American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports!    In A City Of Millions, Thousands Have Signed A Petition To Rename The Street Outside Of Trump Tower After President Obama Because... "...there are no other problems in the world."    The NYPD Fires Daniel Pantaleo For The 2014 Accidental Death Of Eric Garner, Whose Dying Words Of "Can I Have Fries With That?" Created A National Debate Over The Wisdom Of Obese Felons With Health Issues Resisting Arrest!    The New York Police Department FIRES Daniel Pantaleo For The Accidental Death Of Eric Garner! "I'll be okay," the former police officer assured his supporters. "In fact, I've already got a job offer from Michael Corleone to be his personal bodyguard."    Former Texas Running Back And Bears 4th Overall Pick, Cedric Benson, Has Died! "We're looking at YOU, Daniel Pantaleo!" NYPD Commissioner James O'Neil was quick to announce.    Palestinians To Honor Their Grandmothers After Congres...

Fake News Reports!    The Baltimore Home Of Maryland Congressman Elijah Cummings BURGLARIZED! Maybe NOW he'll admit his district is a dump.    Meghan Markle Guest Edits British Vogue's September Issue! "Editing a magazine is easier than I thought," the Duchess of Sussex marveled. "Apparently, the only thing you have to do as an editor is show up."    Anonymous Bidder Buys Tupac Shakur's Prison I.D. For Thirty THOUSAND Dollars! "Now, every day, I can look at it and say: 'What the heck was I thinking?'"    A Traveler From Thailand Was Stranded In A Russian Airport When He Was Told There Wouldn't Be A Connecting Flight To China For FIVE Days! How is THIS possible? Because Russia and China aren't the United States.    President Trump: "In one voice our nation must condemn racism, bigotry, and white supremacy." Beto O'Rourke: "Trump is "inciting racism and violence!" Sa...

Fake News Reports!    Answering A Reporter's Question, President Trump Offered This Positive Back-To-School Message To Students Worried About Mass Shooters: "Go and really study hard... (you) have nothing to fear... nothing to worry about." "THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" came the opposing viewpoint.    Joe Biden Says: "Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids." Why does The Left just naturally assume the poor are all people of color?    Happy Left Handers Day! A day where left-handed people celebrate themselves because no one else really cares.    Richard Gere Brings Humanitarian Supplies To A Ship Filled With Migrants Stranded In The Mediterranean Sea! And then he hoisted the ship onto his massive shoulders and carried it to shore.    Alanis Morisette Welcomes Her Third Child! A boy named Winter Mercy, which, ironically enough, is the title of George RR Martin's Final Game of Thrones nov...

My Ex-Wife's Gynecologist: “Would you please spread your legs?” My Ex-Wife: “I already have.”       American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

FAKE NEWS REPORTS!    The Baltimore Home Of Maryland Congressman Elijah Cummings BURGLARIZED! Maybe NOW he'll admit his district is a dump.    Meghan Markle Guest Edits British Vogue's September Issue! "Editing a magazine is easier than I thought," the Duchess of Sussex marveled. "Apparently, the only thing you have to do as an editor is show up."    Anonymous Bidder Buys Tupac Shakur's Prison I.D. For Thirty THOUSAND Dollars! "Now, every day, I can look at it and say: 'What the heck was I thinking?'"    A Traveler From Thailand Was Stranded In A Russian Airport When He Was Told There Wouldn't Be A Connecting Flight To China For FIVE Days! How is THIS possible? Because Russia and China aren't the United States.    President Trump: "In one voice our nation must condemn racism, bigotry, and white supremacy." Beto O'Rourke: "Trump is "inciting racism and violence!" Say...

José  was still in Hawaii and wanted to walk along the beach, but he was shy about putting on a pair of swim trunks.      “I’m kind of small down there,” he complained to the concierge.      “I understand completely,” the concierge told him, holding his hand out for a tip. “What you do is stuff a potato in your trunks. The women will run to you screaming in excitement.”      And that’s exactly what José did. He put on his swim trunks, stuffed an extra-large Idaho potato down there, and walked out to the pool to test it out.      No one noticed him at first, so José decided to dive into the clear, blue water. He swam over to the edge and pulled himself out... and that's  when the shit hit the fan.      The women ran, all right, but they ran away from José , screaming in horror. Some even throwing up by the side of the pool.      Those were the models.      Hotel employees ...

Fake News Reports!    The World Health Organization Declares The Congo's Ebola Outbreak An International Health Emergency! "We must immediately bring them to the United States," squawk Democrats.    Republican Businesswoman Scherie Murray, Who Immigrated From Jamaica, Will Challenge Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez For Her Congressional Seat! "She's a RACIST," Democrats decry. But she's black. "That's the worst kind."    Republican Rand Paul BLOCKS House Vote To Continue Funding The 9-11 Victims Compensation Fund! Why? "Because I never learned to choose my battles."    This Just In! Which Questions Are Robert Mueller Refusing To Answer In His Congressional Testimony? Only the ones that would incriminate him.    I.C.E. Detains A United States Citizen For Over THREE Weeks! "I was trying to enter the U.S. from Mexico, had no identification, and can't speak English. I don't know why they didn't t...

Once Upon A Time In El Paso    OMG!      President Trump Is Coming To El Paso!      In a panic, Beto O'Rourke calls the leader of the Democratic Party.      “What do I do?” he cries.      “Call him a racist,” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez commands, “and tell him he’s not welcomed!”      Beto: “You’re not welcomed here, you racist.”      Crisis averted.       American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene