American Chimpanzee

The Difference Between Men And Women  Woman: "I have a headache." Man: "You wanna get frisky?" Woman: "No! I've Already Told You:  I HAVE A HEADACHE! "   Man: "I have a headache. Plus, I’ve dislocated my shoulder and was shot in the leg as I fell off a ladder. Luckily, my hip broke the fall. Unluckily, the fall broke my hip. And, as I was laying there, our neighbor's dog bit me in the..." Woman: "You wanna get frisky?" Man: "YOU BET!"         American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene  

The only problem with setting a good example is no one follows a good example.   Fake News Wonders: Can a president pardon himself? "I don't need to apologize to Monica Lewinski."--Former President Clinton I guess they can.   This Just In! To Celebrate The Historic President Trump / Kim Jong-un Summit--TODAY ONLY!--All Korean Massages... FREE!   This Just In! The Historic President Trump / Kin Jong-un Summit... A SUCCESS! "But what about Russia?" wails Fake News.   This Just In! As part of the historic agreement between President Trump and Kim Jong-un, the portly dictator promised North Koreans will no longer eat dogs. "We've already eaten them all," he admits, chuckling.   This Just In! A new report by the University of California at Berkeley blames "hard to defend" conservative speech for inciting left-wing students to violence, and, further, conservative rape victims who dress provocatively "ar...

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy    Where do secret agents go when they resign?      I found out the hard way when I angrily resigned from my agency over a matter of principle without first making arrangements to disappear myself. In my flat--while I was hurriedly packing--I was gassed unconscious and woke up in a beautiful village, with an ocean in front of me and mountains blocking my rear flank. In other word, no direction to escape.      “You are Number Six,” I was told.      "Number what?"      "Six. For official purposes. Everyone has a number. Yours is Number Six."      “I am not a number, I am a free man! I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or NUMBERED!”      “That's all well and good, Number Six, but we give people here in The Village a number be...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,     Due to some unfortunate family circumstances, I was devastated to discover that nearly all of my boxes of cherished recipes have been destroyed. I’m now starting over from scratch—no pun intended—to replace these special recipes so I can pass them down to my children, but not my children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.     Most of my family members have died, so they can no longer be a resource for the traditional dishes I grew up with.     What can I do?     —Devastated Dear Devastated, No one cares about your stupid recipes. Dear John,     My friends have blessed me with several nights free at an expensive beach resort, all expenses paid.     The problem is my friends inconsiderately got me a room with NO VIEW! It faces the GOLF COURSE, rather than the ocean, as I would like. This i...

This Just In! The Very Elderly George Bush! Hospitalized! For Low Blood Pressure & Fatigue! "Give it to me straight, doc," the former 41st president wanted to know. "Am I sick?" "You're just old."   This Just In! Chelsea Clinton: President Trump degrades "what it means to be an American." Her opinions would mean more if the only job she's ever held wasn't just being a Clinton.   This Just In! In an interview with British Fake News, Chelsea Clinton said the Trump Administration is laden with "cruelty and incompetence and corruption" and other words that begin with C. "Wait a minute," she corrected, "that was my FATHER'S administration."   This Just In! According to British Fake News, Chelsea Clinton ORDERS the British people to "show up to protest" President Trump's July visit to England because "as a Clinton, it's my job to sow hatred and discord as a way fo...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      My daughter is still in high school, but she’s dating a man who’s 26-years-old! He has three children with another girl but refuses to marry her or pay child support.      When my daughter goes out with him, he keeps her out until 3:30! Or later.      Sometimes even all night long. He does this ALL THE TIME! Even though he assures me before they leave that he’ll have her back at a reasonable hour. She must like him because he’s funny. I always hear them laughing all the way to his van.      I’m beginning to think he’s a liar and isn’t any good for her. Should I forbid her from seeing him or let her make her OWN decisions?      We are NOT going to raise a baby out of wedlock!      —Concerned Dear Concerned, That’s what YOU think! Dear John,   ...

Well, it's the swimming time of the year, and you know what that means, don't you?      Yes, it means young girls in skimpy bathing suits.      "If you don't want me to look, then why do you dress that way?" is what I like to say.      Something else I like to say is, "Take it from me, kids: Drowning Is NO Fun," and it's even less fun when you capitalize it like that.      I put drowning just ahead of stubbing your toe, but just behind getting a bad hair cut.      Did you know that drowning is a top-cause of injury related death for people who want to impress the opposite sex by pretending they know how to swim?      It's true.      With that in mind, let me give you ten tips for swimming safety... but first, maybe I'll get a little high:   10) During family swim time, assign a constant, capable adult supervisor. Can't find one? ...

My dad was pretty tough in his youth.      These days, I could probably take him in a fair fight, but the fear he instilled in me as a young boy has me trembling at the thought of a fight with him, fair or otherwise.     Back when I was still in single digits, I came home crying because my best friend’s father had booted me in the can. “Get the Hell out of my house!” he yelled. I had broken something. I don’t remember what, but he must have been pretty fond of it.     When my father, who was in the street changing his car’s oil, saw me crying, he immediately wanted to know who did it.     “Mr. Sanchez,” I sniffed.     My father dropped his tools. They hit the pavement with an angry clank. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me along to our neighbor’s house, banging on the door when he got there.     Mr. Sanchez opened it, and stood there with a t...