American Chimpanzee

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Who’s Laughing Now? “everything’s fine, until it’s not”      Cleanliness is next to godliness.      That’s why, once a month, I take a bath whether I need one or not. This past month, however, I had to give myself an additional scrubbing because my very thoughtful wife scheduled our colonoscopies together.      “Couples who colonoscopy together, stay together,” she assured me.      If it wasn’t for her, I would probably avoid them altogether. Colonoscopies are not my idea of fun, although my younger sister told me she enjoyed hers.       “I don’t want to hear about your sex life,” I kidded her, but I knew what she meant. It’s relaxing to be put under and sleep a worryless slumber. Anyone with kids knows what I mean.      For some, the worst part of a colonoscopy ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Green Slimy Stuff “a good breakfast gone bad”      Sometimes, in between all the bad news, I wonder about things. Does the universe go on forever? Can life exist on other planets? Will Tide clean better than the next leading brand?      And then there’s bears.       Why are they so fast?      They’re big, they’re fat, they’re lumbering… how is it they can outrun a human being? An average man running for his life can reach 12 mph. A bear chasing that man can easily catch him at 35. Even Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest man, can’t outrun a bear. Why the discrepancy? Humans were designed for running. Bears, for hibernating up to 8 months out of the year. Just like my ex-wife.      What also doesn’t make sense is how a good morning can turn bad in the blink of an eye. You’ll remember in my la...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene The Sky Is Black! “a glitch in the simulatrix”   It was raining. Not pouring, but steady. I had already let the dogs outside to do their business. They weren't happy, but they do what they're told. My father, on the other hand, is a stubborn old coot. That’s okay. So am I.      He was sitting at the kitchen table. At the HEAD of the kitchen table. You know... MY chair.      "You'll have to skip your walk today, pop," I told him. "It's raining."      "No, it's not," he said.       My father is a man who doesn’t like to be told what to do. It had only rained all night. That morning was no different.      "Of course it's raining," I told him. "Look outside."      "I AM looking outside," he said, not looking outside.     ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Death & Other Minor Inconveniences “never ask anyone about anybody”       Hungry or not, my father insists on eating on a schedule. You know what that means? It means I eat on a schedule, too. HIS schedule. You wouldn’t believe the pounds I’ve packed on as a result. Although, if I’m honest, women are the primary reason there's more of me to love. By women, I mean Betty Crocker, Little Debbie, and Dolly Madison. My beautiful wife doesn't think I’m overweight, though. Just six inches too short for my weight. Getting back to my father, my wife’s concerned he'll choke on something while eating, so she makes me join him as a sort of culinary bodyguard. This chore is less of a calling and more of a burden because my father likes to drone on about who’s sick or has died. These conversations begin benignly enough— “Shouldn’t you be mowing the lawn?” he’ll say, confusing me with ...