American Chimpanzee

Somewhere... in the cosmos...   "You sent for me, sir? "Yes, Clarence. A man down on Earth needs our help." "Splendid! Maybe then, sir, maybe then I'll get my wings?"      It was Christmas Eve and President Obama was sitting in the Oval Office brooding. Come the new year, he would be out and a new president would be sworn in, but there was so much left to do.      So much left to do.      Like every president who served before him, he worried about his legacy these last few days in public office. Was he too hard on Israel? Too easy on radical Islam? Should he have secured the border and fixed the ailing economy? Was it wise to bring potential terrorists possibly disguised as political refugees into the country?      Well, it was too late now. History would judge him by the results of his efforts, not by the nobility of his intentions.      "O...

In a world where the Taliban throws acid in the faces of young girls and women to keep them from going to school or getting an education, it's refreshing to read a newspaper article about Muslim women in the United States learning how to defend themselves against Americans.      When a press-hog like the then-15-year-old Muslim schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai grabs all the headlines for having the good fortune of being shot in the head (for being an education advocate in the Muslim country of Pakistan), let's all remember she survived what should have been a fatal gunshot. Besides, she didn't choose to be shot. In fact, given the choice, I'm sure she would have chosen not to have been shot.      What kind of hero is that?      Even the Nobel Prize committee, while nominating her for their Peace Prize, didn't feel she deserved to win. Instead they gave it to President Obama for... for...      Well, I rea...

A new priest arrived at the Vatican and was put in charge of the elderly priests who had spent their entire lives copying the Bible. He couldn't help but notices that they were copying by hand copies of the Bible that had already been copied by hand, and reasoned that this had probably gone on since the time of Christ.       He immediately requested an audience with Pope Francis, and, when it was granted, he told the Vicar of Christ, "Forgive me, Holy Father, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying somebody else's mistakes?"       The head of the Roman Catholic Church considered what he was told, and answered, "You make a good point, my son. I will take one of these new copies down to my personal office and study it against the original document."       And he did exactly that. ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   This should be an especially happy Thanksgiving for me. I plan on spending it celebrating my winning the presidency of the United States of America.      "What do you mean?" I can hear you saying. "We haven't seen you campaigning! We haven't seen you fund raising! We haven't even seen you on the debates! And why are we using so many exclamation points!"      Please.      That stuff's for the 99%.      As for paying for my historic run for office, I'm self-funding.      "How?" you ask.      It was easy.      I created a green energy car manufacturing company called Fisher Automotive, a beneficiary of President Obama's green energy loan guarantee program, which subsidized my company to the snap, crackle, pop of $529 million in green stimu...

Linus was heartbroken.      He had waited the entire night in his pumpkin patch, but the Great Pumpkin never showed up. All because Linus had, in a moment of weakness, shown doubt that the Great Pumpkin would appear to him that Halloween Eve.      "Good grief!" he cried out, when he realized his mistake. "I said 'if''. I meant, ' when ' he comes."      But it was too late. He was doomed. One little slip like that could cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by, and it appeared that was exactly what had happened.      "Oh, Great Pumpkin," Linus cried out into the darkness, "where are you?"      Wait a minute...      You don't know who the Great Pumpkin is?      Well...      On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the child...

Birkenstock Sandals in the Sand by Hillary Rodham Clinton   One night I had a dream.      I dreamt I was walking along the beach and God was tagging along.      Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed there were two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to me and the other to the Lord.     When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints. I couldn't help but noticed that a lot of the time there was only one set of footprints. Sad to say, but this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life, like when Bill would leave to judge the Miss Arkansas pageant or train the interns without me.     This really chapped my hide, so I confronted God about it.      "Lord," I told Him, "You promised me that once I decided to follow You,...

1) "My heart? I had that surgically removed years ago."   2) "Come with me outside so I can show you my tazer."   3) "What are you, a lesbian? You are? That's okay. My penis is so small it will be like you're making love to a woman anyway.   4) "One thing I would never do is force myself on somebody. That's what Rohypnol is for."   5) "You must be some kind of radiation, because I'm getting an abnormal growth in my pants."   6) "Me? No, I wouldn't hurt a fly. My bodyguards on the other hand..."   7) "But enough about me... Hey! Wake up!"   8) "You know, my mother never loved me."   9) "I hate women. You seem okay, though."   10) "You've heard of Clinton's Don't Ask/Don't Tell? Let me tell you about Donald Trump's Don't Ask/Don't Tell/And I Won't Have To Shoot You In The Head."     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpo...