American Chimpanzee

  Fake News Reports! El Paso, Texas! Where else can you go through all four seasons in one day? ********** What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?  An extra hour of rain. ********** What do you call a month's worth of rain?  England. ********** Netflix Employees To Stage A Walkout Because They Didn’t Get Their Way! “Waaah!” a spokesman for the disgruntled employees explained. “Waaah!” ********** Today Is National Pronouns Day! For those of you who want to make confusing personal pronouns commonplace, listen to Demi Lovato. That’s what you sound like. ********** Condoleezza Rice Goes On ABC’s The View! I understand that qualifies for combat pay. ********** The Albuquerque Journal Wonders Who—The Governor Or The Legislature—Should Spend Federal Relief Funds! Well, since you’re asking, how about ME? ********** THIS JUST IN: Giant Asteroid Hurtling Toward The Earth. Contact Imminent! Humanity Doomed! “I’ll get right on it,” Buttigieg promises, as he heats up a bottle ...

   Fake News Reports! The San Francisco Chronicle Reports On An Elderly Bay Area Couple Who Were Robbed By Their Caregiver! “I didn’t steal from them,” the caregiver corrected. “In the interest of reparations, I took the liberty of redistributing their wealth.” ********** I’m not saying my ex was a bad cook, but when she followed a recipe from the newspaper it was from the obituaries. ********** I’m not saying my ex is a lush, but the only thing she knows how to fix is a martini. ********** The Albuquerque Journal Reports That THREE Mayoral Candidates Will Debate On KOAT-TV! “We’re giving you this heads up so you can make plans to watch something else.” ********** I’m not saying my ex isn’t getting enough sleep, but the last time she was at the grocery store they asked her “Paper or plastic,” and she said, “Neither, I’ll just use the bags under my eyes.” ********** I’m not saying my ex was a bad cook, but the only time something smelled good coming from the kitchen was when she wa...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine  Every now and then one of my readers will ask about my mother.      The reason I don’t write about her more often is because my beautiful wife can always tell when I’ve been crying. When I cried at my mother’s funeral, she asked if it was because of my haircut.      I write about my father by default. When my mother died, my wife and I--mainly my wife--made the decision to invite my elderly, pre-Alzheimer’s father to move in with us. His good years were mainly behind him. He went from being someone who could fix anything to someone who could break anything at any time at the worst possible moment. I’m not particularly handy, so it’s been a chore.      My youngest sister took care of my mother the last years of her life, and I’m grateful to her. Bathing my mother and changing her diaper, well, let’s just say I’m not half the man my sister is. My father, for the most pa...

   Fake News Reports!      I am honored to have just won the Nobel Prize for humor. ********** Monday Was National Taco Day! Somehow, it feels kind of wrong that it wasn’t on a Tuesday. ********** I see Matt Damon is trending on Twitter! What’s that goober done now? ********** Experts Are Saying That Joe Biden’s Vaccine Mandate For Workers Is Supported By Legal Precedent! Unfortunately, those legal precedents are in communist countries. ********** The New York Times Reports That In Portugal There Is No One Left To Vaccinate! “So we’re going to need something else to keep our people in line,” Vice Adm. Henrique Gouveia e Melo said. ********** Albuquerque’s District 1 City Council Candidates All Agree That CRIME Is Their Number One Issue! SOLVING crime comes in a distant last. ********** The Journal Predicts A Quiet Weather Week For Albuquerque! “Cloudy, with a chance of gunfire.” ********** The Albuquerque Journal Reports That Speed Cameras Are Coming To It’s City’s ...

  Fake News Reports!      World News Reports That The United Nations General Assembly Continues! “Now that BTS is gone, we can really get things done,” an anonymous source said, breathing a sigh of relief. ********** In A Post Quoting The Late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, The ACLU Changed The Wording To Include Gender-Neutral Language Because… “That’s just the kind of hacks we’ve become.” ********** CalMatters Reports That California Is Running Out Of Water!    But why?    Karma, baby. Karma. *********** THIS JUST IN:    Beck Bennett Has Left NBC’s Long-Running Late-Night Program “Saturday Night Live” And The Amazing Thing Is… …nobody noticed. *********** When Asked About Women, The Times Reports That Jake Gyllenhaal Asserted “They’re Superior To Men.” “Please don’t cancel me,” he then whimpered when no one could hear. ********** The San Francisco Chronicle Reports That A Bay Area High School Has Rescued 4,000 Endangered Sa...