Your Email Is OUR Email

The city of El Paso has found itself in a legal tug-of-war with Stephanie Townsend Allala, a local (don't hold it against her) attorney who is trying to force current and former city officials to make public emails from their personal internet accounts, which reminds me of an old joke:

Why doesn't the Mafia like Jehovah Witnesses?

Because they don't like ANY witnesses!

     It amazes me that politicians in this day and age continue to leave evidence of their incredible lack of judgement and occasional criminal activity. Nixon with his White House tapes, Clinton with Monica Lewinski's blue dress, and Anthony Weiner with pictures of his, um, wiener.
     State Attorney General Greg Abbott has already ruled that these emails, as they are related to city business (up to and including the controversial Downtown baseball stadium), were written using electronic mail, a type of future technology, and, therefore, aren't subject to the laws in our present timeline, that is, unless they are. Either way, he'll have to check with the Time Police, and get back to us.
     City Attorney Sylvia Borunda Firth is arguing that El Paso can't force these current and former city officials to hand over their personal emails because it has no legal right to any emails stored on personal account servers.
     I have one word to say about that: Delete Button. Okay, that's two words, but city Rep. Cortney Niland, former city Rep. Susie Byrd, and City Manager Joyce Wilson would have been well-advised to have used theirs (see Nixon's White House tapes).
     Allala had also planned on deposing former city Rep. Steve Ortega, but no notice was issued for his statements, since, like Anthony Weiner, he is currently busy planning his next run for public office.
     Personally, I got tired of all this jibber-jabber, and decided to take a look at these emails myself, so I requested them from the NSA's spy software through the Freedom of Information Act. At first, the NSA tried to set up a firewall to block my access to the information they stole fair and square, and even tried to claim national security, but, once they realized I was talking about El Paso, they couldn't shovel the stuff over fast enough.
     What follows are excerpts of only the most pertinent emails.

____________________

 

Niland:

Joyce?

 

Wilson:

What?

 

Niland:

Joyce?

 

Wilson:

What?

 

Niland:

Are you mad at me?

 

Wilson:

No.

 

Niland:

Are you mad at me?

 

Wilson:

No!

 

Niland:

You sound mad at me.

 

Wilson:

I am not mad at you.

 

Niland:

Good.

 

Wilson:

I'm just not talking to you.

 

Niland:

Why?

 

Wilson:

Because I'm mad at you.

_______________

 

Niland:

Justin Bieber's become such a little jerk.

 

Byrd:

Yeah.

 

Niland:

He's still cute, though. I mean, for a jerk.

 

Byrd:

I prefer One Direction. Those guys are dreamy.

 

Niland:

Yeah... dreamy.

 

Byrd:

Dreamy.

 

Niland:

Mmm...

____________________

 

Wilson:

Can you believe all Niland and Byrd talk about is Justin Bieber and One Direction?

 

Ortega:

I can't talk right now. I'm busy.

 

Wilson:

Doing what?

 

Ortega:

Watching Miley Cyrus' new video.

 

Wilson:

When will you be done?

 

Ortega:

The next time I see her on the wrecking ball.

____________________

     Based on this incriminating correspondence, Wilson, Byrd, Ortega, and Niland were arrested on federal racketeering charges.
 
 

American Chimpanzee

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