American Chimpanzee

Well, I did it. I was able to get my little girl the hottest Christmas toy of the season. The stores were all sold out, it wasn't available on-line, but I was able to get my hands on one with only less than 12 hours to spare. I won't tell you how. All I'll tell you is who needs two kidneys. Just ask comedian George Lopez's wife, who was kind enough to give her loving husband one of hers just before he divorced her. I don't blame George for divorcing her. Who wants to be married to a woman with only one kidney? But I digress... The toy in question is The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo doll. With removable piercings and changable tattoos. Eyebrows are optional. My little girl is five years-old. She'll love it. And now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays is over, and all that's left is the pretending to love the gifts you were given, I can sit back, drink a little eggnog, and think back to a simpler time when the toys we played with...

As an urban militant straight outta Compton--and who also just happens to be gay--I've gotta shout out loud how incredibly racist I find the white songwriting community to be for ignoring the black holiday of Kwanzaa.  This ancient tradition, which dates back to pre-Tupac times, is due reparations for this blatant slight.  Reparations, that is, in the form of holiday Kwanzaa songs.  You can keep your forty acres and a mule, you racist muthafathas.      Kwanzaa, or "Kill Whitey," is from the African language of...  um, from the original..., ah, who am I kidding?  "Kwanzaa" is a made-up word that's meant to be African-sounding.  I think we succeeded.  That reminds me of the movie Skin Games,  which starred James Garner and Louis Gossett Jr.  It took place pre-Civil War, and Gossett, who played a free black man who kept being sold over and over again as a slave in a money-making s...

It came as no surprise to Kim Jong-il when the Angel of Death came for him.      "It's your time," the Angel said, holding out one skeletal hand.      Kim stood up.  As he got out of his bed he no longer felt sick.  In fact, he felt pretty good.       "I guess you are were wrong," he laughed, smugly.  "I'm feeling better."      The Angel laughed, too.  A low, gutteral laugh.      "Look behind you," the Angel said.  Kim Jong-il did.      "Hey," he chuckled.  "Who's that goofy-looking guy in my bed?"  He then took a closer look.  "Oh...  it's me."      Just then his doctor entered the room with a nurse.       Kim looked toward the Angel and said:  "I can see their hearts breaking.  We were very close."      The Angel of Death jus...

I got home from work the other night, and saw my little girl was watching the holiday classic Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer .      I grimaced.      I'm not saying that holiday special is bad (which it is), I'm just saying the only thing worse would be listening to Miley Cyrus sing Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit .  (And the only thing worse than that is watching her dance to it.)  I sat down anyway, and watched it with her.  Once again, I was reminded of that time, not so long ago, when I met a brave little pig.      I drove down to a farm in the lower valley of El Paso, because I had heard farmers tended to have attractive daughters with liberal ideas about hospitality, but, instead of a daughter, this farmer had a pig.  The pig was missing three of it slegs, one of its two eyes, both ears, its tail, and part of its snout.  ...

I was honored, to say the least, when former president and WWE champion George W. Bush called me personally and asked me to help him write his book, Decision Points .  I'd be in charge of the writing, and he'd be in charge of the cartoons.  Bush and I go a long way back.  He even gave me my nickname:  Jimmy the Saint.      We first met during Spring Break in Pensacola, Florida.  I was a sophomore at the University of South Alabama in Mobile, and he was, ahem , on leave from the National Guard.  I beat him in a tequila-drinking contest, and a life-long friendship was formed.      "Be honest, be funny, just make sure it eats up a lot of pages," he instructed, "and whatever you do, don't write about that guy we killed down in Biloxi."      It was a more innocent time.  I was chowing down on a plate of beer-boiled shrimp in some dive-bar by the beach.  It sold for 25 cents on a M...

