American Chimpanzee

Well, I did it. I was able to get my little girl the hottest Christmas toy of the season. The stores were all sold out, it wasn't available on-line, but I was able to get my hands on one with only less than 12 hours to spare. I won't tell you how. All I'll tell you is who needs two kidneys. Just ask comedian George Lopez's wife, who was kind enough to give her loving husband one of hers just before he divorced her. I don't blame George for divorcing her. Who wants to be married to a woman with only one kidney? But I digress... The toy in question is The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo doll. With removable piercings and changable tattoos. Eyebrows are optional. My little girl is five years-old. She'll love it. And now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays is over, and all that's left is the pretending to love the gifts you were given, I can sit back, drink a little eggnog, and think back to a simpler time when the toys we played with...

As an urban militant straight outta Compton--and who also just happens to be gay--I've gotta shout out loud how incredibly racist I find the white songwriting community to be for ignoring the black holiday of Kwanzaa.  This ancient tradition, which dates back to pre-Tupac times, is due reparations for this blatant slight.  Reparations, that is, in the form of holiday Kwanzaa songs.  You can keep your forty acres and a mule, you racist muthafathas.      Kwanzaa, or "Kill Whitey," is from the African language of...  um, from the original..., ah, who am I kidding?  "Kwanzaa" is a made-up word that's meant to be African-sounding.  I think we succeeded.  That reminds me of the movie Skin Games,  which starred James Garner and Louis Gossett Jr.  It took place pre-Civil War, and Gossett, who played a free black man who kept being sold over and over again as a slave in a money-making s...

It came as no surprise to Kim Jong-il when the Angel of Death came for him.      "It's your time," the Angel said, holding out one skeletal hand.      Kim stood up.  As he got out of his bed he no longer felt sick.  In fact, he felt pretty good.       "I guess you are were wrong," he laughed, smugly.  "I'm feeling better."      The Angel laughed, too.  A low, gutteral laugh.      "Look behind you," the Angel said.  Kim Jong-il did.      "Hey," he chuckled.  "Who's that goofy-looking guy in my bed?"  He then took a closer look.  "Oh...  it's me."      Just then his doctor entered the room with a nurse.       Kim looked toward the Angel and said:  "I can see their hearts breaking.  We were very close."      The Angel of Death jus...

I got home from work the other night, and saw my little girl was watching the holiday classic Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer .      I grimaced.      I'm not saying that holiday special is bad (which it is), I'm just saying the only thing worse would be listening to Miley Cyrus sing Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit .  (And the only thing worse than that is watching her dance to it.)  I sat down anyway, and watched it with her.  Once again, I was reminded of that time, not so long ago, when I met a brave little pig.      I drove down to a farm in the lower valley of El Paso, because I had heard farmers tended to have attractive daughters with liberal ideas about hospitality, but, instead of a daughter, this farmer had a pig.  The pig was missing three of it slegs, one of its two eyes, both ears, its tail, and part of its snout.  ...

I was honored, to say the least, when former president and WWE champion George W. Bush called me personally and asked me to help him write his book, Decision Points .  I'd be in charge of the writing, and he'd be in charge of the cartoons.  Bush and I go a long way back.  He even gave me my nickname:  Jimmy the Saint.      We first met during Spring Break in Pensacola, Florida.  I was a sophomore at the University of South Alabama in Mobile, and he was, ahem , on leave from the National Guard.  I beat him in a tequila-drinking contest, and a life-long friendship was formed.      "Be honest, be funny, just make sure it eats up a lot of pages," he instructed, "and whatever you do, don't write about that guy we killed down in Biloxi."      It was a more innocent time.  I was chowing down on a plate of beer-boiled shrimp in some dive-bar by the beach.  It sold for 25 cents on a M...

Man's Head, Body Found Separately That man is now the Republican front runner.   Indian Girls Shed "Unwanted" Names Take a hint, African-Americans.   Young Protesters Jailed On Assault, Other Charges 29 Demonstators were arrested in Juarez, Mexico as they marched to remember the more than 8,500 people who have been killed by the drug cartels since 2008.  Why didn't the Mexican police arrest the violent drug cartel members who have been doing all of the kidnapping and raping and murdering? "Are you kidding?" Adrian Sanchez, a spokesman for the Juarez Police Dept., said.  "Those guys are dangerous!"   Women Struggle To Run For Office In Tunisia "We could use some help," the Tunisian Association of Democratic Women said before Tunisia's first free elections. "Call us when you're fighting for abortion rights," said Ms. Terry O'Neill, president of the National Organization of Women.   ...

Obama Pardons 2 Gobblers President Obama continued a White House Thanksgiving tradition by pardoning two gobblers.  Though grateful, both Monica Lewinski and former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky had no further comment.   Tent Fire Kills 13 At Eunuch Gathering This is a really sad story, but the fact that they were eunuchs makes it funny.  The only thing that would have made it funnier is if the eunuchs were midgets.  The approximately 5,000 eunuchs gathered in India for a prayer ceremony. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor. (Interesting sidebar:  Eunuchs use only one name.  Like Cher.)   Police:  Man Viewed Child Porn On Flight Once again, Jerry Sandusky had no comment.   Nearly 400,000 Deported In Fiscal Year Do you know what President Obama calls over 400,000 illegal aliens deported back to Mexico? A good start.   Justice Dept. Lawyers Say They'll Quit If Offices Close The ca...