American Chimpanzee

chapter one Was Jesus married? chapter two   No. the end     I was surprised to see the name of an old flame of mine, Karen L. King, in a newspaper article by Nicole Winfield of the Associated Press. I was especially surprised to discover that Ms. King is now a professor of early Chistianity at Harvard Divinity School, and that she claims a Coptic papyrus fragment, that was supposedly recently discovered and translated, apparently says, "Jesus said to them, 'My wife...'"      I knew Ms. King back in college where she was captain of the university's cheerleading squad. She was voted Miss Congeniality by the football team, and didn't mind being referred to as "Miss" back then.      This is "the first known statement that explicitly claims that Jesus had [a] wife," she was quoted as saying. Although "this fragment and that sentence is not evidence of Jesus' marital status."  ...

I'm holding the new iPhone 5 in my hand as I write this, and I wonder: What is all the fuss about? I hate to sound like a geezer, but I sure am tired of modern technology.      You see, I'm old school. An original gangsta. I was country before country was cool. I'm not saying I'm ancient, I'm just saying that when God said "Let there be light!" He first had to tell me to get the heck out of the way.      When I wake up in the morning, before I start my day, I like to kick back with a hot cup of joe, leisurely read my morning newspaper, and ignore my wife. But now I'm told that newspapers are on the way out, and Apple's new iPhone 5 is the latest must-have toy du jour... until the iPhone 6 comes out, that is. As for me, I don't think so. I'm entirely satisfied with my newspaper, thank you very much.      Oh, sure, the new iPhone's screen might be bigger, the processing speed might be faster, and it ha...

the following is an excerpt  of the Pulitzer Prize winning #1 New York Times Bestseller   Give Me Your Money (and good things will happen to you)* by Rev. Jim Duchene   "Jesus didn't need to walk on water twice to make His point."                                                                                                      Uncle Sweetheart        "What did the monkey say to the leopard at the card game? 'I thought you were a c...

When President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--calls, I jump.      So when he called me to do some damage control concerning this morning's 11th Anniversary Celebration of the 9-11 terrorist attack in New York City, I said:  "Yes, Mr. President.  I'll take care of it."      He was, of course, referring to the obvious faux paus of Mayor Bloomberg not inviting the surviving First Responders who heroically risked life and limb to save fellow Americans in the cowardly attack that brought down the World Trade Center.      "I'd do it myself, like I did with bin Laden," he told me, "but I'll be at the golf course.  As-Salaam alaykum. "      " Aleichem sholem. "      So this column is for all you First Responders--police officers, firemen, and, yeah, you Don't Ask/Don't Tellers in the military, too--complaining that you weren't invited to the table with the gro...

It must have been Tattoo Night at Wal-Mart yesterday.  There were so many Latinos with tattoos there that I felt like I was back in La Tuna Federal Penitentiary.  That's my problem with our legal system.  When I go looking for justice, that's what I find... just us.      The women especially were all tatted up.  In their cases, however, they must have bought their tattoos by the pound, because it seemed that the number of and sizes of the tattoos they wore increased in direct proportion to the amount of excess poundage they carried.  I know they get tattoos in an attempt to look attractive, but why don't they try to look attractive by losing weight instead?      I was so disgusted by the massive parade of illustrated flesh that I could barely finish the box of cookies I had opened and was eating as I walked around the store.*      I was about to complain about it to the...

I must admit, it was very thoughtful of President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--to fly all the way to El Paso, Texas just to wish me a happy birthday.  The original plan was for us to sneak off and spend the Labor Day weekend at the Inn of the Mountain Gods in Ruidoso, New Mexico but, with his coming re-election in November, he had to make it look like he was in town for legitimate reasons.      "Just make sure you don't bring the wife and kids," I told him.      So, while the President was giving his speech to the troops at Fort Bliss, I was lead aboard Air Force One.  The plan was to play a game or two of hoops on the full-sized basketball court on his plane, and, after that, we were going to take a dip in the Olympic-sized swimming pool.      "Maybe next time we can even play tennis or some golf," Obama suggested.      That Air Force One.  It's bigger on the inside...