Man's Head, Body Found Separately That man is now the Republican front runner.   Indian Girls Shed "Unwanted" Names Take a hint, African-Americans.   Young Protesters Jailed On Assault, Other Charges 29 Demonstators were arrested in Juarez, Mexico as they marched to remember the more than 8,500 people who have been killed by the drug cartels since 2008.  Why didn't the Mexican police arrest the violent drug cartel members who have been doing all of the kidnapping and raping and murdering? "Are you kidding?" Adrian Sanchez, a spokesman for the Juarez Police Dept., said.  "Those guys are dangerous!"   Women Struggle To Run For Office In Tunisia "We could use some help," the Tunisian Association of Democratic Women said before Tunisia's first free elections. "Call us when you're fighting for abortion rights," said Ms. Terry O'Neill, president of the National Organization of Women.   ...

Obama Pardons 2 Gobblers President Obama continued a White House Thanksgiving tradition by pardoning two gobblers.  Though grateful, both Monica Lewinski and former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky had no further comment.   Tent Fire Kills 13 At Eunuch Gathering This is a really sad story, but the fact that they were eunuchs makes it funny.  The only thing that would have made it funnier is if the eunuchs were midgets.  The approximately 5,000 eunuchs gathered in India for a prayer ceremony. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor. (Interesting sidebar:  Eunuchs use only one name.  Like Cher.)   Police:  Man Viewed Child Porn On Flight Once again, Jerry Sandusky had no comment.   Nearly 400,000 Deported In Fiscal Year Do you know what President Obama calls over 400,000 illegal aliens deported back to Mexico? A good start.   Justice Dept. Lawyers Say They'll Quit If Offices Close The ca...

Herman Cain can take criticism.  He just takes it to the next level, which is death.   Herman Cain can turn back time simply by focusing his intense eyes and staring it down.   Herman Cain can fill out his tax forms with just his name and not have to pay his taxes.   Herman Cain can stare at you until you explode.   Herman Cain can tell you what happened to the unicorns.  They were delicious.   Herman Cain can end his relationships by honestly saying "It's not me, it's you."   Herman Cain can drink gasoline and get 78 miles per gallon.   Herman Cain can punch you so hard you'll fly into the future and land at the feet of President Palin.   Herman Cain can swallow an Occupy Wall Street protester whole, and the end result will be a Navy Seal.    Herman Cain can finally take credit for killing Osama bin Laden.  Seal Team Six?  They're a bunch of liars.   ...

Herman Cain can shatter a mirror just by looking at it.  Not even a mirror is stupid enough to look Herman Cain in the eyes.     Herman Cain can creep out a clown.     Herman Cain can give you heartburn.  With one punch to the chest, your heart will catch fire.     Herman Cain can make Death wish it was dead.     Herman Cain can use the phrase "eat my heart out," but you can't, because Herman Cain will literally eat your heart.     Herman Cain can punch you in the face.  From the inside out.     Herman Cain can break a mirror, and it's the seven years that will have the bad luck.     Herman Cain can donate a testicle to Lance Armstrong and still be twice the man you are.     Herman Cain can be bitten by a rattlesnake, and, after days of suffering, the rattler will finally die.   ...

I was driving on the freeway making my way to one of the many early voting sites located around El Paso.  I was on the passing lane going 50 mph.  It wasn't my idea to go that slow on the fast lane.  It was the idea of the driver in the car ahead of me.  I flashed my high-beams at him in the international signal to scoot over.  He flashed me back with the longest finger on his right hand, and punctuated that gesture by hitting his brakes.  It could have been worse.       He could have been from New Mexico driving 40.       But I wasn't about to let him get me down.  It was a great day, and a great day to vote.  Besides, I thought, when we vote the same elected officials back into office again I bet you they'll finally do something about those crazy drivers.      There's a lot that we can complain about in this town.  In fact, a lot of people do nothing but complain....

