American Chimpanzee

As a faux member of the Advisory Committee reporting to the FDA I felt it was my duty to inform them that, while genetically engineered salmon appears to be safe, more testing would be needed before I, in good conscience, could approve it.      "When you're dealing with the public's safety it's better to err on the side of caution.  Do the math,"  I insisted.  "Do the math."      AquaBounty Technologies, the developer of the country's first would-be genetically engineered food animal, made it clear to me that they were "unpleased" with my stipulation, and offered to give me a personal tour of their facilities.  When I declined, they also made it clear to me that I did not have a choice.      I must admit, I was very impressed with what I saw when I got there.  The farm looked very clean and state-of-the-art.      "See that," my guide pointed to a randomly selected room.  "We...

     Ring!  Ring!      "Hello?"      "Why, Mr. Weingarten, what a pleasure.  I was afraid you'd be on vacation."      "I was.  I just got back.  Your timing is very fortunate.  You caught me just before I leave on my next one."      "The reason I'm calling is because I found your latest column to be very funny.  You know, the one where you make fun of Republicans.  I know that doesn't narrow it down much, but just the same I found it very amusing.  If you'll indulge me I was hoping to ask you a few questions from a devil's advocate point of view."      "Are you a Republican?"      "I'm a conservative."      "That's even worse, because a Republican can still be liberal--just look at John McCain--but a conservative is the proverbial tiger that won't change it's stripes.  But, sure...

The following is a faux conversation I had with Gene Weingarten whose original columns appear weekly in the El Paso Times.  That is, when he's not on vacation.      "Mr. Weingarten--if that really is your name--what a nice little scam you have."      "What do you mean?"      "I couldn't help but notice that when you're on vacation the American public has to endure regurgitations of your old columns.  Pardon me, but isn't it your job to write a single column just once a week?"      "Why, yes it is."      "In that case, do you really find it necessary to take a vacation when, in fact, your whole life's a vacation?"      "Well, that's not really fair, Mr. Duchene.  I mean, I do a lot of other stuff besides write one column a week."      "Judging by your picture, Mr. Weingarten--if that really is your name--I would guess that getti...

To say the least, I was a bit surprised when the El Paso Times' editor, Chris Lopez, greeted me wearing a toga, a tie, and a corona civica.   It was November 2nd, and he had invited me to join the staff in their coverage of the election.      The newsroom was filled with men and women all dressed in togas and dancing wildly.  I ducked as a bottle of beer flew past my head and shattered against the door behind me.  I felt like I was in college again.  I looked over at the band.  Ramon Renteria was standing next to them with a shot of Jose Cuervo in one hand and a rolled taco from Chico's in the other.  He was singing into the taco as if it was a micro-phone.  Sunny Ozuna and his band were playing a corrida -influenced version of the classic Isley Brothers' song Shout .  37 minutes later they were still playing it.  A mountain of empty kegs filled one corner.  Old bathroom records were undoubtedly being broken. ...

I've been thinking about our city's identity crisis recently, and--like everyone who lives here--I can tell you why something's wrong, but I can't tell you how to make it right.      It's always easy to criticize someone else's hard work, so that's exactly what I'll do.  What am I talking about?  I'm talking about El Paso's failure to find a decent slogan.      I can't say that I love our city's current slogan.  I can't even say that I like it.  What I can say with any certainty is that I hate it.  Yes, I do.  I hate it.      Not because it isn't a good slogan, but because we paid such good money for such bad results.  I took a poll, and the only person who liked our slogan was the person who wrote it.       Could I do a better job?      Probably not, but I'd like to try.        El Paso!  Better Than A Poke In T...

On the day after Osama bin Laden was brought to justice I ran into Vince McMahon, the Head Hookah of the WWE, at Tommy Burgers.  It's my favorite place to eat in Washington DC.  I was there being debriefed by the CIA.  It went quickly.  Pakistan.  "I wasn't there."  Bin Laden.  "Never heard of him."      Vince was in Viet Nam with me, but he was there as a conscientious objector.  Why wasn't he conscientiously objecting from the United States?      "Because," he once explained to me, "who's gonna notice one more conscientious objector in a country filled with conscientious objectors?"      Even back then McMahon knew how to shine the spotlight on himself.  What I remember most about Vince was that he couldn't wait to get out of Viet Nam.      "Vince, I haven't seen you since the fall of Saigon."      "Yeah, I couldn't wait to get out...

*Sorry.  I've got nothing. The Aw, Nuts! Humor Blog jimduchene.blogspot.com RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com fanfiction.net/-jimducheneblogspotcom fanfiction.net/-raisingmyfatherblogspotcom @JimDuchene   

I must admit it was very thoughtful of President Barack Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--to fly all the way to El Paso, Texas just to wish me a Happy Birthday.  The original plan was to sneak off and spend a few days gambling at the Inn of the Mountain Gods, but, with the recent criticism of him taking too many vacations and flying to too many fund-raisers, he had to make it look like he was in town for a legitimate reason.      He came to town as part of his "I Killed bin Laden" tour, and brought Little Joe Y la Familia as his opening act.       "Just make sure you don't bring the wife and kids," I told him.      So, while the President said his speeches, shook his hands, and kissed his babies, I was led aboard Air Force One.  The plan was to play a game or two of one-on-one on the full-sized basketball court on the plane, and, after that, we were going to take a dip in the Olympic-sized swimmin...

Whatever happened to frivolous lawsuits?      One day, they were all over the news, and the next they were gone faster than my ex-wife at a Motley Crew concert.      I have a theory. Do you want to hear what it is? Of course you do. That’s because you show such good judgement. My theory is this: it’s the Democrats.      After being in power for so long, they’ve pretty much given the kind of people who like to sue everything they’ve asked for and more. It will be different by the time this is published, but right now Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are fighting over who can hand out freebies the fastest.      This doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m at an age where I’m tired of working and am looking forward to the government supporting me for a change.      I remember when, just a few years back, a California mother of two and the Center for Absconding with Public Funds w...

I've been listening to a lot of this "ding-dong bin Laden's dead!" news coverage because, well, what choice do I have?  The news is like a pit bull.  When it gets its teeth into the neck of a news story it doesn't let go until the story's as cold and dead as Charton Heston's gun-holding hands.      Conservative pundits, such as Rush Limbo and Bill O'Really, grudgingly gave President Barack Obama, the man who once saved my life in 'Nam, credit, but with a "but" so big it could be one of the Kardashian sisters.      "Obama gave the okay," to paraphrase one, "BUT the machine was already in place to take bin Laden down."      "It happened on Obama's watch," to paraphrase another, "BUT he's only benefiting from what President Bush had already done."      However, the point of view I found most amusing was the one that speculated that bin Laden had already been dead for several years, and h...