American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports!    Singing Sensation Sia Reveals She Has Adopted Two Boys! "It's been over a year now," she says, "and they still don't know what I look like."    Who Knew Kim Carnes' Hit Song Betty Davis Eyes Was About Tom Selleck!    To Fight The Coronavirus, Canada Seals Deal To Make 10 Million Face Masks! Kind of late to the game, aren't you, Canada?    Wearing A Face Mask, Joe Biden Kool-A-Like Makes His First Public Appearance In Two Months!    People Are Calling For A Blackfaced Jimmy Fallon To Be Fired After A Video Of Him Impersonating Chris Rock On NBC's  Saturday Night Live Surfaces! Okay, America. Now you've gone too far.    NBC Fires Megan Kelly For Talking About Blackface, And Pays Jimmy Fallon Millions For Wearing Blackface! Way to go, NBC.    Best Gangster Movie Of All Time? Miller's Crossing or The Godfather . Flip a coin.    #Ta...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   This morning my wife greets me with a cup of coffee and a question.      "Guess what dad found this morning?"      Let's see, what's the only thing my father's been looking for these days? What's the only thing my father's been blaming everybody but himself for misplacing? What's the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?      "The keys the baby stole?" I venture, taking a sip of my coffee.      Ouch, it's hot... but it keeps me from laughing out loud. I know the baby didn't take them. My wife knows the baby didn't take them. The only person who doesn't seem to know is my father. According to him, his 2-year-old great-grandson snatched his keys out of his hand, stole his car, and maxed out his credit cards playing blackjack in Vegas.      Of course, I'm joking.   ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com Kids are funny.      My granddaughter, now five, will ask me “Guess what?” with a mischievous grin.      Okay, I’ll bite.      “What?”      “ Chickenbutt! ” she’ll say.      And she’ll laugh and laugh and laugh.      It’s become a running joke between the two of us.      As you can tell, my granddaughter has a good sense of humor, but she’s also very sweet. Earlier today, she went to the pantry and got two Fruit Roll-Ups. I thought they were both for her, so I told her to put one back.      “But this one’s for grandpa,” she told me, meaning my father. “I’m going to show him how to eat it.”      Her big heart also extends to her great-grandfather’s dog. Whenever the mangy creature ...

Fake News Reports!    Six Word Horror Story Special Memorial Day Edition! "I just got my draft notice."      THIS JUST IN! Ontario Stores Are RE-OPENING! Who cares? That's in Canada.    The Shooting At The Naval Air Station In Corpus Christi, Texas May Be "Terrorist Related," And A 2nd Person Of Interest May Be At Large! Adam Schiff is looking into whether or not that second person is President Trump. "The man is diabolical," he says.    For Those Who Doubted It Would Last, Harry & Meghan Markle Are Celebrating Their SECOND Wedding Anniversary! Separately.    Rejoice As Harry & Meghan Markle Celebrate Their SECOND Wedding Anniversary! As Michael Jackson said about his marriage to Lisa Marie Presley, "And they said it wouldn't last."    Presidential Wannabe Joe Biden Goes On Charlamagne Tha God's Radio Program To Discuss The Black Vote! "Corn Pop!" he greeted the African-American host ...

Fake News Reports!    New York Governor Anthony Cuomo Provides Updates In His Daily Briefing! "That's right, ladies. Like my brother Fredo says, I'm single and ready to mingle."    Today (05-19-2020) Would Have Been The Great Civil Rights Leader Malcolm X's 95th Birthday! Call him Malcolm XCV.    Annie Glenn, The Widow Of Former Astronaut & U.S. Senator John Glenn, Has Died Of The Coronavirus! I'm sure her being 100-years-old had nothing to do with it.    Nancy Pelosi Calls President Trump "Morbidly Obese"! Apparently, someone doesn't have any mirrors in her multi-million dollar San Francisco mansion.    Presidential Wannabe Joe Biden Confirms He'll Revoke The Keystone XL Pipeline Permit Because... "I want to make sure I do everything I can to lose the election."    Governor Gavin Newsom Accelerates California's Reopening! "I had to do something to stem the tide of our businesses and t...

Fake News Reports!    R.I.P.  Richard Wayne Penniman Which of your musical heroes was influenced by Little Richard? ALL OF THEM!    Barack Obama Calls President Trump's Coronavirus Response A "Chaotic Disaster"! "And I'm not just saying that because I'm being implicated in a criminal conspiracy along with the FBI," the former president assures us.    It's not an insult if it's true.    Native American Communities Have Been Hit Especially Hard By The Coronavirus! Fortunately, the U.S. government has kept them too broke and unemployed to notice.    The Experts At The World Health Organization (WHO) Warn The World That The Coronavirus "May Never Go Away"! Um... you mean like every other virus that's ever existed?    NBC News Apologizes For Getting Caught Using A Biasedly Edited CBS Quote From Attorney General William Barr Meant To Mislead The American People! Meet The Press, indeed.    Chuck T...

Fake News Reports!    You get paid double-time for working on holidays because business is usually so slow on holidays that every hour feels like two.    Elon Musk Names His New Son " X Æ A-12" ! "I wanted his name to be a reminder to people of just how smart I am," the SpaceX pioneer explained, "just before they punch him in the face."    Michelle Obama Releases Her First Netflix Documentary " Becoming"! The first half of the film is devoted to her and her husband laughing all the way to the bank.    BuzzFeed News Wonders Why The Homeless Can't Use The Empty Hotel  Rooms Across The Country During The Pandemic! Why don't you let the homeless stay in that spare bedroom you have in your house? "Hey! We're not talking about ME!"    A Gas Leak In India Has Killed At Least Eleven And Injured Hundreds! "How can we tie this to the Coronavirus?" wonders news media.    A Five-Year-Old Boy Steals H...

Fake News Reports!    Taking A Tentative Step Into The 21st Century, Saudi Arabia Bans Public Floggings! "No more public FLOGGINGS!" a Saudi Official declares triumphantly. "You'll now have to beat your wife in private if you catch her reading a book."    With Nothing Better To Do While Quarantined, Celebrities Are Being Inspired By "Tiger King" And Taking "Big Cat Conservation" To Congress! "Let's face it, there are some things more important than Human Trafficking," they say to themselves in the mirror.    FREE Coronavirus Testing Is Now Available To ALL L.A. County Residents! "I'm here for a Coronavirus test." "We're all out."    Taking A Tentative Step Into The 21st Century, Saudi Arabia Bans Public Floggings! "No more public FLOGGINGS!" a Saudi official declares triumphantly. "You'll now have to beat your wife in private if you catch her reading a book....

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine    I wasn't planning on writing a story for our issue dedicated to the noble turtle. My daughter submitted a whimsical tale for the occasion and I thought that was enough of a family representation. Plus, turtles have never been much of a muse for me. My granddaughter on the other hand... We were at the beginning of The Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020, and I was taking my granddaughter to visit with my sister. She lives in the house my parents owned, the one I grew up in.      Across the street is an elementary school where I got into all kinds of shenanigans as a kid. I wouldn’t say my friends and I were troublemakers, but, if there was trouble, we were usually around. Sadly, there’s a chain link fence surrounding the school now, so the playground was inaccessible.      “Inaccessible,” my granddaughter repeated. “What’s that?”      “That means...