American Chimpanzee

Hollywood Confidential The writers confess in their new Star Wars movie Solo , that the flirty Lando Calrissian is GAY! "It's always the black guy," laments the NAACP.   Hollywood Confidential The writers confess in their new Star Wars movie Solo , that the flirty Lando Calrissian is GAY! "Not that there's anything wrong with that," jokes Jerry Seinfeld, to canned laughter.   Hollywood Confidential The writers confess that the flirty Lando Calrissian in their new  Solo movie is GAY, causing George Lucas to roll over in his grave. "But I'm not dead," the Star Wars creator insists. "Oh, you will be," says a cryptic Yoda. "You will be,"   I just heard Meghan Markle was one of the original Deal Or No Deal briefcase models on NBC. Ever hear of her? I think she was in the news recently.   "Do you hear 'Yanny' or 'Laurel'? Because what I hear is 'Kill the phonies!'...

Oh, Man! I overslept and MISSED the Royal Wedding! I never would have woken up if Queen Elizabeth hadn't snuck into my bed.   One of the many celebrities at the Royal Wedding was George Clooney and his lovely wife, Ralph. "I didn't know you knew George," I asked Prince Harry. "I've never met him before in my life!"   "Security!"   Touchingly, Meghan Markle invited some of her cast mates from her hit TV show Suits to the Royal Wedding. And they did a fine job making sure the royal toilets didn't back up.   My favorite James Bond, the very elderly Sean Connery, made a brief appearance at the Royal Wedding. "Who are these people?" he said, congratulating the royal family. "What am I doing here?"   "Blofeld! I'll get you yet!"   The geriatric Elton John canceled two performances in Las Vegas to be at the Royal Wedding, even though he wasn't invited. There's a lot of...

Royal Shocker! The guest list to the Royal Wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle has officially been released and guess who's not invited? Harry's MOTHER!   This Just In! In a failed attempt to arm Syrian Rebels, President Obama mistakenly armed Al Qaeda instead with U.S. Military weapons and ammo! "Hey! Did you see what President Trump just tweeted?" deflected Fake News.    Royal Shocker! Prince Harry and Meghan Markle ADMIT... ...they're ALREADY having SEX!   This Just In! STDs! In Los Angeles! Are Skyrocketing! And It's Due To RACISM! According to the LA Times. "It's either that or President Trump," Fake News reports.   Why do I get the feeling the Olympic sport of Curling was invented by an Eskimo woman who wanted to get her husband to sweep out the igloo?   This Just In! El Paso City Council Okays $274,000 Payout To City Attorney Sylvia Borunda Firth! "What the heck. It's not OUR money," a ...

Hey, Alec Baldwin! QUIT walking around in your boxer shorts! Your ABC MatchGame guests and employees don't want to be exposed to any of that nonsense. And, you know what... #MeToo!   James Bond is a pretentious PUTZ! I taste-tested two martinis—shaken vs stirred—and they BOTH tasted the SAME!   This Just In! ANOTHER Teen Girl Raped, Set On Fire In India , Prompting Outrage! But not from Fake News . “What does this have to do with President Trump ?” they want to know   This Just In! ANOTHER Teen Girl Raped, Set On Fire In India , Prompting Outrage! But not from the fine ladies from N.O.W . “It’s not like she was denied an abortion or anything,” explains a spokeswoman.   This Just In! ANOTHER Teen Girl Raped, Set On Fire In India , Prompting Outrage! But not from Hollywood . “We’re too busy pushing our Gay / Liberal agenda,” they # MeToo -ed.   This Just In! ANOTHER Teen Girl Raped, Set On Fire In India , Prompting Outrage...