Harbaugh--for a well-earned soak in a jacuzzi with--no, not hookers, but--a gaggle of giggling football groupies!      Aren't you glad the Cowboys crapped out?    ...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie     Dear John:      I am a senior in high school. My boyfriend broke up with me a month after he went off to college. We had been together for nine months, and I was devastated. He was my first real boyfriend. He treated me well and cried when we broke up. He ended our relationship because it was his first time being on his own, and he didn't want anyone tying him down. He said he needs time to figure out his life. He claims I will understand when I go to college, and I am trying to accept this.      Our breakup was amicable, even though I was upset. We still text and talk on a regular basis. I know he has no intention of getting back together, at least not now. I have seen him three times since we broke up, and every time we end up sleeping together. He told me recently that he thinks he is interested in another girl.      My friends say it'...

I read with interest last Thursday's edition of the El Paso Times newspaper (1-10-13), mainly because it was my birthday and I wondered if they were making a big deal about it.      They weren't.      What I instead found was an interesting article next to another interesting article. They were both below the fold* on the front page. The first article (Man shoots pit bull after it kills grandmother's dog by Times reporter Aaron Bracamontes) was about a pit bull who cold-bloodedly murdered an innocent chihuahua.** I found it interesting because I had just posted my  Pit Bull Facts*** just a few days before.      The article, however, that really caught my attention was the one with the headline: Website says EP is 7th unhappiest city to work.**** It stood out because of its bold non-use of capital letters. It was written by Times reporter Daniel Borunda, who is much admired by his colleagues...

I wanted to let some time pass before I expressed my opinion about the whole Sun Bowl/USC brouhaha. I didn't want to write anything in anger or out of spite, such as: The USC Trojans? Any school whose mascot is named after a condom shouldn't be looking down their noses at anyone.       No, I sure didn't want to write anything like that.      What? You haven't heard about it? Sure you have. Chances are, you've just forgotten. El Pasoans have notoriously short memories. I know that's true, because I read it in Men's Health magazine. It was just before they declared us fat, but just after they reported us ugly. It seems that whenever we get any recognition, it's negative recognition. For example, when a toothpaste commercial refers to four out of five dentists, the fifth dentist is usually from El Paso.      In fact, a recent article by El Paso Times reporter Daniel Borunda, reported how CareerBliss.com...

I ran across an interesting fact the other day:      There is a pit bull attack EVERY 45 SECONDS!      I find it interesting on two levels.      One : That's an awful lot of pit bull attacks, my friends. And...      Two : I just made it up.      I find the second of these two levels interesting on two additional levels.      One : It doesn't matter that I made it up and JUST TOLD YOU that I made it up... people will believe it anyway (in fact, I'll even get comments and messages about it). And...      Two : I needed an opening to this column.      While I can't say I really know how many pit bull attacks there are in any given length of time, I do know these two things:      One : I sure am using up my share of colons this week (heh, heh... I said "colon"). And...    ...

Dear God,      The world is a big place, and it's filled with billions and billions of people, but You know as well as I do that the world doesn't need most of them. Most of the people in the world are just annoying, and the rest of us would be better off without them.      I understand that this is the season to be jolly, but how jolly can we be when we have to deal with people who get our goat on a daily basis? So I ask You, dear Lord, to answer my following prayer: please, Please, PLEASE get rid of all the jerks, low-lifes, and mentally unambitious idiots who do nothing more than take up space in this world and use up perfectly good oxygen.      No more people, Lord, who don't decide what they want at a fast food restaurant until they get to the front of the line. This especially irks me at McDonald's. McDonald's serves hamburgers. And fries. What's so difficult?      We don't need people like that,...

Well, I did it. I was able to get my little girl the hottest Christmas toy du jour of the season. The stores were all sold out, it wasn't available online, but I was able to get my hands on one with only less than 12 hours to spare.      I won't tell you how. All I'll tell you is: who needs two kidneys? Just ask comedian George Lopez's wife, who was generous enough to lovingly give her husband one of hers just before he dumped her. I don't blame George for divorcing her. Who wants to be married to a woman with only one kidney? But I digress...      No, the toy in question wasn't Sesame Street's new Tickle-My-Tonsils Elmo doll, that would be in poor taste. No, I got the The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo doll, with removable piercings and changeable tattoos. Eyebrows are optional. My little girl is five years-old. She'll love it.      And now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays are over, and all that's left is pretending ...