American Chimpanzee

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie Dear John,                 Is there any connection between low vitamin D-3 levels (mine is 15) and weight gain? I recently caught the tail end of some doctor’s show on TV and I counted back:                 Summer of 2010, I started gaining weight. I was swimming a lot for exercise, and it was packing on pretty good. By fall, I was wearing “relaxed” jeans. My weight’s settled at 230 pounds, up from 170.                 In May, my D-3 had tested at 15. I was shocked. I already had a tan, and I was taking 1,000 IU daily, but I had been listless, useless, and just thought it was my age (I’m 85). It took more than six months to get it to 51, with me sometimes taking as much as 50,000 IU three times...

I was at last year's UFO Festival in Roswell, NM when it happened.       I remember waking up on a metal surgical table in a futuristic-looking operating room.  Some kind of alien creature stood in front of me.  He--for lack of a better word--was very thin, with long skinny arms and legs.  He had a huge bald head with two big eyes.  There was something familiar about him.      "Mayor Cook, is that you?" I asked.  It looked just like the former mayor of El Paso, TX.      The creature chuckled menacingly, reached up , and with long, delicate fingers pulled off its Mayor Cook mask.  I couldn't tell the difference.  I looked around.  There were two more of its kind, whatever its kind was.  They reminded me of The Three Stooges, but from outer space.      "Don't be afraid," the alien I thought of as Moe gently told me.  "We will not harm you." ...

Well, the fix is in, and we're down to the Final Five.      Names, that is.      True to their word, the fine people who are bringing Triple-A baseball to El Paso, are giving El Pasoans the opportunity to vote on the name of the team. It began with everybody having the same chance to submit their suggestion of what the name should be, and then ended up with the MountainStar Sports Gang whittling it down to the one they want, and four that are so crappy no one would be stupid enough to vote for them.      It could backfire, I suppose. The goof vote out there might actually vote in one of the names they don't want, but I doubt it. How can I be so sure?      Well, I'll let you be the judge.      The name I'm pretty sure they want to win is the El Paso Desert Gators, which I think is a pretty cool name, despite the fact that with there being no water in El Paso, there are certainly no al...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie   Dear John,                 A dear friend of mine is pregnant, which is fantastic news… but she smokes. She has cut way down since she got pregnant, and I admire her for that. However...                 She is incredibly sensitive about it. When people ask her about her smoking habit, it makes her incredibly angry and actually seems to make her want to smoke more. She knows she needs to quit, so continually telling her that will not work.      What can I do that will encourage her to stop smoking, and not put her on the defensive.      --Anxious   Dear Anxious,                 I wouldn’t worry. In the Adult Film Industry, I’ve known “actre...

2013 NBA Finals Games Three   When Darius Rucker, formerly of the rock band Hootie & The Blowfish, failed to show up to sing the National Anthem, 11 year-old Sebastian De Las Cruz enthusiastically agreed to take his place. This is his story. The Little Mariachi Boy "Come," they told me. Pa rum pum pum pum "We're stuck with no Hootie." Pa rum pum pum pum "In traffic he's stuck, you see." Pa rum pum pum pum "And we can't start Game Three." Pa rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum So, I decided to Pa rum pum pum pum Have some fun. Though I'm native American-can, I am Latino, too, Part Mexican-can. And singing's what I do. Pa rum pum pum pum Yes, my sombrero's new. Pa rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum Still, aren't we brothers? Pa rum pum pum pum Ev'ryone. Then it started. Pa rum pum pum pum The racist jokes and...

There's a study out that says humans, as a species, are living longer, but are fatter and less healthy.      "Could this be true?" I wondered.      I decided to find out for myself, so I called one of my ex-wives for a series of tests. She showed up at my house finishing off a bucket of the Colonel's finest. I opened the door to find her using a drumstick like a toothpick. She stored the rest of the bones for later.      "They make good soup," she explained.      She lumbered inside the house, and I explained to her what I wanted to do and why. She agreed enthusiastically.      I tossed her a fish.      The first thing I had her do was sit on my scooter. The engine was running, but as soon as she sat on it I could no longer hear the rumbling of the motor. Hmmm, that was interesting.      "Okay," I told her, "you can get off it now."...

No More Rumsfeld's Rules        1) It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the dick on the dog in the fight..      2) Katie Couric and Rachel Ray. Now that's two tons of fun!      3) I'm not saying I have a big ego. I'm just saying it graduated from high school a year before I did.      4) Before you release your sex-tape, make sure you get the other person's permission first.      5) Those Georgia O'Keefe flower paintings have always reminded me of something, but I've never been able to put my finger on it.      6) Always keep a gun in your pocket in case someone asks you, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"      7) Sure, the smell of napalm in the morning might remind you of victory, but it's nothing compared to the smell of a decomposing body.      8...