When I told my doctor I owed him my life, he said, "I prefer cash."
The way people see you...
...is probably the way you are.
RIP Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner
Heaven: Here are your 72 virgins.
Hugh Hefner: So few?
I'm not saying Hugh Hefner was old, but he published his first issue of Playboy ON A ROCK!
When you die, what if going toward the light is a trick?
North Korea, your people are starving!
Don't you know how much food the cost of ONE nuke would buy?
"Enough for lunch?" the well-fed Kim Jong-un asks.
Bon Jovi!
Nominated For Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame!
How rock & roll can he be if he's photographed drinking champagne with Hillary Clinton?
How many millions of dollars in tax revenue did the U.S. government lose by putting Tommy Chong in jail for selling a bong?
People criticized Tim Tebow for taking a knee to honor his God, but support the athletes who take a knee to dishonor their National Anthem.
Why hold a grudge when you can get even instead?
People screamed "as the flames barreled down on us," says a California fire witness.
Why didn't you leave?
"What? And give up show business?"
This Just In!
Aid STILL not getting to Puerto Rico!
Why?
"We're too busy complaining about President Trump," admits San Juan Mayor Cruz.
They say animals can predict the weather. Must be true. Before the last hurricane, my dog grabbed the keys to my car and drove to Arizona.
As the Harvey Weinstein scandal continues to grow, the question becomes: "Who in Hollywood knew and kept silent?"
Answer: EVEYBODY!
If red meat gives you cancer, then why don't cows get cancer?
My ex spends all her time in the garden of our old house.
It was the cheapest place I could find to bury her.
All I am to my cat is a warm place to sleep.
This Just In!
SNL's Lorne Michaels Chooses NOT To Mention Harvey Weinstein!
"It's a New York scandal," he says, "and the rest of the country is stupid."
Why did NBC's SNL ignore the Harvey Weinstein scandal?
"Because Harvey's a Hollywood liberal who gives A LOT of money to Democrats."
Why did SNL ignore the Harvey Weinstein scandal?
Who else has committed such horrible acts?
"Who hasn't?" Lorne Michaels says with a smile.
I'm rethinking ObamaCare.
When I need an X-ray, they just send me to the airport.
This Just In!
Texas Rethinks Climate Change After Hurricane Harvey!
Because nothing like this has ever happened before.
EVER!
I Blame Trump!
What for?
Does it really matter?
I've been thinking a lot about careers lately.
Mainly, how do I get out of having one?
I Blame Trump!
What for?
Isn't it enough that I blame him?
It's a long life...
...and then it isn't.
American Chimpanzee
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