American Chimpanzee

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine    RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene   Molly's Muffins “it would have been nice”      My wife is not only beautiful but she’s also very generous.  More generous than I am, that’s for sure.       We were at Molly’s Cafe this morning and my wife saw a young gentleman in a wheelchair. He was missing a leg.      “Do you see that man?” she asked me.      “No,” I said.       I told her no, not because I didn’t see him, but because I knew saying yes would cost me money.      My wife wasn’t fooled.       “Your  father  was in the military,” she said, chastising me with a sharp elbow to the ribs. She was disgusted by my financial thriftiness. Getting up, she walked over to the young man.      “Thank you for your service,” she told him, her eyes moist with tears. “I’d be honored to...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine    RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene A Big Sandwich “my own personal peccadillo”      My father just got over a cold that almost left us with an empty bedroom that would have converted nicely into an office for me. Still, the rest of us are not without our own issues. Just the other night I thoughtfully brought my beautiful wife two aspirins as she sat in bed reading.      "What are these for? " she asked. "I don't have a headache."      "Then it's a good thing you're already in bed," I said, giving her a lascivious wink.      Okay, so that's an old joke... but it's not far from the truth.       My own personal peccadillo has given me a new eating schedule. I only eat twice a day, which isn't bad, BUT--and, as you can see, it's a big "but"--I can't have any bread or bread-like substances, and THAT'S what's killin...

as featured in Desert  Exposure Magazine    RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene   Persnickety “the trouble with getting old”      I’d like to thank all my readers who wished me well in the aftermath of my full knee replacement surgery. I call it that to make the experience sound more dramatic than it actually was, but I’d like you to know that I didn’t mention my surgery as  a way to garner sympathy. I mentioned it hoping someone would start a Go Fund Me account.      Of course, I’m only kidding.      Well wishes weren’t necessary, my friends, but they were very much appreciated. It’s always nice to know that someone is out there reading these words I write, although recent correspondences have been more along the lines of “Where’s the end of your story?”       Just so you know, I have nothing to do with that, but the situation is similar to the old National Lampoon Radio H...

  RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Fast Food Favorites “Who stole my Dilly Bar?”      My two favorite fast food restaurants are Dairy Queen and Chick-fil-A.      Let me tell you why.      It’s not just the Pumpkin Pie Blizzards and Peppermint Shakes, which are available seasonally. It’s the free food I get with each purchase. You see, at the bottom of their receipts are online surveys. Take them and, for your trouble, you'll earn a complimentary Dilly Bar at Dairy Queen or chicken sandwich at Chick-fil-A. And free, my friends, is my preferred price point.      Unfortunately, the offer only comes out occasionally on the Chick-fil-A receipts, while they’re on the bottom of every Dairy Queen receipt. That makes Dairy Queen my favorite fast food restaurant by default. If you think I can be easily bought, you’re right.      The only problem is, unless Dairy Queen’s ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine   RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Guilty Me “adventures in chicken land”      My eight-year-old granddaughter and I were on the west side of town picking up her new glasses. We live on the far east side of town. Why we had to drive all this way, you'll have to ask my wife. She's beautiful, but she has no sense of distance.      “Are you hungry?” I asked her as we left the eyeglass store.      “A little,” she said.      “What would you like?”      “Chick-fil-A.”      Fortunately, there’s always one close by. The last time we stopped at this particular one we took our food to a hiking trail and had an adventure. That was before the Great Toilet Paper Shortage. She must have been five or so. The time before that she was four. We were sitting next to the playground, but the rule was she had to finish...