American Chimpanzee

I, Phone originally published 8-19-11   As someone who's seen the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey about a dozen times (and still falls asleep about midway through it) I can't help but be impressed by this new miracle of technology called the iPhone.      Even George Jetson would be impressed.      I was there for the presentation, and you might think you know what it can do, but, trust me, you don't know a fraction of what it really can do.      Sure, you can run an infinity of apps on it, but would you believe that the iPhone responds to--and responds back with--verbal commands?  This, however, is probably something that Steve Jobs would rather keep a secret between him and his cabal.      "Wow," I said, gently holding a sample iPhone in my hands.  "You're pretty sweet."      "Thank you," it answered, with a soft, feminine voice.  "You're not so bad yourself." ...

1) "What do you mean I'm supposed to use gloves?"   2) "Smell this."   3) "Guess which finger I'm using."   4) "No, no! Don't look back!"   5) "Mmm... that feels so good."   6) "You're my favorite."   7) "Mind if I nibble on your ear?"   8) "Guess what I'M doing."   9) "I can't wait to post these pictures."   10) Who's your daddy?"     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene  

  Continuing to protest the Viet Nam war, Yoko Ono, seen here in character as Dr. Dao, sells her latest performance art to United Airlines for an undisclosed amount rumored to be in the millions.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene  

Whatever happened to the United States?      At one time we were the baddest munkafunkas on the planet, and we fought the biggest, evilest villains in the world.      Adolph Hitler in Germany, who exterminated six million Jews just for looking at him cross-eyed. Hitler almost brought the world to it's knees. His only mistake was partnering up with Italy. If you want to lose a world war, make sure Italy is on your side.      Khrushchev in Russia, who, with Cuba's Fidel Castro secured firmly in his hip pocket, almost started a nuclear world war. Thank God for President Kennedy, who had some free time between the women he was cheating on his wife with, and was able to bring the whole sordid affair to a peaceful conclusion. And thank God it was referred to as an affair, otherwise Kennedy might not have had any interest in it at all.      Where are men like J...

This is the actress Charlize Theron. She is African-American. If you don't believe me, it's because you're a racist.              And this is her without make-up:           Any questions?     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene      

The very next day, neither my wife or I felt the need to replace the very delicious ice cream my elderly father had the wherewithal  to complain about the day before, and which I wrote about in last month’s column.     I, however, had my concerns.     “You know my father likes something sweet after dinner,” I reminded her.     “I’ve got it covered,” she assured me.     When I continued to persist, she said, “Isn’t there someplace else you need to be? I mean, besides here bothering me?”     Actually, no. There wasn’t. So I sat down and waited for something dark and hot that comes in a liquidy form.     Some people think I drink a lot of coffee.     That's because I do.     I don't have a lot of bad habits, but if drinking coffee is a bad habit, then that's one of them. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I do...