American Chimpanzee

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      Can you give me any advice about a Panamanian cruise I want to take over Christmas and extending into New Year's? It's a ten to 14 day cruise from Florida, and we'll be stopping at various Panamanian ports along the way.      --Cruising Dear Cruising, Yes, there's this little brothel I like to go to when I'm slumming it in Panama. It's called "La Cucaracha." Give it a try. Tell them Johnny sent you. Dear John,      I'd like to find out if there are any events or fun things to do in Curacao during New Year's. Also, which airline has the best price to travel on to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico?      --Hurry Dear Hurry, A fun event they have in Curacao during New Year's is their annual Running of the Hookers at midnight on New Year's Eve. I'm so glad to see you're including Mexico in your holiday vaca...

It's okay to be naughty again. Santa's done watching for the year.          Christmas has become way too commercialized, but, since I always get some really nice gifts, I'm okay with that.          Christmas is never over as long as you have cash left in your gift cards.          Justin Bieber tweeted that he "...f***s BITCHES!'' What he DIDN'T tweet was that his cat's name is ''Bitches.''          Justin Bieber's SHOCKING Christmas tweet: HE'S RETIRING! Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus.          Justin Bieber loves wearing loud, colorful socks. Just like the first President Bush and comedian Haywood Banks! Oh, Biebs, you are SO hip.          Only 363 shopping days until Christmas!   Carlos Santana was reunited with a former band member...

Somewhere... in the cosmos...   "You sent for me, sir? "Yes, Clarence. A man down on Earth needs our help." "Splendid! Maybe then, sir, maybe then I'll get my wings?"        The notorious drug lord, Scarface, lay dying. Shot in the back by the hitman sent by his enemies. In the distance he could see the mountain of cocaine piled on his desk. It looked comical to him now.      His vision slowly began to fade as his life poured out of him in a red, warm liquid. Fading... fading... and then miraculously clear!      "Hi, I'm Clarence," a jovial voice said, as a white-haired old coot slid into view above him. Scarface's eyes blinked. He felt his chest. There were no wounds, no blood, but... but that was impossible. His mind felt sharp, crystal clear. Sobriety, he laughed at the irony, felt better than any drug.      The old man helped him up.      "...

'Twas the night before Christmas, Right here in El Chuco , I was drinking outside With my old buddy Tuco.   My work socks were hung Like Christmas stockings, you see, My wife, she has four kids. Myself, I have three.   When what to our watering eyes Should appear, My compa Ramon, With a carload of beer.   His eyes, how they twinkled Behind his new glasses. He was here to bring beer To the beer-drinking masses.   He brought Tecate, Coors Light, And even Budweiser. And then, for much later, Some Viagra from Pfizer.   "Ay, loco ," I told him. "Come join us, my friend." But he had just gotten started, And must get started again.   As he started to leave, He gave a high-five. "Merry Christmas to all, "And don't drink and drive!" _______________________     Fifty Shades of Funny jimduchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene    

GLAAD's Wilson Cruz SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson! ''We don't tolerate intolerence!'' the gay spokesman yelled.          Isn't it ironic how the members of an organization named GLAAD are so angry all the time?          Rosie O'Donnell SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson for answering a question! And Expressing An Opinion! BASED ON HIS BELIEFS!          Female impersonator RuPaul SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson's perverse beliefs! ...and then taped his penis between his butt cheeks so it'll look like he has a vagina.          ABC's former Good Morning America weatherman Sam Champion SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson. ''Don't hit me!'' he cowered, slammingly.          Perez Hilton SLAMS Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson's biblical belief that we should love others as we love o...