American Chimpanzee

When President Obama calls, I jump. It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. Sometimes I jump even when it's his Attorney General who calls. When the AG calls, I know BO is the man behind the curtain.      "This is Eric Holder. I'm calling for President Obama, at his request."      I don't know why the AG was trying to sound so formal. The last time I saw him was when Johnny Ola took me and some loser named Fredo to see the future AG's special nightclub act in Cuba. After seeing Eric's act, I immediately got on the red phone and called the President.      "Hey, 'Bama," I told him, "have I got an attorney general for you. "      To Eric Holder, whom I was currently pretending to be listening to on the phone, I said: "Yes, I understand. I'm listening."      "You owe the President a service. He has no doubt that you will...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      My wife of 50 years told me that a longtime friend has called her twice trying to have phone sex. I EXPLODED!      She told me not to say anything because it would ruin our friendship with this couple. I called him on the phone and confronted him anyway and told him he disrespected my wife, me, his wife, women in general, and all of humanity in particular. He did not deny what he had done. Instead he asked me what I was wearing.      Frankly, I don't blame him too much. I had sex with his wife of fifty years about five years ago, and she was pretty lame. Still, as far as I'm concerned, he totally crossed Obama's red line, and I consider our friendship over.      My wife, however, continues to take his phone calls.      What do you think?      --Mad Dear Mad, You've all been...

The city of El Paso has found itself in a legal tug-of-war with Stephanie Townsend Allala, a local (don't hold it against her) attorney who is trying to force current and former city officials to make public emails from their personal internet accounts, which reminds me of an old joke: Why doesn't the Mafia like Jehovah Witnesses? Because they don't like ANY witnesses!      It amazes me that politicians in this day and age continue to leave evidence of their incredible lack of judgement and occasional criminal activity. Nixon with his White House tapes, Clinton with Monica Lewinski's blue dress, and Anthony Weiner with pictures of his, um, wiener.      State Attorney General Greg Abbott has already ruled that these emails, as they are related to city business (up to and including the controversial Downtown baseball stadium), were written using electronic mail, a type of future technology, and, therefore, aren't subject to the laws...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      Last year, my husband and I attended my cousin's annual summer barbecue. After we arrived, I looked for a place to tie up our dog in the backyard and noticed a few dead rats. They appeared to have been there for some time. I made mention of this to my cousin's husband, but he made no attempt to remove them even though they were only a few steps away from the barbecue pit. That was pretty gross.      I tied my dog several feet away from the dead rats. Later, when we returned home, our dog started scratching. This continued for several days until we noticed his fur falling out. I believe he contracted mange from the dead rats.      We've been invited to their "last nice weather barbecue," but I am reluctant to go. My husband says we should go regardless, but I feel that if they don't care to get rid of the dead rats in their backyard, they sho...

Today's Birthday (9-18-13): Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus.   Special Birthday Message: Nothing can stop you now! Except, maybe, that STD. Aries (March 21-April 19): If you want that raise, TODAY would be a good day to sleep with your boss. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Don't worry about that rash on your como-se-llama . It's probably nothing. Gemini (May 21-June 20): The stars are in agreement! Better hurry and get that abortion! Cancer (June 21-July 22): If he believes you when you tell him you love him, he'll believe you when you tell him he's the father. Leo (July 23-August 22): Don't worry about failing your class. Your professor is a horndog. Virgo (August 23-September 22): don't, Don't, DON'T release your sex tape on the internet. You'll make WAY more money through blackmail. Libra (September 23-October 22): That person you've had your ey...

I was looking through one of my wife's women magazines, because, if there's one thing I learned from Clint Eastwood in the movie Heartbreak Ridge,  it's that I should know my--for lack of a better word--enemy.      Sun Tzu, a Chinese general for the King of Wu, put it this way over two and a half thousand years ago:      If you know your enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.      I know myself like I know the back of my hand ( Hey, I never noticed that spot before. ), but women (in general) and my wife (in particular) continue to be a mystery to me, and THAT'S why (when nobody's looking) I'll occasionally open up one of my wife's magazines and see what the competition is up to.      Except for Cosmopolitan.      I find that magazine essentially worthless when it comes to supplying its readership with accurate and helpful inform...

