American Chimpanzee

What a great front page the El Paso Times had this past Wednesday, 5-23-2012.      The story of the two children who died was heartbreakingly tragic, and the story, on the 2nd front page of the Borderland Section, about a truck being hit by a gold Nissan and then by a train made for an exciting double-whammy, but the remaining three stories I thought were interesting enough to share with you.       I hope you think so, too.      In a recent meeting, the El Paso Independent School District trustees have instructed administrators to find and hire a consultant to advise the scandal-ridden district on improving its image with the community it serves.      Their immediate recommendation was Dogbert from Dogbert Consultants, Inc. of the comic strip Dilbert, because "he has the right combination of greed and lack of ethics that would fit in so well around here," plus "he sure look...

When President Obama calls, I jump.      It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.      You see, our platoon was pinned down in the jungle by enemy fire, and we decided to make a run for it.  Better a live chicken, than a dead duck, as B.O. used to say.  A bullet caught me in my gut, and when Obama discovered I hadn't made it, he ran back to get me.  Only...      ...he got the wrong guy.      So he ran back.  And got the wrong guy again.      By the end of our courageous retreat he had saved me, saved the whole platoon, and received the Congressional Medal of Honor for his trouble.  His feat was so impressive that President Kennedy himself came back from the dead to personally award B.O. his medal.      That's why I wasn't surprised when he called me on a secure line when the time came for someone to fly to Egypt...

When Robert Moore--my editor at the El Paso Times and master of the ancient martial art of Tai Kwan Donut--asked me to write a humor blog for ElPasoTimes.com, I had to decline.  I was too busy writing "quotes" for Joe Biden.      "Can you still write a column for next Friday's paper?"      "Sure.  About what?"      "It doesn't matter.  Just make sure it eats up some space."      Now I was in a bind.  I had committed myself to writing a column, but I had no idea about what.  I stepped outside to retrieve my morning newspaper, and there, on the front page, was the answer to my dilemma.  It was a smiling President Obama, the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.      He was standing next to President Calderon from Mexico.  Obama had a big smile on his face, because he had just shrewdly negotiated away even more American jobs by agreeing to let Mexic...

Alejandrina Cabrera, a City Council candidate in Arizona,  was barred from running because she allegedly does not speak English proficiently, and state law requires elected officials to know English.  She is vowing to appeal the judge's ruling.      I decided to ask her about it, so I made arrangements through the Arizona Sun newspaper's Saturday Spanish-language edition to interview her.      "Hello, Ms. Cabrera.  How are you?"      " Que? "      I don't speak Spanish myself, so I assume the Spanish word " que " must be some sort of greeting.       "Let me get right to the point, you concede that you may have to continue learning English, but you don't agree that your English is not satisfactory to communicate  with the council and the majority of citizens at large."      " Que?" she answered.  Her head was nodding u...

She had urban curves.   An urban body.   Body by Pillsbury.   Baby teeth are nature's way of saying:  "It's time to stop breastfeeding."   Social satire, satirical fiction, and occassional parody.   A bar never empties out for two guys getting along outside.   I'm not a dork.  It's my birthday.   We're a nation of bullies.  Our chief export is bullying.   An outrageous comment is taken more seriously than the truth.   The Star-Bellied Sneetch.   On the internet I pretend to be Danny DeVito to pick up girls.  That way, when they see I'm not Danny DeVito, I figure I still have a shot.  But not if I said I was Brad Pitt.   I grew up reading Mad Magazine.  I never had a chance.   "I'm not going to compromise my principles."   "I respect that.  You're fired."         ...

President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--understands that the public is getting sick and tired of speeches that sound good, but, ultimately, accomplish nothing.  So he's come up with a fool-proof plan for winning a second term as President in the upcoming November elections.  He's sending specially created Hallmark Cards to every registered voter.  Even the ones who are here illegally.      The cards will have a thoughtful picture of our Commander in Chief on the cover, and a confidence-building saying on the inside.  For example, on one card you'll see Obama looking wistfully out into the distance, toward the future, with that drunk-eyes-focusing-on-nothing look.      "Let's All Work For A Better Tomorrow..." the front cover will say.  On the inside the punchline will be:  "Because The Harder You Work, The Better I Look."      Another card would show President Obama running...

"Welcome to Final Jeopardy!" said a well-groomed Alex Trebek.      It was the last few minutes of a special political edition of the television game-show, Celebrity Jeopardy.  The handsome host's special celebrity guests were Mayor John Cook of the city of El Paso, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, and President Barack Obama of the United States of America.      The answer to the Final Jeopardy question was:  "What most economists agree to do in order to get out of a recession, stimulate the economy, and encourage business and job growth."      Alex Trebek turned his blindingly white smile to his first contestant.      "Mayor Cook, will you show us your answer please? 'What is raising property taxes?'  Sorry, but that is incorrect, and it seems you unwisely wagered your entire winnings of $24.  Too bad, and, no, I do not wish to hear your rendition of the song El Pas...