American Chimpanzee

Well, it's getting to be that time of year.       Fall.       Called that because of how leaves fall from the trees.      That reminds me of a naughty joke.       An old man is raking leaves with his grandson when they see an earthworm crawling out of its hole.       "I bet you five dollars you can't put that worm back into its hole," the grandfather says.       The boy thinks about it, then run into the house and comes back with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it's as stiff as a nail and, sure enough, sticks the worm back into its hole.       "Well, I'll be darned," the old man says and pays the boy five dollars.       He takes the can of hair spray.       "I'll be back," he says, and goes into the house.       Thirty minutes late he comes back and hands the little boy another fiv...

Travis Kelce is an old football buddy of mine. Before her engagement to him, I was listening to a news report about Taylor Swift's boyfriend  du jour , Mr. Insert Name Here. In it, the reporter mentioned some of her former boyfriends. John Mayer. Harry Styles. Osama bin Laden. That last relationship, however, was tragically cut short by SEAL Team Six.  Why Taylor Swift's love life qualifies as news is beyond me, but I did smile in recognition when they mentioned she once dated Conor, the oldest of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Mary Kennedy's four children. You see, in prep school I was his tutor. Sadly, I was never able to teach him how to properly spell the name "Connor." They were seen everywhere kissing, cuddling, and kissing some more. She was so in love with him that she spent $4.9 million to buy the 1928 beachfront mansion in front of the Kennedy compound in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts just so she could be closer to her heart's one true love and the rest of ...

In case you're wondering where my buddy Slim got his nickname, I gave it to him back when we first started working together. I took it (sort of) from the character Leo  Gorcey played in  The Bowery Boys  movie series from the 40s and 50s.       Before   ​his  father passed away (“Smell The Fudge” 8-18-2025), my older and much less attractive brother sent me a music video.        When Did I Get Old?  by Derrick Dove.       That sent me down a rabbit hole of songs about getting older that did an excellent job of depressing me. Songs like  It Was A Very Good Year  by Frank Sinatra.  Like A Rock  by Bob Seger.  Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini  by Brian Hyland.       I was already feeling down, so it was the wrong time for my buddy to call with a sad story. He asked me how I was doing ​ but it was obvious he  wanted to talk. Wh...

Despite the number of readers who have suggested I change the name and content of this column to Pit Bull Facts , I’ve decided to disappoint them and make this the final colum n  on the subject , and not just because Chuck Norris convinced me  with a few roundhouse kicks to the head that  it would be in my best interes t , so, like PETA  in their lawsuit to me , I would ask that you cease and desist sending me these fully bogus, yet utterly humorous, pit bull factoids , while, at the same time, marveling at my ability to write this extremely long sentence .        P it bulls everywhere  will be disappointed to lose  t heir  fifteen minutes in the sun, but  let me placate them with the following joke:       A  b urglar  br e aks  into a house. While   searching  f or something valuable  he hear s  a voice in the darkness .        "Jesus is watching you , " ...

And even MORE pit bull facts have come in, hence this third column.       It was interesting to see the direction some of them took, delving into physics. And time & space. Even history.       These are my favorite kinds of columns.      The ones that write themselves. There were no Pit Bulls prior to the 1941 Roswell, New Mexico UFO crash.  When you lose a sock doing laundry, you didn't lose it. A Pit Bull hid it from you.  Under no circumstances should you ever give a Pit Bull your password or P.I.N. number.  When you can't find your car keys, it's because a Pit Bull's just messing with you.  When you're sleeping, a Pit Bull is taking your car for a joyride.  Who was on the grassy knoll when President Kennedy was shot? A Pit Bull.  To win World War Two we didn't drop atomic bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. We dropped Pit Bulls.  The first dog we sent into space was a Pit Bull... and he d...

My buddy Maloney retired a couple of years before I did. We lost touch those two years, but reacquainted our friendship when his father died. At the funeral, I told him he should take the flower bouquet from the top of his father's casket and throw it into the mostly older audience like a bride at her wedding to see who's next. My wife was quick to remind me that I'm not as funny as I think I am. Having an aggressive form of Stage Four cancer, his father knew he was not long for this world, so I asked my buddy if his father-who had been a General in the Army and used to handing out grand proclamations-if he had any last words. Maloney laughed. "He said, 'If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.'" I laughed, too. Who knew his father was a Laurel & Hardy fan? Yes, he certainly knew how to put the "fun" in funeral. Looking around, I couldn't help but notice Maloney's monster-in-law wasn't there. You know all...

I can't tell you how happy I was that people got the joke.      Even PETA, who's not known for its sense of humor, reached out a friendly hand via lawsuit, the only known way they communicate, to express their appreciation concerning my effort to satirize animal stereotypes.      I rescued my pit bull from the local pound. He had been found abandoned in the desert. Thirsty. Hungry. Scared. Wearing a collar way too tight for him. No chip. Scars here and there.      "Who's going to adopt this poor guy? I wondered.      PT Barnum was famously quoted as saying, "There's a sucker born every minute," and, by adopting him, I proved I was born at the one minute mark.      Now, I can either shake my fist at the sky about how pit bulls are misunderstood or I could write something showing how ridiculous those misunderstandings are.      With  Pit Bull Facts  (8-8-25), I chose the later.   ...