As someone who has seen the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey about a dozen times (and still falls asleep midway through it), I couldn't help but be impressed by this new miracle of modern technology called the iPhone 5.  Even George Jetson would be amazed, and you're talking about a guy who has a robot for a maid.      I was there for the first presentation with Steve Jobs, and, once again, present on Tuesday (9-10-13) for the unveiling of the new iPhone 5 by Apple's CEO, Tim "I Know I'm Not Steve Jobs" Cook.       "The business has become so large," Tim "But I'm Trying My Best" Cook said. "We're going to replace it with not one, but TWO new designs. In other words, we're repackaging the same old crap and selling it to a loyal, but gullible, public."      He was talking about Apple's unveiling of its two new iPhones, the expensive 5c and the over-priced 5s.      Compli...

When President Obama--the man who once saved my life in 'Nam--calls, I jump.      So when he called me to do some damage control concerning this morning's 12th Anniversary Celebration of the 9-11 terrorist attack in New York City, I said:  "Yes, Mr. President.  I'll take care of it."      He was, of course, referring to the obvious faux paus of Mayor Bloomberg not inviting the surviving First Responders who heroically risked life and limb to save fellow Americans in the cowardly attack that brought down the World Trade Center.      "I'd do it myself, like I did with bin Laden," he told me, "but I'll be at the golf course.  As-Salaam alaykum. "      " Aleichem sholem. "      So this column is for all you First Responders--police officers, firemen, and, yeah, you Don't Ask/Don't Tellers in the military, too--complaining that you weren't invited to the table with the gro...

I was watching James Cameron's Titanic on TV the other night. My wife likes watching tragic love stories, while I like watching a naked Kate Winslet.      "Well, there's your answer," I told my wife as the credits ran.      "My answer?" she repeated. "My answer to what?"      "To why men get paid more than women."      Her eyes flared, and she hit me. You know, she hits pretty hard for a girl.      I don't know why she hit me, and I don't think she knows why either. It was a reaction. A reaction reinforced by the knowledge that I wouldn't hit her back.      If I called 911, and reported her for spousal abuse, after the police were done laughing at me, I'd be the one who'd get taken to jail. All she'd have to do is cry and tell them I was a meanie, and they'd have me in handcuffs faster than Rosie O'Donnell chasing a donut downhill.   ...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      My 20 year-old son joined the Army when he was 18. At his first duty station, he caught his barracks roommate, whom he thought was his best friend, stealing from him. My son felt betrayed and began isolating himself from his peers.      He recently had a permanent change of duty station, and I am concerned that even with this fresh start he is not making friends. He was always a fun-loving, sociable and adventurous teen with lots of friends. Now he locks himself in his barracks room at the end of each workday.      I know he is lonely, but he is hiding it from his pears, most of whom are much older than he is and married with children, just like Al Bundy.      He gets angry when I encourage him to reach out to people and would be very upset if I intervened. He lives on the opposite side of the country. I want to help him,...

There's an old Episode of The Twilight Zone , where the first of the two Dicks from Bewitched flips a quarter and the coin lands on its edge.      As a kid, I tried endlessly to accomplish the same feat, because I believed it would give me what it gave him: the ability to read other people's minds. Did it? No, it was another one of my childhood disappointments. Along the lines of finding out the truth about Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and my parent's afternoon "naps."      I had all but forgotten that classic TV episode... until last Friday. That's when, as I was getting ready for a date with a girl I had met on the internet, I flipped a quarter to help me decide which restaurant to take my date to. Heads would be a nice restaurant along the lines of the Olive Garden, and tails would be a world-famous restaurant along the lines of McDonald's.      The coin landed on its edge.      I took this to be a good s...