One day, they were all over the news, and the next they were gone faster
than my ex-wife at a Motley Crew concert.
I have a theory. Do you want to hear what it is? Of course you do.
That’s because you show such good judgement. My theory is this: it’s the
Democrats.
After being in power for so long, they’ve pretty much given the kind of
people who like to sue everything they’ve asked for and more. It will be
different by the time this is published, but right now Hillary Clinton and
Bernie Sanders are fighting over who can hand out freebies the fastest.
This doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m at an age where I’m tired
of working and am looking forward to the government supporting me for a change.
I remember when, just a few years back, a California mother of two and
the Center for Absconding with Public Funds were suing McDonald's Corp. claiming
that the fast-food chain deliberately used toys to turn innocent children into
brainwashed junk-food junkies.
"It's
all a part of a sophisticated, high-tech marketing scheme that's designed to
put McDonald's between me and my daughters," the California mother of two
said at a news conference I just happened to be at.
I saw her
youngest daughter, clearly touched, raise her arms for a hug.
"I
love you, mommy," she said.
"Shaddup!"
the mother of two yelled at her one, and then turned her attention back to the
reporters. She batted her eyes coyly. "Besides, I could really
use the money."
While
McDonald's was facing intense scrutiny for including toys with certain
purchases, they were quick to point out that it was possible to order their Happy
Meals with healthier selections, such as apple slices generously slathered with
tasty preservatives instead of their delicious fries, or a synthetic milk-like
substance instead of a sweet soda.
"Our
employees are only too happy to accommodate our valued customers if they
specifically request the healthier foods," the founder of McDonald's,
Ray Kroc, said. He clearly felt this matter was important enough to come back
from the dead for.
I could
see that this only made the California mother of two angrier.
"You mean now I have to 'specifically request' healthier
food items? That's just too much of a bother. Why can't the
McDonald's employees be trained to already know what I want? And what
I want is for McDonald's to stop coming between me and my family."
"I
love you, mommy!"
"Shaddup!" the
California mother of two shrieked lovingly at her most precious of possessions.
Realizing what she had done, she quickly turned her head to smile demurely at
the reporters. "Besides,” she cooed, “I could really use the
money."
Her
lawyers, who filed the lawsuit in San Francisco's state court (which,
incidentally, is an excellent city for the southwest's poor, homeless, and
mentally ill to move to due to the generosity of their welfare system and the
accessibility of their free health care), said: "We ask the court to
bar McDonald's from enticing children like fast-food pedophiles with their
toys. We do not seek damages. Not even in the amount of a single
dollar."
"What?!" The California mother of two jumped up furiously, her
eyes wide with rage. "No money? But you told me..."
"Relax,” one of her attorneys cautioned her. “We don't have a Big Mac’s
chance on Rosie O’Donnell’s dinner table of winning this lawsuit, but ever
since that woman won over three million dollars from them for being served the
hot coffee she ordered and then having the good sense to spill it on
herself, we're certain McDonald's will settle out of court and that's
where you'll get your money."
"Well…
I could always use the money,” the California mother confirmed. “After all, I’m
only doing it for my children."
“You’re the best mommy in the whole world,” her little girl said,
proudly.
“Now, honey,” the mother said, gently, “didn’t I already tell you to
shut up?”
Frivolous Lawsuits? Not In El Paso, Baby!
American Chimpanzee
jimduchene.blogspot.com
RaisingMyFather.blogspot.com
@JimDuchene
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