American Chimpanzee

Holy crap!      I make it to bed just in time.      I can hear Christian letting himself in through our front door. I look at my Inner Goodness. She wipes her forehead with the back of her hand in the international sign of “Whew!”      "Whew!" indeed.      Hard to believe it was just a few hours ago that my beloved husband and I were getting ready for a masquerade ball given by our old friend Prince Prospero of Westeros. Christian was going as the Red Death from Edgar Allan Poe’s magnificent short story  Masque of the Red Death .      "A fiendishly  handsome Red Death," he told me.      Myself, I decided to go as a sexy Winnie the Pooh with my Christopher Robins hanging out. To make a long story short, I won't tell you how Pooh’s honey pot got stuck on my head. Let's just say that there wasn't any real honey on...

I'd like to thank Harvey Weinstein, because, next to him, I'm looking like a prince.      Just yesterday I called in to where I work and asked for the day off. When my boss told me to give him"one good reason I should give you the day off," I said, "Um... I'm not Harvey Weinstein?"      He thought about that.      "No, I guess you're not," he replied. "Okay, take the day off."      "With pay?"      "With pay."      Wow, what a break!      I wondered what else not being Harvey Weinstein would score for me, so I walked into a nearby bank, and asked for some cold, hard cash.      "Sir," the vice-president informed me, "we're not in the business of just handing out money to anyone who comes in off the street and asks for it."      "But you don't understand," I ...

When I told my doctor I owed him my life, he said, "I prefer cash."   The way people see you... ...is probably the way you are.   RIP Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner Heaven: Here are your 72 virgins. Hugh Hefner: So few?   I'm not saying Hugh Hefner was old, but he published his first issue of Playboy ON A ROCK!   When you die, what if going toward the light is a trick?   North Korea, your people are starving! Don't you know how much food the cost of ONE nuke would buy? "Enough for lunch?" the well-fed Kim Jong-un asks.   Bon Jovi! Nominated For Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame! How rock & roll can he be if he's photographed drinking champagne with Hillary Clinton?   How many millions of dollars in tax revenue did the U.S. government lose by putting Tommy Chong in jail for selling a bong?   People criticized Tim Tebow for taking a knee to honor his God, but support the athletes who take a knee to dishonor...

Confessions of a Potted Plant   Ho-hum... another day.       It’s pretty boring being a potted plant. Nothing exciting ever happens.       Hey, here comes my owner, Harvey Weinstein. He just bought me and gave me a home.       He seems like a nice man.       That’s a very pretty girl he’s with. I wonder why she’s crying?       Oh, goodie! He’s walking over to me! He must be wanting to show me off to her. We potted plants are known for our calming abilities.       Now he’s standing over me. Hmm, a bit too close. That's making me feel uncomfortable.       Um, excuse me, Mr. Weinstein, can you take a step back and respect my personal space, please?       Hey!       What are you doing?       Put that thing away! ...

  by Robert Moore Ex-Editor of the El Paso Times and Former Double-0 Agent     Well, the Times ( funny pun) has come.      After much thought ( and many drinks) , the editorial staff has decided ( been ordered)  to change the look of this newspaper's ( boring) appearance, and give it it's first ( What?) major overhaul in over four presidential ( Go Hillary!) elections ( Vote DNC) .  You'll see these changes take place over the course of the next few weeks ( or whenever we get around to it) , and we hope  ( pray) you'll enjoy ( buy) our newspaper's new ( gimmick) design.      This redesign will also incorporate  ( as opposed to outcoporate)  a new reporting feature I ( Yay, me!) like to call "Subliminal Reporting," an idea I  ( want a raise)  thought up while reading the fine print of the contract of my ( newspaper editors are sexy) recent purchase...

    When I found out that our fearless leader and former Chippendale dancer, Robert "Call Me MISTER!" Moore, announced he was leaving the newspaper business in general and the El Paso Times in particular, I must admit I was a bit miffed. You see, I found out about it like the rest of the rubes at the carny.      How could he be leaving so soon?      Why, it seems like only yesterday he was brought up on those indecency charges.      And how could he be leaving without letting me know? I thought we were friends. Maybe even more than friends, especially after that drunken weekend we spent at John Travolta's beach house celebrating Tom Cruise's birthday, where... well, let's just say that you're not allowed to ask and I don't have to tell. Though I will say this: if Richard Gere ever wants to show you his disappearing gerbil trick, just say no.      So I went to Bob's favori...