American Chimpanzee

I guess it's up to me to defend Texas.      Roy Bragg of the San Antonio Express-News, the newspaper known for having a dash between Express and News, was kind enough to inform me that faux  New Yorker Lewis Black has declared war. On me. On my state. On my fellow Texans.      He and his snooty cohorts at The Daily Show, have made a 2:22 hour video slamming our great state. It's not really 2:22 hours long, it just feels that way. It's actually 2:22 minutes. Which is 2:22 of the longest minutes you'll ever have to sit through. If you want to watch it, you can go to We'reSmarterThanYou.com and watch what they, with much creativity and originality, call "F*** Texas." If you do see it, just be sure to wash your eyes out with bleach afterward. (That was a joke. Whatever you do, DON'T wash your eyes out with bleach. You'll go blind. Do you really want that awful video to be the last thing you saw? I didn't think so.)   ...

I'll never forgive Anthony Weiner for what he did.      Carlos Danger was the name I was using on OKCupid, but Anthony Weiner forced me to change it when he started using it for his own allegedly perverted purposes.      Now that The Weiner is in the news again, showing America how NOT to learn from your mistakes, I've received thousands (Well, it's definitely in the hundreds... unless it's in the tens... um, how 'bout we just keep it in single digits just to be safe? Okay, it was just me.) of requests to reprint   The Good, The Bad, and The Weiner originally posted on 6-6-11      The press conference was brutal.       It was harder than Bill Clinton at the Miss Arkansas Pageant.  Why Congressman Anthony Weiner, the man in line to become New York's next mayor, would willingly show up to a press conference addressing his Wei...

  by Robert Moore Editor of the El Paso Times and Former Double-0 Agent          Well, the Times ( funny pun) has come.      After much thought ( and many drinks) , the editorial staff has decided ( been ordered)  to change the look of this newspaper's ( boring) appearance, and give it it's first ( What?) major overhaul in over three presidential ( Go Romney!( elections ( Vote Ortega) .  You'll see these changes take place over the course of the next few weeks ( or whenever we get around to it) , and we hope  ( pray) you'll enjoy ( buy) our newspaper's new ( gimmick) design.      This redesign will also incorporate  ( as opposed to outcoporate)  a new reporting feature I ( Yay, me!) like to call "Subliminal Reporting," an idea I  ( want a raise)  thought up while reading the fine print of the contract of my ( newspaper editors are s...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie!   Dear John,                 My grandfather passed away last month, and the wake was catered by a close friend of the family who owns a restaurant. He closed off a section of his dining hall for our family.                 The meal included 15 children under the age of 10, and they were absolute monsters. My nephew threw his shoe across the room and then tripped a waitress. These kids crawled under the table, poking us with forks and smearing food into the carpet. My cousin’s 8 year-old daughter out open condiment packets into my purse and a baked potato in my mother’s coat pocket and then mashed it into the fabric.                 People from other areas of the restaurant complained af...

 As a proud gay urban warrior straight outta Compton, it pleased me that the Supreme Court of the United States of America finally recognized the gay community's right to exist. It kept me from having to go down to Washington DC and "change" a few minds the Chicago way. You feel me?      Well, maybe if you stood closer.      Personally, I'm against gay marriage. Why do I want to be a part of a failing institution? Why do I want to be accepted by the part of society that doesn't want to accept me? Why does that rash keep coming back?      No, my brothers and sisters, as a proud gay urban warrior I decided to come up with my own solution. Something better than marriage.      Something better?      That's right, something better.      I decided to  adopt my lover, my soul mate. The two of us have been in a committed, almost-monogamous relat...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core… John Leslie!   Dear John,                 I am married to a wonderful woman who is generous and helpful. We are both retired, in good health, and live comfortably. We are also baby-sitting two of our grandchildren five days a week, nine months out of the year. We love our grandchildren, but I feel this is too much.                 The problem is, when I talk to my wife about doing less so we could take the winter off and spend it in a warmer climate, she refuses. I want to enjoy my retirement. Winters here are depressing, and limit our physical activities.                 I don’t feel it would be right for me to travel by myself or spend my time in a warmer and more enjoyable place while she stays h...

     I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying she's lost weight, so, like Pluto, she's no longer classified as a planet.      I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying when she rode on It's A Small World, Disneyland had to change the name of the ride.      I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying the tide rises and lowers depending on how close she stands to the ocean.      I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying space aliens have built a secret base on the dark side of her moon.      I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying friends to try to set her up no longer tell the potential date that she has a nice personality. They just admit that, "yeah, she's fat."      I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just saying even Captain Kirk refuses to go "where no man has gone before."      I'm not saying my ex is fat, I'm just sayi...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      My wife of 38 years recently reconnected on Facebook with the guy she was seeing before we started dating. She spent a lengthy amount of time catching up with him on the phone, and then asked whether I would be upset if she met with him. I told her yes I'd be upset, and I forbade her to go.       She went anyway.      Over the next two weeks, I've discovered (via our cellphone bill) that he and my wife have been having multiple long conversations. When I told her this upset me, she just laughed. She saw nothing wrong with her behavior, saying I would laugh, too, if I had a sense of humor.      I was angry and hurt. I told her that if she valued me at all, she was to cut all ties with this guy and not see or speak with him again. I made it clear that she was crossing a line and...

The Ten Essential Items You Need On A Hike          1) Porn --Because you never know how long you'll be away from your wife.        2) Cigarettes --It'll give you something to do while you're busy doing nothing.        3) Drugs --If you're going to die, you might as well enjoy yourself.        4) Booze --It's important to stay hydrated. And drunk.        5) A Whistle --To annoy as many animals in the wilderness as you possibly can.        6) A Compass --When you die, at least you'll know where North is.        7) Duct Tape --Duct tape is a multi-purpose tool. With it, you can set a broken limb or bind the wrists, feet, and mouth of your hostage.        8) Water --In case there's an al-Quida terrorist you need to torture so he'll tell you where Os...