American Chimpanzee

    FAKE NEWS REPORTS! I see Neil Young is trending. Didn’t he used to be in a band or something? ********** New York’s Museum Of Natural History Has Canceled Teddy Roosevelt & Removed His Famous Statue From Its Entrance! “We were going to replace it with a statue of Caitlyn Jenner,” a spokesman for the museum said, “but then we found out she was a conservative.” ********** The El Paso Times Opines That Beto O’Rourke Can Win The Texas Governorship By Swaying Young Voters Of Color! “As a Democrat, I plan to continue the proud tradition of doing nothing for them,” the lanky politician promises. ********** York Democratic Gov. Kathy Hochul Blames 'shot from an illegal gun' for killing of NYPD officers But what about the criminal who pulled the trigger? “Who?” Yeah, that’s what I thought. ********** New York Governor Kathy Hochul Blames “An Illegal Gun” For The Shooting Deaths Of NYPD Officers! The gun has since been released on a no-cash bail. ********** THIS JUST IN: U.S. Su...

  FAKE NEWS REPORTS! Just saw HBO Max’s super-duper Harry Potter 20th Anniversary show WITHOUT JK Rowling. Like The Tin Man, it was missing its heart. ********** “GUILTY!” the judge said, and sentenced me to the electric chair. “What should I do?” I asked my lawyer. “Don’t sit down,” he said. ********** The Telegraph Reports That British Jihadist Malik Faisal Akram—The Texas Synagogue Terrorist—Was Allowed To Enter The U.S. Despite Having A Series Of “Red Flag Warnings”! Seems he correctly answered the most important question: “Will you vote Democrat?” “Yes.” “Welcome to America.” ********** The Bloomberg QuickTake Reports That North Korea Has Fired TWO MORE Missiles In It’s Aggressive 2022 Barrage! “And who’s going to stop us?” portly dictator Kim Jong-Un wants to know. “Joe Biden? Don’t make me laugh. Ha, ha, ha. I SAID DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH!” ********** Texas’ Future Governor, Democrat Beto O'Rourke Has Raised $7.2 Million Since Declaring His Candidacy In November! “You know PT Ba...

  FAKE NEWS REPORTS! Variety—Entertainment’s Premiere Newspaper—Reports That The Grammys Has Been Postponed Indefinitely! Even the music industry is finally admitting there’s been no good music since Rock & Roll died. ********** The Telegraph World News Is Reporting That American Polar Bears Are Migrating To RUSSIA! Why? “Free stuff, comrade,” a spokesman for the commie bears translated. ********** The Washington Post Criticizes Joe Biden For Going To Too Many Funerals! “But the food’s so good,” Biden insists between episodes of “Matlock.” ********** San Francisco’s 645-Foot Tall, 58-Story Millennium Tower Has Been Tilting Over 3 Inches Per Year! “We’re asking all our residents to stand on the other side of the building,” the luxury residential skyscraper’s management company says. ********** San Francisco’s 645-Foot Tall, 58-Story Millennium Tower Has Been Tilting Over 3 Inches Per Year! “Nothing a good earthquake can’t fix,,” California Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi assures her ...

  Fake News Reports! I didn’t go to any New Year’s Eve parties.    I can sit around with people looking at their phones at home. ********** I see No Time To Die is trending. How can it be called No Time To Die when James Bond finds the time to die at the end? ********** Harry Potter Cast Reunites After 20 Years In HBO’s Return To Hogwarts Special! Unsurprisingly, without JK Rowling writing their lines, they have nothing interesting to say. ********** The Miley Cyrus-Pete Davidson New Year’s Eve Special FLOPS On NBC!    “That Pete Davidson’s the kiss of death,” the former Hannah Montana complains, “and STDs.” ********** Watching New Year’s Eve Live: Nashville’s Big Bash , I couldn’t help but notice that the white country group Lady Antebellum succeeded in stealing the name of the black female blues singer Lady A. ********** The Wall Street Journal Wants You To Meet The Children Whose Parents Named Them After Characters In The Harry Potter Series! Uh… maybe you...

Taylor Streit's Christmas Carol “Where ya going, Streit? It’s Christmas! Don’t tell me you’ll be spending it fishing? You can do that any ol' day of the year. You should be in church, my friend.”      “Bah! Halibut!” Streit answered. “Fishing  is  my church,” and he went on his way, the whole exchange reminding him of a similar conversation he had decades earlier when he was but a wee laddie. The widow Kravitz, busybody that she was, had spied him walking jauntily one Sunday with a fishing rod in one hand and a jar of tadpoles in the other.      “Streit!” she chastised. “Don’t you know better than to go fishing on the Lord’s day?”      “I’m not going fishing,” he answered back politely. “I’m going home.”            Meanwhile, when the grown Streit got to his favorite fishing spot, he was shocked to find his uncle there waiting for him.       Because his uncle had died YEARS ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine Just before dawn the next morning, I was making my beautiful wife a cup of coffee. I had on my baseball cap with a light in front that I use for hiking. The shutters were closed. All the lights in the house were off. Only the small bulb on my cap was on. In my mind, the theme to Mission: Impossible was playing.      Yeah, I know I sound like a nut.      For no other reason than I had a feeling, I peeked outside and saw my father peeking back. He was looking out his front door, squinty eyes squinting.      His front door is actually a back door. He lives in a little in-law house just in front of our main house, so his front door actually faces backward to the french doors that lead into our kitchen. Sometimes he’ll sleep there, and sometimes he’ll sleep in a bedroom we have for him in the main house, depending on how annoyed he is at me, I guess. It's not as confusing as I’...