Herman Cain can proudly tell you all about his 2 grown children.  It's the other 17 he doesn't like to talk about.   Herman Cain can take criticism...  that is, if you  can take Herman Cain's fist repeatedly slamming against your skull.   Herman Cain can tell you who's buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.   Herman Cain can watch 60 Minutes in just half an hour.   Herman Cain can hit a man so hard that that man's future children will be born with a fist-shaped dent in their heads.   Herman Cain can give a woman an orgasm via a third party, like UPS.   Herman Cain can go trick-or-treating, and he'll come back with a Halloween bag filled with women's virginity's.   Herman Cain can make Bill Clinton look like an amateur.   Herman Cain can leave a woman feeling satisfied with just a wink and a nod.   Herman Cain's eyes can take the place ...

I learned an interesting fact the other day as I was surfing that Devil's Playground known as the internet, and, as we all know, if it's on the internet it must be true.  The fact was this:  men are good at following orders.  Women, however, seem to need an exceptional amount of discussion before they decide to do something they're not supposed to do.  Any man who's received a gift from a woman knows this to be true.  They'll give you what they think you want, rather than what you actually want.      I remember once receiving a Teddy Ruxpin talking bear as a gift from my 2nd wife.  Why she thought I would like this children's toy is beyond me, since I had never shown a desire for a stuffed animal before, much less one that talks.      "I thought you would like it," she told me.      "Why would you think that?"  I asked her, honestly perplexed.      "Well, you like robot...

The mayor of Sunland Park, New Mexico has been ridiculed and criticized for signing a million dollar contract while he was drunk, but I can sympathize with him.  If it wasn't for being drunk I wouldn't have gotten married three out of my five times.  No, what should be ridiculed is that State Rep. Mary Helen Garcia has taken steps toward the state takeover of the city.      She contacted both the New Mexico Attorney General's office and the Department of Finance and Administration to begin the process, and told them:  "These people are so dumb it takes them an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."      The reason the State Rep. was so upset was the conduct of the Sunland Park city council during one of their recent meetings.  City Councilor Carmen Rodriguez was especially on a roll, and went down the row of fellow councilors airing her grievances.      "You're so fat," she told one, "when you go...

I was at the El Paso Central Business Association luncheon at the DoubleTree hotel when I heard Mayor Cook mention that the city is close to buying the old El Paso Saddleblanket Co. building from River Oaks Properties for $1.26 million as part of efforts to revitalize Downtown and help reduce blight in the central area.      I sat next to Mike Breitinger, executive director of the Central Business Association, and asked him:  "Won't it take a long time to revitalize Downtown?"      "Rome," he answered, "wasn't bulit in a day."      "Do you think a revitalized Downtown can attract enough people to make it worthwhile?"      "Hope springs eternal."      "Are you going to keep answering me in nothing but cliches?"      "Time will tell."      That's when I saw Mayor Cook.  He was sneaking out the back through the kitchen.  He was we...

President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--has an ace in the hole in the upcoming presidential elections, and I'm not talking about who the Republicans picked for their candidate (I'm not saying their choice was poor, but it used to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.).  That ace, my fellow 98%, is Darrin Stevens from the McMann & Tate Advertising Agency.  Mr. Stevens has been in the advertising business since the 60's, and was the creative force behind such successful advertising campaigns as Baby Bye-Bye, the happily aborted fetus.      "Thank you, mommy," Baby Bye-Bye's tagline was.  "I'm with Jesus now."      And Jesus, standing beside her, would take a deep drag from the cigarette He'd be enjoying.      "Smoke what you are," He'd say.  "Kool."      The ad was brilliant on so many different levels, but t...

When Hell is full, the dead shall walk the earth.    When President Obama calls, I jump.      It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.  But this particular favor caught me by surprise.      "I want you to go to Libya," he told me, smoothly.  "You're the only one I can trust to verify that Gaddafi is dead."      "Of course he's dead," I answered.  "We've both seen the pictures."  I paused...  and then we both broke up laughing at the same time.  Pictures.  What a joke.      "Don't worry," he assured me.  "Your little problem's been smoothed over."       That's Obama, for you.  Mr. Smooth.  And that's how I found myself in Libya, taking a freight elevator down to the basement where Libya's "liberators" kept Gaddafi's murdered body.       The elevator sto...