American Chimpanzee

by Jimmy “Mack Daddy” Duchene    I woke up  this morning Smelled something dead I knew in an instant I wouldn’t be GETTING NOTHING IN BED!   Those Brown Bed Blues Those Brown Bed Blues I dropped a deuce On those Brown Bed Blues I know I ain’t no Doctor Seuss Oh, those Brown Bed Blues   No morning quickie No gobbling the knob My woman turned her back to me And said, “GET YOUR ASS TO YOUR JOB!”   Those Brown Bed Blues Those Brown Bed Blues I dropped a deuce On those Brown Bed Blues I know I ain’t no Doctor Seuss Oh, those Brown Bed Blues   It came without warning It sure wasn’t fun When I thought I was finished TURNS OUT I WASN’T DONE   Those Brown Bed Blues Those Brown Bed Blues I dropped a deuce On those Brown Bed Blues I know I ain’t no Doctor Seuss Oh, those Brown Bed Blues   Now my baby’s done left me My dog’s up and died My guitar’s in escrow And I’m still PERCOLATING INSIDE!   Those Brown Bed Blues Those Brown Bed Blues I droppe...

Fake News Reports!    Country Group Lady Antebellum Changes Their Name In a Pathetic Attempt To Assuage Their White Guilt! "We're sorry for the hurt our name has caused," they apologized. Sorry to disappoint you, Lady A, but you're not that important.    Country Group Lady Antebellum Changes Their Name In a Pathetic Attempt To Stay One Step Ahead Of Cancel Culture Warriors! "We're sorry for the hurt our name has caused," they apologized. Thanks, Lady A. You've single-handedly solved racism.    Country Group Lady Antebellum Changes Their Name In a Pathetic Attempt To Appease The George Floyd Rioters! "We never meant to hurt people with our name," they explained. What people are you talking about, Lady A? "We're not allowed to say."    Cautiously Kowtowing To Black Lives Matter, Country Group Lady Antebellum Changes Their Name! "We're sorry for the hurt our name has caused," they apologized. W...

Fake News Reports!    Former Somali Citizen And Current Minnesota Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar Has Announced Her Father Has Died From COVID-19! "My biggest regret is that I wasn't able to marry him like I did with my brother," she laments.    All-American & Big 12 Offensive Player Of The Year Chuba Hubbard REFUSES To Play For Oklahoma State After Seeing Head Coach Mike Gundy Wearing A T-Shirt He Disagrees With! Man, when did the men in our country become so dysfunctionally sensitive?    Over 20 Indian Soldiers KILLED In Military Skirmish With China! So how many Chinese soldiers did India kill? "We suffered no casualties," a Chinese spokesman insists. But what about those dead soldiers? "They're not dead. They're just resting."    The ENTIRE Oklahoma State Football Team Leave The Field Crying After Seeing Their Head Coach Mike Gundy In An "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt!    A Black Lives Matter Update: T...

Fake News Reports!    Mitt Romney Joins Black Lives Matter Protest March In Washington DC! Sorry, Mitt, but you're never gonna be president.    The Weekend At Biden's Campaign Staff Says The Presidential Wannabe OPPOSES Defunding The Police! "Can I have more Jello?" Joe affirms.    The World Health Organization (WHO) Admits There Is Much More To Learn And Understand About Asymptomatic Transmission Of The Virus! In other words... "A billion dollars in funding and we don't know shit."    The George Floyd Riots Have Sparked Protests WORLDWIDE Over Police Brutality! So... you mean it doesn't just happen only in America?    Dumping A Racalcitrant North Carolina, The Republican National Convention (RNC) Will Be Held In Jacksonville, Florida! Isn't Florida A Necessary swing state? What a coincidence.    Another CEO Forced To Resign After Backlash Over Controversial Comments! Here's ...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core's Hardest Core...  John Leslie!    Dear John,      I just read that dogs who served in the Iraq war are coming home with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Now I feel bad that I've been yelling at my puppy for pooping in the pantry.       Can dogs really develop this condition?      --Thank You For Your Service    Dear Puppy Pooper, Nah, they're just scamming the Government for a disability retirement just like everybody else. Next!    Dear John,      I've been downsized from my job and find myself looking for a new one at a pretty advanced age. I'd love to do something where I can make a difference in the world.      Do you think I can?      --65-Years-Young    Dear Old Guy, You're 65-years too late. Next!    Dear John,    ...

Fake News Reports!    China Tests 10 Million People In Wuhan And Find No New Coronavirus Cases! This was the test: "Are you COVID-19 infected?" "No." "Then you may go about your business and not be killed."    Ciara Writes Her 6-Year-Old Son A Powerful Letter Inspired By The George Floyd Riots And Immediately Releases It To The Public... "...so people can see what a hero I am."    In A Public Statement, The Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Empire Calls For A Dismantling Of White Supremacy! You could start by giving your company to the family of George Floyd. "Hey, let's not go overboard with crazy talk here."    Former President Barack Obama Finally  Speaks Out On The George Floyd Riots & Looting! And all the world's problems are now magically solved.    Fake News Wonders: Since the majority of the violent rioting and looting takes place after curfew, maybe we should get rid of curfews.  ...

Fake News Reports! Forbes Business Magazine Reveals That Kylie Jenner Is NOT A Billionaire!! "No, but she does have a big..." The state of California to Elon Musk: "We refuse to let you open your Tesla plant." Elon Musk to the state of California: "In that case, I'm moving my plant to Texas." The State of California to Fake News: "We've come to an agreement with Elon Musk."    You see Tito's premium vodka. I see hand sanitizer.    Who knew Carly Simon's hit song You're So Vain was about Donald Trump?    In A CNN Interview With Don Lemon, Jane Fonda PRAISES The George Floyd Rioters & Looters! "You ARE staying out of MY neighborhood," she asked the African-American host. "Right?"    Former President Barack Obama Urges Those Angered By The Death Of George Floyd To Focus Their Energy In Voting The Do-Nothing Politicians Responsible For This Mess Out Of Office! But these rio...

Fake News Reports!    Black Man (handcuffed and laying face-down on the street): "I... can't... breathe..." Police Officer (pressing his knee against the back of the black man's neck): "Sure you can breathe. The fact that you're talking proves that." Black Man : *dies* Police Office : "Oops."    The Attorney For The Defense : "Before you jump to any conclusions, let me remind the press, the American public, and any potential jurors that there are two sides to every story: the truth ... and that lying video footage.    The Cook Islands Sacrifices Its Economy To Stay Coronavirus-Free! A Fake News Future Report: Dateline 2073 "All Cook Islanders have died from COVID-19. Sadly, they didn't build up the antibodies needed to fight the virus along with the rest of humanity 50 years ago."    Monkeys Attack A Meerut Medical College Lab Assistant In India And "Escapes With COVID-19 Samples"! Now, te...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine I was packing my bags, getting ready to leave for the airport when I got the text: “I’m here for you.”      “Thanks,” I wrote back. “Yeah, it’s a bad situation, but I’m sure it will be okay. I just wish the doctor would have some good news for a change. The series of enemas my father has to go through isn't going to be any fun, but what can I do? I asked the doctor how bad it was going to be since my father will be treated at home. He said it would be "explosive." And "messy." And who's going to have to clean it up? Me. He's my dad, so I can't leave it for my wife to do. Anyway, thanks for being there for me, but I've gotta go. I’m waiting for my Uber driver.”      “I AM your Uber driver,” came the reply, "and I'm here for you."      I’m glad he’s there for me because every month my elderly father likes to check his bank statement. Sadly, he’s been diagnosed pre-A...