American Chimpanzee

Employer Mandates   Now that you know what you as an individual have to do, what about you as an employer/business owner?      Let me tell you about a cousin I have who owns a business. I'd tell you the name of his company, but what's in it for me? This cousin recently told me in private that no president has been as unfriendly to small businesses than Obama. When he wakes up from being knocked into next Tuesday, maybe he'll be less inclined to criticize the man who once saved my life in 'Nam.      Since I don't own a business myself, and my cousin who did was otherwise comatose, I thought I'd go straight to the man himself for some honest answers.      Obama didn't know.      "Have you seen the bill?" he asked, yelling at me as if I was a Republican. "It's HUGE! Almost two THOUSAND pages long! Ain't nobody got time for that! Go ask Pelosi."   ...

Editor's note: There are many opinions about President Barack Obama's Affordable Care Act--aka ObamaCare.      "It stinks," is one.      "It sucks," is another.      "Where's my free cheese?" made its way in there somehow.      But it's heartening that all sides--Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives, Abercrombie and Fitch-- agree on one thing: It sure makes those Tea Party guys MAD!      But, trust me, they won't be so mad once they read this Q&A, where I've hunted down the answers to your stupidest questions. I know, I know, your mama always told you that there is no such thing as a stupid question...      Well, your mama was wrong.        Q: I'm on Medicare. Do I have to buy something?      A: No. The way ObamaCare works is simple, just ask the Head Hookah of the Supreme Court, John Robe...

When President Obama calls, I jump. It's the least I can do for the man who once saved my life in 'Nam. Sometimes I jump even when it's his Attorney General who calls. When the AG calls, I know BO is the man behind the curtain.      "This is Eric Holder. I'm calling for President Obama, at his request."      I don't know why the AG was trying to sound so formal. The last time I saw him was when Johnny Ola took me and some loser named Fredo to see the future AG's special nightclub act in Cuba. After seeing Eric's act, I immediately got on the red phone and called the President.      "Hey, 'Bama," I told him, "have I got an attorney general for you. "      To Eric Holder, whom I was currently pretending to be listening to on the phone, I said: "Yes, I understand. I'm listening."      "You owe the President a service. He has no doubt that you will...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      My wife of 50 years told me that a longtime friend has called her twice trying to have phone sex. I EXPLODED!      She told me not to say anything because it would ruin our friendship with this couple. I called him on the phone and confronted him anyway and told him he disrespected my wife, me, his wife, women in general, and all of humanity in particular. He did not deny what he had done. Instead he asked me what I was wearing.      Frankly, I don't blame him too much. I had sex with his wife of fifty years about five years ago, and she was pretty lame. Still, as far as I'm concerned, he totally crossed Obama's red line, and I consider our friendship over.      My wife, however, continues to take his phone calls.      What do you think?      --Mad Dear Mad, You've all been...

The city of El Paso has found itself in a legal tug-of-war with Stephanie Townsend Allala, a local (don't hold it against her) attorney who is trying to force current and former city officials to make public emails from their personal internet accounts, which reminds me of an old joke: Why doesn't the Mafia like Jehovah Witnesses? Because they don't like ANY witnesses!      It amazes me that politicians in this day and age continue to leave evidence of their incredible lack of judgement and occasional criminal activity. Nixon with his White House tapes, Clinton with Monica Lewinski's blue dress, and Anthony Weiner with pictures of his, um, wiener.      State Attorney General Greg Abbott has already ruled that these emails, as they are related to city business (up to and including the controversial Downtown baseball stadium), were written using electronic mail, a type of future technology, and, therefore, aren't subject to the laws...

Hard Core Advise From Hard Core's Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      Last year, my husband and I attended my cousin's annual summer barbecue. After we arrived, I looked for a place to tie up our dog in the backyard and noticed a few dead rats. They appeared to have been there for some time. I made mention of this to my cousin's husband, but he made no attempt to remove them even though they were only a few steps away from the barbecue pit. That was pretty gross.      I tied my dog several feet away from the dead rats. Later, when we returned home, our dog started scratching. This continued for several days until we noticed his fur falling out. I believe he contracted mange from the dead rats.      We've been invited to their "last nice weather barbecue," but I am reluctant to go. My husband says we should go regardless, but I feel that if they don't care to get rid of the dead rats in their backyard, they sho...

Today's Birthday (9-18-13): Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus.   Special Birthday Message: Nothing can stop you now! Except, maybe, that STD. Aries (March 21-April 19): If you want that raise, TODAY would be a good day to sleep with your boss. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Don't worry about that rash on your como-se-llama . It's probably nothing. Gemini (May 21-June 20): The stars are in agreement! Better hurry and get that abortion! Cancer (June 21-July 22): If he believes you when you tell him you love him, he'll believe you when you tell him he's the father. Leo (July 23-August 22): Don't worry about failing your class. Your professor is a horndog. Virgo (August 23-September 22): don't, Don't, DON'T release your sex tape on the internet. You'll make WAY more money through blackmail. Libra (September 23-October 22): That person you've had your ey...