American Chimpanzee

It was that damn Time Magazine cover that set me off.  The shocking one with the pretty Muslim girl on it.  Her nose brutally cut off.  I know it's been months later, but it still haunts me.      "Somebody should do something," I said recently to my loving wife.      "What about you ?" my wife answered back.      "Me?  I can't even get myself published in the El Paso Times without writing a column about the editor and three of his reporters.  What can I do?"      Her challenge, however, stuck in my mind tighter than Rosie O'Donnell in an airplane seat.  What about me?  What could I do?  And what's up with these italics ?      I decided to get on the phone and confront Ms. Terry O'Neill, current president of NOW, the National Organization of Women.  I hadn't seen her since we attended the wedding of Ellen DeGeneres to Portia de Rossi....

Since Rick Perry, our own state Governor and future President of the United States of America, has erroneous impressions of Downtown El Paso, it's no surprise that El Pasoans also have misperceptions.      A summary of a report, titled El Paso Downtown Perceptions 2011 Survey, was presented at the Downtown Management District board of directors meeting.  They were all in agreement that the survey "Sure did have a lot of words," and "Do we really have to read it?"      Before it becomes available to the public, it will first be presented to City Council, just as soon as they're done persecuting Pastor Tom Brown.      Like our elected officials, I don't need to read the report to have an opinion about it.  I have my own bad impressions of Downtown El Paso (I swear, I thought that girl was just asking me for a ride.  I didn't know she was an undercover police officer.  Honest.), so I went there mys...

El Paso gets a bad rap.      I read in a recent poll that Casey Anthony comes out ahead of our great city in likeability.  It may be our proximity to one of the most dangerous cities in the world.  It may be a misunderstanding of who we are as a community.  It may be that we get mistaken for Snooki from The Jersey Shore on MTV.      Who knows?      That's why, I suppose, our city officials sent out 4,100 copies of a survey to local businesses.  That's a nice round number.  They would have sent more, but they ran out of paper.  They sent them to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, REDCo, and The Red Parrot Topless Bar.       I got my hands on a copy of the survey.  Well, actually my ten year-old daughter did.  She was selling lemonade in front of our house when Deputy City Manager Debbie Hamlyn handed her a copy.       "Do you want any ...

I can't believe it.  I'm still full.  I got four days off for this past Thanksgiving holiday, and I've spent the entire time digesting.  So (since I'm just sitting here, unable to move) I think this is the perfect time for me to reflect on the things I'm thankful for.      First, I'm thankful to have been born and raised right here in El Paso, Texas.  Early in my life I suffered from an ailment that most El Pasoans seem to have.  It's a mental condition where you think that any other place is better than this place, so I chose to go to college out of state in Mobile, Alabama.  I had a great time and thought that I might continue living there after I graduated.  That is, until Hurricane Frederick dropped a tree on top of my truck.  It was then I decided that moving back to El Paso was better than dying.  Sandstorms were annoying, but they wouldn't kill me.      I'm thankful for the water shortage we ha...

(The following is an excerpt.)   In My Time by Dick Cheney   September 11, 2001   Prologue:  Special Agent Jimmy Scott burst through the door.  "Mr. Vice President, we've got to leave now," he told me.  My body stiffened at his words.      Nobody tells Dick Cheney what to do.       Before I could reply he moved behind my desk, put one hand on my belt, another on my shoulder, and tried to propel me out of my office toward the "PEOC," the Presidential Emergency Operations Center.  I put my hand over the one he had on my shoulder.  In a fatherly way.  In one quick move I grabbed his index finger and gave it a vicious twist.  I felt a satisfying " snap! "      Nobody touches Dick Cheney.      Just then President Bush ran into my office, a Glock in each hand.      "Dick," he said, forcefully, "the United Sates has ...

It came as no surprise to Kim Jong-il when the Angel of Death came for him.      "It's your time," the Angel said, holding out one skeletal hand.      Kim stood up.  As he got out bed he no longer felt sick.  In fact, he felt pretty good.       "I guess you were wrong," he told the Angel.  "I'm feeling better."      The Angel laughed a low, gutteral laugh.  "Look behind you."      He did.  "Hey," he chuckled, "there's some goofy-looking guy in my bed."  He then took a closer look.  "Oh...  it's me. "      His doctor entered the room with a nurse.  Kim looked toward the Angel, and said:  "I can see their hearts breaking.  We were very close."  The Angel of Death just nodded its head.      The nurse turned to the doctor.  "Is he..."      "Yes."  ...

When President Obama calls, I jump.  It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.  So, when he called me in to do some damage control concerning the upcoming 10th Anniversary Celebration of the 9/11 terrorist attack in New York City, I said:  "Yes, Mr. President, I'll take care of it."      He was, of course, referring to the obvious faux paus of Mayor Bloomberg not inviting the First Responders who heroically risked and gave their lives to save fellow Americans in the cowardly attacks that brought down the Twin Towers.      "I'd do it myself," he told me, "but I'm in the middle of a round of golf.  As-salaam alaykum."      "Aleichem sholem."      So this column is for all you 9/11 heroes--police officers, firemen, and, yeah, you guys in the military, too--complaining that you haven't been invited to the table with the grown ups.  Everybody else can stop r...

"Mayor Cook!  Is that really you?"      I just happened to be in Downtown El Paso, happily answering another call to jury duty, when I ran into a familiar looking man strumming his guitar on a bench where the live aligators used to be.      "Who else would it be?" he answered, putting his guitar down.  "Tell me, what did you think about my State of the City speech?"      "I can't say I'm too enthused about the idea of having my taxes raised yet again.  Isn't there another way to raise the money we need?"      "Like what, for example?"      "Well, how about El Paso becoming more business friendly?  Can't we make our taxes more competitive, so that we encourage businesses to move to El Paso, rather than from El Paso?"      Mayor Cook put his guitar down.  "You know, this idea that high taxes scares off businesses is really nothing more tha...