American Chimpanzee

Schrodinger's Cat Theory as it Applies to Health and Clam Chowder   Those of you who have read the Desert Diary section of Desert Exposure--the premiere magazine of art and leisure in southern New Mexico--know that my brother takes care of our elderly father. How elderly? Well, his Social Security number is #1.      My brother got this honor when we had a family meeting to discuss who was best suited for this task, and he was the only one who showed up.      I, myself, had the pleasure of having my mother-in-law move in with my family and I for a blissful few months. Blissful, because they were so few.      What my wife didn't tell me was that her mother would be an additional person we'd have to take with us wherever we went. To dinner, on vacation, even our romantic date nights weren't safe. Let me tell you, that's not the kind of third wheel a man fantasizes about.      Not me, of co...

I write this to you because, as a fellow warrior, you're the only one who can understand.     Have you seen the movie Full Metal Jacket? It takes place in the sixties and is about the Viet Nam war. It was directed by Stanley Kubrick, whom I've always found pretentious and over-rated, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway…     There's a scene in it where a young prostitute is trying to drum up business by telling some American soldiers, "Me so horny. Me so horny. Me love you long time." The scene was so moving that the rap group Two Live Crew wrote a tender love ballad about it, also called Me So Horny. Well…     I told you that to tell you this:     I was recently at an Asian restaurant, and I innocently asked the cute little Asian waitress what the soup of the day was.     "Miso, honey," she said.     That immediately sent me into a Viet Nam flas...

Somewhere... in the cosmos...   "You sent for me, sir? "Yes, Clarence. A man down on Earth needs our help." "Splendid! Maybe then, sir, maybe then I'll get my wings?"      It was Christmas Eve and President Obama was sitting in the Oval Office brooding. Come the new year, he would be out and a new president would be sworn in, but there was so much left to do.      So much left to do.      Like every president who served before him, he worried about his legacy these last few days in public office. Was he too hard on Israel? Too easy on radical Islam? Should he have secured the border and fixed the ailing economy? Was it wise to bring potential terrorists possibly disguised as political refugees into the country?      Well, it was too late now. History would judge him by the results of his efforts, not by the nobility of his intentions.      "O...

In a world where the Taliban throws acid in the faces of young girls and women to keep them from going to school or getting an education, it's refreshing to read a newspaper article about Muslim women in the United States learning how to defend themselves against Americans.      When a press-hog like the then-15-year-old Muslim schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai grabs all the headlines for having the good fortune of being shot in the head (for being an education advocate in the Muslim country of Pakistan), let's all remember she survived what should have been a fatal gunshot. Besides, she didn't choose to be shot. In fact, given the choice, I'm sure she would have chosen not to have been shot.      What kind of hero is that?      Even the Nobel Prize committee, while nominating her for their Peace Prize, didn't feel she deserved to win. Instead they gave it to President Obama for... for...      Well, I rea...

A new priest arrived at the Vatican and was put in charge of the elderly priests who had spent their entire lives copying the Bible. He couldn't help but notices that they were copying by hand copies of the Bible that had already been copied by hand, and reasoned that this had probably gone on since the time of Christ.       He immediately requested an audience with Pope Francis, and, when it was granted, he told the Vicar of Christ, "Forgive me, Holy Father, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying somebody else's mistakes?"       The head of the Roman Catholic Church considered what he was told, and answered, "You make a good point, my son. I will take one of these new copies down to my personal office and study it against the original document."       And he did exactly that. ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   This should be an especially happy Thanksgiving for me. I plan on spending it celebrating my winning the presidency of the United States of America.      "What do you mean?" I can hear you saying. "We haven't seen you campaigning! We haven't seen you fund raising! We haven't even seen you on the debates! And why are we using so many exclamation points!"      Please.      That stuff's for the 99%.      As for paying for my historic run for office, I'm self-funding.      "How?" you ask.      It was easy.      I created a green energy car manufacturing company called Fisher Automotive, a beneficiary of President Obama's green energy loan guarantee program, which subsidized my company to the snap, crackle, pop of $529 million in green stimu...

Linus was heartbroken.      He had waited the entire night in his pumpkin patch, but the Great Pumpkin never showed up. All because Linus had, in a moment of weakness, shown doubt that the Great Pumpkin would appear to him that Halloween Eve.      "Good grief!" he cried out, when he realized his mistake. "I said 'if''. I meant, ' when ' he comes."      But it was too late. He was doomed. One little slip like that could cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by, and it appeared that was exactly what had happened.      "Oh, Great Pumpkin," Linus cried out into the darkness, "where are you?"      Wait a minute...      You don't know who the Great Pumpkin is?      Well...      On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the child...