American Chimpanzee

Today's Horrorscope! Sagittarius:  I wouldn't get out of bed if I were you. Pisces:  Hmm... what's that lump?  Aquarius:  You'll never be good enough. Taurus:  Is that a clown hiding in your closet? Virgo:  Crazy people don't care about restraining orders. Aries: Maybe it's a tumor. Gemini: There's no point in buying those green bananas. Libra: Fortunately, it won't be painful. Cancer: You're about to learn the meaning of the word irony. Capricorn: Is your health insurance paid up?  Just asking. Scorpio: How long have you had that mole? Leo: Your neighbor hasn't fed his pit bull in four days. Jim Duchene Chief Scienstrogist    American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

 Fake News Reports! I can get by on four hours of sleep a night...  ...and six more at work. I'm grumpy... ...even AFTER I've had my coffee, too. We come into this world alone, we go out of this world alone, and, in between, there's dating apps. #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories The green beer gave me cancer. According to fact-checking site Lead Story, BBC journalists, and Mashable, the video of Joe Biden outside of the White House and strolling the south lawn is real. "Can you tell me where I am?" he asked a group of reporters. Just got my Trump Vaccine. I wonder what my super power is gonna be. Billionairess Kylie Jenner Is Expecting Her Fans Via GoFundMe To Pay For Her Best Friend & Makeup Artist Samuel Rauda's Surgery After A Car Accident! "Well, you certainly don't expect ME to pay for it?" Trying To Take Credit For Trump's Coronavirus Vaccine, A Confused Joe Biden Has Instead Mistakenly Taken Credit For The 500,000 Deaths CO...

  Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core... John Leslie!    Dear John,      My father is 68-years-old. He's active and in good health, but he's become increasingly obsessed with which of his children will get which of his belongings when he dies. Almost every conversation with us now consists of "So-and-so will get such-and-such IF he or she is good." I'm glad he's thinking ahead and putting his affairs in order, but I feel like he's missing out on living his life in the present. It's been months since we've been able to talk about normal things.      How do I get him to stop this obsession?      --Annoyed    Dear Annoyed, Your father has eight weeks to live.    Dear John,      Every Christmas or birthday, my son makes plans with his wife's family rather than ours. I can't remember the last time we've enjoyed a holiday with him and our grandchildren.      Any sugges...

    Fake News Reports! Look at that full moon! I can practically hear my ex howling. I just saw the Oprah Winfrey interview with The Royal Formerly Known As Prince Harry & Meghan Markle. You know, there was a time when the English conquered the world. Now they just whine to the  world. When my ex wanted us to renew our vows, I asked her: "Why make the same mistake twice?" My favorite exercise is the Diddly-Squat. The Royal Formerly Known As Prince Harry & Meghan Markle ask for everyone to please respect their privacy... ...except when it comes to watching their high-profile interviews. Great News! The CDC has given their permission for fully vaccinated people to socialize with other fully vaccinated people without having to use masks. Now all I need is to find fully vaccinated people I like enough to socialize with. I'm not hard of hearing. I'm TIRED of hearing. Musical artist The Weeknd--renowned for his spelling abilities--announces that from...

    The Nobis " Nos Enim Humus " Why is the water in the shower colder than the water in the sink? If life is but a dream, then what the heck am I doing when I'm asleep? Effective immediately: The Nobis forbids the use of the phrase "separating children from their parents". Instead, we suggest the words "unaccompanied minors" be used in its place. Hollywood Beauties Sharon Stone & Charlize Theron Have Both Posted Profiles On Dating Apps, Their Feminist Lament being: "WHY WON'T MEN ASK US OUT?" To: FBI Director Christopher Wray From: The Nobis You said all the right things. You will be rewarded. Marriage: When the apple of your eye becomes the potato of your couch. Ever wonder why some mornings something will feel off, but you can't put your finger on what? It's because sometime, in the middle of the night, The Nobis moved all your furniture an inch to the right. Can ghosts die? OF COURSE you're entitled to your own opinion...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine My father's best friend recently left us for that great boneyard in the sky.  After a short period, he told us he wanted to adopt a new one. Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!          I campaigned against it, but found I was outvoted when the mail-in ballots were counted. I didn't want to accuse anyone of anything, but it looked suspiciously like election fraud to me.  Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! B...