American Chimpanzee

  "We're so happy Dr. Dao and his lawyer got their thirty pieces of silver. It makes starving to death easier."     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

  Old Joke: A man goes up to a beautiful woman and asks if she would have sex with him for a million dollars. After thinking about it, she agrees. Then he asks her if she would have sex with him for five  dollars. "FIVE dollars?" she complains. "What kind of girl do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are," he explains. "Now we're just negotiating the price."   Congratulations on your negotiated settlement, Dr. Dao.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene  

  "I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE DR. DAO! WAH!"     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

  "What's the matter with you, Dr. Dao?"     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

  "I support Dr. Dao 100%!"     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

    Hey, Dr. Dao! Where's THIS girl's fancy attorney and million dollar settlement?       American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

     Dr. Dao, there are real atrocities in the world. Being politely asked to get off an airplane isn't one of them.      American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

  "Yes, I could write this prescription for you, but first you must do something for me I like to call the Vietnamese Head Dunk."     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

      "I just want to go home!"     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

   "But I don't WANNA give up my seat!"     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

  "And then they called me a poo-poo head!"     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

A grown man who identified himself as a doctor was forcibly removed from a United Airlines plane when he refused to give up his seat for a United Airline employee on a sold-out flight.      ANOTHER unexpected consequence of ObamaCare.      Sadly, Kendall Jenner was nowhere around to defuse the explosive situation with a can of Pepsi, as she was too busy using the carbonated beverage to bring peace to the Middle East.      "I saw the video," commented the volatile Kim Jong-Un, "and it disgusted even me! "      "I'd like to remind the flying public that at United Airlines our prices are unbeatable," said Airline CEO Oscar Munoz, "but our customers... not so much. That is why our new motto is: 'At United Airlines, We Put The HOSPITAL In Hospitality.' And, rest assured, I will personally visit that airport in Chicago, as soon as Donald Trump lets me through that darn wall."      When asked to comment on the $90...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie!   Dear John,      Does a massage hurt in order to be effective?      --Afraid   Dear Afraid, No, a massage hurts because the masseuse is so poorly paid. Next!   Dear John,      I find it hard to see well driving at night, though I see fine by day. Does anything help?      --Four-eyes   Dear Four-Eyes, Yes, staying out of my way. Next!   Dear John,      I heard on TV last night that doctors can give you a shot of "Youth Hormone." Is this too good to be true?      --Gullible    Dear Gullible, Only if he uses his penis. Next!      Confidential to Never Dated: I like to use a dating strategy inspired by the layout of my favorite bar in Vegas. Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.     Amer...

My much older and less attractive brother brought our elderly father over to my house for a visit, and then went out for a pack of cigarettes.     “I didn’t know he smoked,” I told my dad.     “He doesn’t,” my father answered.     I haven’t seen my brother since.     It didn’t happen exactly that way, but that’s the way I like to tell the story of how my father came to live with me. He’s in the later years of his life and has been widowed for some time now. He’s also been diagnosed pre-Alzheimer’s, but, really, aren’t we all pre-Alzheimer’s?     My wife, to welcome him into our home, cooked him a 5-star dinner Tom Colicchio would be jealous of, and, to top it off, she served him a nice helping of vanilla ice cream. REAL ice cream, not the cheap stuff. I save that for my mother-in-law.     Let me digress for a moment. I know some of you may have ...