Headlines (Part One)

Man's Head, Body Found Separately

That man is now the Republican front runner.

 

Indian Girls Shed "Unwanted" Names

Take a hint, African-Americans.

 

Young Protesters Jailed On Assault, Other Charges

29 Demonstators were arrested in Juarez, Mexico as they marched to remember the more than 8,500 people who have been killed by the drug cartels since 2008.  Why didn't the Mexican police arrest the violent drug cartel members who have been doing all of the kidnapping and raping and murdering?

"Are you kidding?" Adrian Sanchez, a spokesman for the Juarez Police Dept., said.  "Those guys are dangerous!"

 

Women Struggle To Run For Office In Tunisia

"We could use some help," the Tunisian Association of Democratic Women said before Tunisia's first free elections.

"Call us when you're fighting for abortion rights," said Ms. Terry O'Neill, president of the National Organization of Women.

 

Obama Pardons 5, Orders 1 Set Free

The crimes of the criminals pardoned included the distribution of cocaine, conspiracy to transport stolen property, conspiracy to possess and distribute in excess of 1,000 pounds of marijuana, and conducting and directing an illegal gambling business.

Also on his list, Jeffrey Dahmer.

"What do you mean he's dead?" asks an honestly perplexed Obama.  "Why isn't that on my tele-prompter?"

 

Fatals Ahead Of 2010

The thing that immediately struck me when I read this headline is they used the word "fatals," instead of the proper "fatalities."  I'm not even sure there is such a word as "fatals." 

Where was their editor?  On Obama's pardoning list?

 

Alcohol Factor In More Than 60% Of Traffic Deaths

I hate to sound like an old geezer, but there were less alcohol related fatalities in my day.  This was because there wasn't such a concerted effort to rid the roads of drunk drivers.  Once towns and cities discovered that drunk drivers were a good source of revenue, then they decided that it was in their financial interest to keep them alive as a continuing source of income.

In my day, drunk drivers would crash, die, and then there would be one less drunk driver on the road.  That made for safer roads.  Now, with AA or rehab, we try to save the lives of every drunk who wants to get behind the wheel of his car, and, as a result, there are more drunk drivers on the road than ever before.

 

Call Renewed For Tougher DWI Laws

I remember once, back in the 70's, my buddy and I were driving home from a party at George W. Bush's dorm room.  Behind us were the flashing red lights of a police car.  The police officer told my buddy that he was too drunk to drive, and then he turned to me.

"Do you mind taking over for your friend?" he asked me.  I was just as drunk.

"Of course not, officer."

I swapped places with my buddy, and we got on the road and made it back to our apartment, safe and sound.  When we woke up the next day, still sitting in the car, we were happy to remember that the officer didn't even give us a ticket.

Now that's law enforcement at its finest!

 

Mayor Says Occupy L.A. Must Leave Camp Monday

Or what?  He'll hit them with his purse?

 

Juarez Officers Held After Crossing Border

"We just needed a hug," they explained.

 

Marine:  Fears Over Ending Gay Ban Prove Unfounded

In a related story, non-gay marines are upset that they aren't found attractive enough to be hit on by their gay counterparts.

 

Lubbock Man Gets Stuck In Chimney

I could try to find the joke, but, trust me, it wouldn't be as funny.

 

Grammy Nods Full Of Musical Surprises

The biggest surprise was when everybody discovered that all of the songs nominated sounded exactly alike.

 

Democrats To Pursue Protections For Voters

Condoms for everybody!

 

Kourtney Kardashian Expecting 2nd Child With Boyfriend

Says an ecstatic Kourney Kardashian:  "I am so incredibly happy.  My boyfriend's the sweetest, kindest, most loving man in the world!"

Says her boyfriend:  "I'm still not marrying her."

 

U.N.:  Syrian Forces Killed, Tortured 256 Children

Do you know what former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky calls Syrians?

Under-achievers.

 

 

Fifty Shades of Funny

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