American Chimpanzee

Ever notice how the husbands of the ten best-dressed women are never on the list of the ten best-dressed men?    Ever notice how health club commercials never show people who look like they need to be there?    Ever notice how the older you get, the better at sports you used to be?    Ever notice how your phone doesn't ring in the morning? That is, unless you're trying to sleep in.    Ever notice how a boring person never loses their voice?    Ever notice how your waiter is never around when you're ready for the check?    Ever notice how certain Hollywood celebrities have taken "'Til Death Do You Part" as a recommendation?    Ever notice how when you get older you lose your short-term memory, and--not only that--but you also lose your short-term memory?    Ever notice how this who ask a lot of questions are the ones who aren't interested in getting any answers?  ...

Announcer: “Welcome to America’s hottest new game show!” (studio audience yells:) “WILL TRUMP WEASEL OUT OF IT!” Announcer: “The game show where YOU determine whether our Occupant in Chief will weasel his way out of his latest asinine statement.   “In every episode our host, Jackie ‘The Joke Man’ Martling, will reveal a quote from”the greatest president in our lifetime,” and the caller who comes up with the correct answer will win a Tootsie Roll.   “The results will be kept secret and held by the national accounting firm of Price Waterhouse until it’s time to award that Tootsie Roll.   “Are you ready, Joke Man?” Jackie Martling: “I’m ready.” Announcer: “Are you ready America?” (studio audience yells:) “Send Her Back! Send Her Back! Send Her Back!” Announcer: “Then... Let’s Get Ready To WEASEL!” Jackie Martling: “President Donald Trump recently told four congresswomen—all women of color—to ‘go back’ where they came...

NIKE Vehemently Defends Decision To Call The American Flag RACIST! "This is America," a spokesman groveling at the feet of Colin Kaepernick sniffed. "We have the right to be intimidated by anybody we want. Right, Mr. Kaepernick?"    President Trump's Fourth Of July Parade Will Be Partially Paid For By Diverting Funds From The National Parks Service! "And THAT money should go for free health care and college for foreign nationals who are in this country illegally," gripe Democrats.    "Is The U.S. Ready For 'Madam President'?" Asks Vogue Magazine. I don't know... Why don't you ask Hillary Clinton?    California Shaken By A 6.9 Earthquake Over The Fourth Of July Holiday! A 5.4 aftershock was recorded later in Los Angeles. Governor Gavin Newsom and L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti BOTH stumped as to how to blame it on Trump.    Rep. Justin Amash Declares His Independence From The Republican Party! ...

Forgive and Forget, is what I always say... ...but what I'm really thinking is "Never forget a slight and plot your revenge accordingly."    The downside to being lazy and unemployed is, from the second I wake up, I'm immediately at work.    What did the right eye say to the left eye? "Something between us smells."    Me: "Doctor, it hurts when I bend my knee." My Doctor: "Then don't bend your knee."    I do just fine without my morning coffee. It's everybody around me who suffers.    The Super Bowl is the only bowl my mother doesn't try to clean.    I like to let my mind wander. It's as close to exercising as I'm gonna get.    Ther4 is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.    Vengeance helps me forgive.    Things That Make Me Go Hmm: If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two arms?         Ame...

Fake News Reports!    Iran Says President Trump's New U.S. Sanctions Have Closed The Road To Diplomacy "FOREVER"! "Of course the unprovoked bombing of your oil tankers and the shooting down of your military drones will continue."     Iran Says President Trump's New U.S. Sanctions Have Closed The Road To Diplomacy "FOREVER"! "And can someone please lend us a knife?" said  Foreign Ministry spokesman, Abbas Mousavi. "Iran would now like to cut off its nose to spite its face."    Iran Says President Trump's New U.S. Sanctions Have Closed The Road To Diplomacy "FOREVER"! But what about the Acts of War you've recently committed? "What does THAT have to do with anything?"    President Trump's New U.S. Sanctions Are  CRIPPLING Iran! "Can someone lend us a cookie?" asks Iran's Foreign Ministry spokesman, Abbas Mousavi.    San Francisco Becomes The FIRST U.S. City...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com    I love my granddaughter.      When I wrote about her in the March issue of Desert Exposure, judging by the response I received, I’m not alone. My father loves her too, but he’s also afraid of her. When she’s running around like a miniature version of the Tasmanian Devil from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, he hangs onto whatever he can for dear life.      She’s four now, but when she turned three we began looking into putting her in pre-school. My granddaughter’s pretty special, so we wanted to find her someplace equally as special. Luckily, we found Radford, a private school that’s been in business for over a hundred years. Like my ex-wife, it doesn’t look a day over 95. She loves it there, and now doesn’t mind going to bed early, which was not always the case.      Once, I was trying to put her to bed, but she had other ideas, so I told her, “If you d...