American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports!    Buckingham Palace Reports That Prince Philip, The Duke Of Edinburgh, Has Been Admitted To The Hospital Over A "Pre-Existing" Condition! That's okay, Philip, herpes is nothing to be embarrassed about.    Adam Driver Walked Out Of An NPR Interview When Terry Gross Played A Clip Of Him In His Latest Movie! "I don't like to look at myself," the Star Wars actor explained. Now you know how the rest of us feel.    Aging Thespian Robert De Niro Says President Trump Should Get Hit In The Face With A Bag Of Excrement "Because He Needs To Be Humiliated." Getting old is no fun, kids.    Miley Cyrus Shares A Touching Holiday Message For Her Fans Who Are Feeling Lonely This Festive Season! "I'LL have sex with you. The line starts behind the dumpster."    Christmas Mass Has Been Cancelled At Notre Dame de Paris For The First And Only Time Since 1803! "It's not because of the fire that burnt down ...

Donald Trump Is So Smart    ...no one's ever had to tell him the saying "If at first you don't succeed..."!    ...he can lead a horse to water AND make it drink!    ...he never says "Who's your daddy?" He KNOWS the answer.    ...he's never had to read a book! He only has to hold the book in his John Henry-sized hands to absorb its contents.    ...speaking of books, he CAN judge a book by its cover!    ...he once stared ignorance in the face, and ignorance backed down!    ...when he goes to Las Vegas he doesn't count cards, he counts his winnings!    ...when you look up the word "smart" in the dictionary you'll find a photograph of Albert Einstein... ...POINTING at a picture of Donald Trump!    ...he's not politically correct! He's just correct.    ...when Descartes said "I think, therefore I am," he meant "I think, therefore I am......

Donald Trump Is So Smart    ...he's counted from one to infinity SEVENTEEN times!    ...he can beat you in a game of Connect Four with his first move!    ...he's got only one pair of chromosomes and they're BOTH smarter than you are!    ...when he left college his brain stayed behind to get an MBA!    ...when he leaves office America will no longer be a democracy, it will be a Trumpocracy!    ...if he had been alive two thousand years ago, Baby Jesus wouldn't have needed THREE Wisemen!    ...scientists have concluded that the energy emitted by a Black Hole is roughly one-tenth of his brain power!    ...he can play Russian roulette with a loaded gun and win!    ...he doesn't have to play God! Playing is for children.    ...that you can fool so e of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can never fool Donald...

In any conversation with my boss, he goes blah, blah, blah about nothing I care about, and, when he's done, I just agree.    Taking a nap. Or, as I like to call it, pressing life's "Pause" button.    I only ask you about your day so I can tell you about mine.    There are NO limits to what you can do. Lack of ability? That'll stop you every time.    I set up a camera in my house to see if my maid was stealing from me. You know what? She STOLE it!    Fake News Report! Did you know it was Ozzy Osbourne's birthday yesterday? Neither did Ozzy Osbourne.    This Just In! Paul McCartney & Rihanna Run Into Each Other While On A Plane! Sadly, neither one knew who the other one was.    Fake News Reports! Richard E. Grant Hefts A Heaping Helping Of Hurrahs On The New Star Wars Movie! That would mean more if I knew who Richard E. Grant was.    Fake News Reports! Penguin ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine      “Only love can break your heart.” -- Neil Young    I had bad news for my father      His younger brother, whom I wrote about back in 2015, had lost his battle with cancer.      I went into my father’s bedroom. He was awake, just looking at the ceiling.      “Aren’t you going to get out of bed?” I asked.      “Can’t,” he said. “I’m dead.”      “What makes you think you’re dead?”      “Because I woke up and nothing hurts.”      That reminded me of how I first heard my uncle was sick. I was sitting by my father in the den, me on my laptop and him watching TV.      “What're you doing?” he wanted to know.      "Research,” I told him. “On Google."   ...

sing to the tune of Neil Sedaka's  Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Can’t doo-doo Ow owie ouch ow ow Grumble grumble ow owie ouch ow ow Grumble grumble ow owie ouch ow ow Getting old is hard to do    It takes so long for me to pee I start at two and I end at three Forget to zip when I'm through 'Cause getting old is hard to do    Transgendered men, it hurts to think How'd it feel chopping off my dink Either way, my sex life's through 'Cause getting old is hard to do    They say that getting old is hard to do Feet hurt bad My hair's thinning, too Limp dick that will only bend If I weren't so old I could be filling my wife's hole again    I beg of you, just let me die When I bend my knees I start to cry My insides all turning to goo ' Cause getting old is hard to do    They say that getting old is hard to do Eyesight's gone My hearing is, too Will this constipation end?...

“He’s ...GUILTY!”     “Guilty of what?”     “Oh, he’s guilty all right.”     “Yes, but guilty of what?”     “Guilty of those things he did.”     “What things?”     “Illegal things.”     “What illegal things did he do?”     “The things he’s guilty of.”     “But WHAT things are he guilty of?”     “Those things he did that we can’t tell you about. Those things that we can’t charge him with. And we have the evidence. Oh, trust us, we have the evidence.”     “What evidence?”     “The evidence we have.”     “The evidence we can’t see?”     “Yes, THAT evidence. Important evidence.”     “So important that you can’t show it to us?”     “Yes. TREASONOUS evidence.”     “So treasonous that you’ll wait until after his second term before you’ll charge him with it?”     “That’s right. And his SON, too.”     “His so...

Smiling, the clown locked the door.    Never said I was a woman.    Grandpa was tough... and tasted awful.    Yes, Virginia, there IS a Pennywise.    For sale. Baby shoes. Don't ask.    Halloween. Look at all those treats.    I have my father's eyes. Tasty.    I'm lost. Who's that behind me?    Sex. Sex. Sex. Married. No sex.    Did I mention? I have AIDS.    This meat tastes funny. Where's grandma?    Is THAT a lump I feel?    The Secret Service read your tweets.    And that man was Jeffrey Dahmer. Why do these dates have legs?    But mommy SAID she'd be back!    "I thought you were dead?" "I am."    "I'm dead? Sweet Jesus!" "Guess again."    Who left the black door open?    Is THAT a gun he's carrying?    Turns out, it WAS a gun.    Turns o...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine   My elderly father, who lives with my wife and I, has his own set of keys to our house, so he comes and goes on his walks as he pleases. I used to try to look out for him, but no matter what I suggested, he’d do the opposite.      "Pop," I'd tell him, "It's hot. Why don't you wait until it cools off?"      "It's not hot," my father would say on his way out. On his way back in, he'd say, "Man, was it hot. I should have waited until it cooled off."      "Pop, it’s cold."      "Pop, it's raining."      "Pop, it's getting dark."      I retired from a job I really enjoyed to become a weatherman for my father.      On this particular day, my father gets home feeling good. So good, in fact, that he decides to go on an afternoon walk. The problem is, he can't...