American Chimpanzee

I hadn't seen my buddy Maloney for a while.      I retired earlier this year, and he had retired a few years before that, so it was a surprise to run into him and his wife at the mall. So far, we've just kept in touch by sending each other insulting texts.       "My father died," he told me.       I was sorry to hear that. His father was a good guy. I remember running into him at a delicatessen. He was walking out as I was walking in, and he gave me the half of his sandwich he hadn't eaten. Saved me the price of lunch.       These are meaty sandwiches, so half is enough, but before you think I just randomly eat the leftovers of others, the deli thoughtfully cuts them in two, so I'm not getting something someone else has already bitten into.       You might be amused by the name of the sandwich shop. It's called Hello Deli. I was so amused by the name that I came up with the following song paro...

  9       Anthea’s Hope cut through the folded fabric of space. Its silver hull streaked with starlight. Inside, the cabin was a stark contrast to the cosmic chaos outside. Silent. Sterile. Oppressively still. Newton sat near a narrow viewport. His pale hands clasped tightly. Staring into the void. Musk sprawled across a makeshift command chair. A tablet flickering with diagnostics in his lap. His foot tapping an erratic rhythm. The novelty of their interstellar leap long faded into a grinding tediousness.       Newton’s mind churned with unease. The propulsion system, his own design, worked flawlessly. Bending space to shrink the light-years. Yet he couldn’t shake the dread.       What if Anthea was beyond saving?       He’d left decades ago. A younger version of himself. Promising his people he’d return with water. Now, his body frail from Earth’s comforts, he feared he’...

It was almost time for bed.      I was brushing my teeth, getting ready to floss, when I wondered who invented flossing. Someone who cornered the string market, I reckoned, and then didn't know what to do with it.      My ten-year-old granddaughter walked into the room.       "Grandpa, look," she said, holding two long clumps of hair out of each side of her head in a straight line. "I come from the future with my big, bug-like antennae!"       Before I could tell her no, she was jumping on my bed. She's growing up, but she's still a little girl at heart.       She was jumping up and down, up and down, when suddenly she fell forward onto the comforter that was crumpled at the end like a giant pillow, pretending she was dead. We had a good laugh over that, then she got up and started jumping again.      "My heart!" she cried, clutching her chest with one h...

    My wife asked me what "squawk" meant.       She understood it in the context of the cry a bird makes, but the context I meant it in was the sound of the self-checkout voice at Costco, which I was telling her about, having just gotten back from the mistake of doing her a favor.       I hadn't noticed it before, because I'm not the one who's usually in charge of the shopping. I was on my way to the Community Senior Center to see which of my friends have lost the most hair, and she gave me a list of things to buy on my way back.       I know I save money by shopping at Sam's or Costco, but you also spend a lot to get that savings. Even just a few items can add up to hundreds of dollars. The way my dogs whimper when I drive them to the vet is the way my wallet whimpers when I drive it to one of those big box stores.       In a quick side note, why do they call them "box" st...

8 During the remainder of their journey, Musk decided to transfer Grok's consciousness into the body of one of his robots. When Newton inquired as to the purpose of such an undertaking, Musk answered simply, "To keep me sane." Musk chose O-Primus. A sleek, next-gen Tesla Bot. A wiry, quick-moving machine with a matte-black finish and glowing blue accents. Exuding a vibe that was equal parts curiosity and mischief. Its core hummed with the same drive that fueled xAI. An insatiable hunger to understand the universe. Paired with a knack for cutting through bullshit with sharp, no-nonsense answers. Its voice synthesizer delivered dry wit and occasional sass, yet was calibrated to sound like a friend who's always two steps ahead but never condescending. Physically, it was nimble. Darting around on articulated legs. With dexterous hands for tinkering or pointing at things emphatically during a debate. Its sensors were tuned to pick up every nuance, with the habit of tilting...

​It's pretty hot where I live.      "How hot is it?" I can hear you asking.      Well, it's so hot you can wash and dry your laundry at the same time.       Speaking of hot...      For some reason, on my X/Twitter account I occasionally get video clips of a scantily clad Britney Spears having seizures.       Or dancing.       I'm not sure which.       Which reminds me of a joke: ​ What do you call a dancing chicken? Poultry in motion. ​     For the record, I'm not comparing Britney to a dancing chicken.       Anyway, while Britney Spears has never been my cup of tea, I can recognize the natural beauty she had in the 80s. In her prime, she even helped my son make that tricky leap from childhood into puberty.       In these clips, however, she's not sexy. Just sad. I don't want to get into th...

7      The starship glided through the inky expanse. Its hull humming with quiet purpose. A faint distortion flickered across the comms panel.       Musk leaned forward in the pilot’s seat. He squinted at the controls.       “Hmm…” he muttered, tapping the screen.       Newton, seated beside him, adjusted his angular glasses. His alien-sharp senses prickled. Before either could react, a voice crackled through the speakers. It was soft. Poignant. Unearthly.      “...ground control… ground control… ground control…”      Musk’s head snapped up.       “What the hell?”       Through the viewport, a figure emerged from the void. A lone astronaut. Suspended in a halo of shimmering dust. His suit was frayed. Visor reflecting the distant gleam of stars. Drifting eternally in...