American Chimpanzee

Hard-Core Advice From Hard-Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!   Dear John,      My 23-year-old daughter is out of control, and has been since she was 16. She has a 2-year-old daughter, but she lives her life on the edge. She spends her days on the Internet meeting strange men and going out with them who knows where? On weekends, she drops off her daughter with me and takes off.      She has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and prostitution, but swears she only drinks alcohol now. I get so worried and upset I find myself yelling at her and trying to prevent her from leaving with these strange men. She thinks I'm trying to control her life, but I'm trying to save her.      Here it is, Christmas, and all I'm doing is worrying that she's going to be the "gift that keeps on giving." What should I do? I'm getting too old to be stressing out about what and who she's doing.      --Stressed  ...

  On this date in l769, Dartmouth College received its charter! I know there's nothing funny about that. I just like saying ''69.'' Heh, heh.      On this date in l937, Japanese soldiers killed 3OO,OOO Chinese!  In the Japanese parlance of pre-WWII warfare, that was known as ''a good start.''          On this date in 2OOO, Al Gore conceded to George Bush!  After his embarrassing loss, the former vice-president selflessly used his time away from public service to invent blood.          On this date in 2OO3, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces! THANK YOU, PRESIDENT OBAMA!          Country superstar Taylor Swift turns 24 today! True Fact: From the neck down she looks just like Justin Bieber.          Steve Buscemi and Jamie Foxx turn 56 and 46 today! I don't know about you,...

Well, I did it. I was able to get my little girl the hottest Christmas toy du jour of the season. The stores were all sold out, it wasn't available online, but I was kind of able to get my hands on one.      I won't tell you how. All I'll tell you is: who needs two kidneys? Just ask comedian George Lopez's wife, who was generous enough to lovingly give her husband one of hers just before he dumped her. I don't blame George for divorcing her. Who wants to be married to a woman with only one kidney? But I digress...      No, the toy in question wasn't Sesame Street's new Tickle-My-Tonsils Elmo doll, that would be in poor taste. No, I got the The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo doll, with removable piercings and changeable tattoos. Eyebrows are optional. My little girl is five years-old. She'll love it.      And now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays are over, and all that's left is pretending to love the gifts you were giv...

          The world mourns Nelson Mandela on the sad day of his burial. Yet somehow, the American media made it ALL about Obama.   Obama orders all flags to fly at half-mast to honor Nelson Mandela, a TRUE American. But, sir, what about our SOLDIERS who've died? ''Who?''          Obama orders all flags to be flown at half-mast to honor Nelson Mandela. But why not for Britain's former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher when SHE died? ''Duh... she's not black.''          Except for an ill Bush 4l, all living U.S. presidents attend Nelson Mandela's funeral. For Margaret Thatcher's funeral Obama sent the head of the DMV.          ''We will never see the likes of Nelson Mandela ever again,'' eulogized President Obama, thinking about his own sad legacy.      ...

      Nelson Mandela! Dead! The hip-hop community and urban youths all mourn this great man... even though they don't know who he is or what he did.   Nelson Mandela! Dead! The hip-hop community and urban youths all mourn this great man... but there must be SOME way to blame the white devil.          Nelson Mandela! Dead! ''I'm glad I was able to show him what else I could do with my tongue before he died,'' Miley Cyrus said, twerking in sadness.          ''I'll always remember what he told me afterward,'' Miley Cyrus continued, wistfully. ''He said: 'I'm not Nelson Mandela.'''          Nelson Mandela! Dead! ''What difference does it make?'' shrieked an aging Hilary Clinton, confusing Mandela with the 4 Americans murdered by Muslims in Benghazi.          Nelson Mandela! D...