American Chimpanzee

Didn't care for Whose Dick Is It?      Well, you're right. That game show was crap. That's why I came up with this new one that will take America by storm.      Television networks can line up to the left with their bags of cash.      Heck, I've even supplied the theme song at no extra cost.   (theme song sung to Beck's Loser )   Somos generosos. Guess the loser, baby, And you'll be a winner.   This member of the 43rd president's administration shot his friend in the face while hunting.   "Dick Cheney?"   That is correct. Vice-President Dick Cheney.   One of this Hollywood predator's sexually abused victims was a poor potted plant.   "Harvey Weinstein?"   That is correct. Former Miramax and Weinstein Company executive Harvey Weinstein.    This drummer was kicked out of the most famous band in the world just before the...

Welcome to America's hottest new game show!    He was the president who had to resigned in disgrace over the Watergate scandal cover-up.   "That's Pat Nixon's Dick."   Correct. Richard Nixon.    In a TV sitcom, this actor played the character of Darrin Stephens, who was married to a witch played by Elizabeth Montgomery.   "That's Bewitched's Dick."   Correct. Dick York or Dick Sargent, either Dick will do.   This drummer was known for the size of his nose and the number of rings he wore on his fingers.   "That's the Beatles' Dick."   Correct. Richard Starkey, better known as Ringo Starr.   Some say he was the real power behind our 43rd president.   "That's George Bush's Dick."   Correct. Vice-President Dick Cheney.   He played the black private eye "that's a sex machine to all the chicks."   "That's Shaft's Dick." ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com       "Honey," my wife said, giving me her sweetest smile. "I need you to fix the shower curtain in dad's bathroom."     “Again?” I questioned.      “Again,” she confirmed.     “But I just fixed it,” I griped.     "Well, fix it again,” she countered.     "It can't be broken," I insisted.     "And yet it is," she insisted back.     “ Again? ” I mumbled to myself, because I knew the only one in this room interested in hearing my complaints was me.     I must have fixed that darn thing--what?--eight, nine, ten times? It seems I retired from a job I enjoyed just to spend that retirement fixing my father's shower curtain. It’s not that it’s hard to fix, because it’s not, but that’s not the problem.    ...

Bob Cratchit got up from his desk as Ebenezer Scrooge hunched over his account books.      "Sir?" he said, tapping on the old man's door. "I've copied all the letters and filed the paperwork. I also brought in more firewood and swept out the ashes."      Here, Bob Cratchit paused, and then began again.      "And, well, it's closing time, Mr. Scrooge."      "Fine," Scrooge replied. "If your work is finished, you may leave."      "Mr. Scrooge?" Cratchit proceeded cautiously. "Tomorrow is Christmas, a day to spend with family."      "Christmas? Bah!" Scrooge all but spat. "Fine. Take tomorrow off, but be here early the next day."      "Yes, sir," Cratchit acquiesced. "You can count on it, sir."      Cratchit pulled his coat snug around him.      "Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge," he said, and then stood the...

What's the most important thing to take with you when camping in the wilderness? Your credit card. For when you decide to rent a room instead.   This Just In! Charles Manson! DEAD! After spending almost FIFTY years on Death row! What did he die of? Boredom.   This Just In! Charles Manson! DEAD! "Remind me," asks a perplexed President Trump, "which season of Celebrity Apprentice was he on?"    This Just In! Scientists determine alcohol causes cancer! Let's face it, EVERYTHING causes cancer.    This Just In! Mourning the death of his one true love, a brokenhearted David Cassidy follows Charles Manson to the great hippy commune in the sky.   "Smile in the mirror. Do that every morning and you'll start to see a big difference in your life," advises Yoko Ono. "Oh, and marry a millionaire."   Why Black Friday? Because White Friday is racist.   This Just In! The White House confirms...

My father and I have just returned home from an appointment with his doctor.     He doesn’t drive any more. Since he now lives with me, I find myself chauffeuring him around to conduct his personal business. I always thought the older you got, the less you did. Apparently, that’s not the case. At least with my father. I’m always taking him here or there, doing this or that.     He’s closer to the end of his century than the beginning and has been diagnosed pre-Alzheimer’s. You might think that Alzheimer’s is something that happens to someone else, but don’t fool yourself, we’re all pre-Alzheimer’s. We just need to live long enough for it to catch up with us.     It's 11am. Still early. He's studying the medicine his doctor prescribed, and which we've just picked up from the pharmacy.     "Can you believe the price of this medication?" he asks.     Of course I can. I just p...