American Chimpanzee

A new priest arrived at the Vatican and was put in charge of the elderly priests who had spent their entire lives copying the Bible. He couldn't help but notices that they were copying by hand copies of the Bible that had already been copied by hand, and reasoned that this had probably gone on since the time of Christ.       He immediately requested an audience with Pope Francis, and, when it was granted, he told the Vicar of Christ, "Forgive me, Holy Father, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying somebody else's mistakes?"       The head of the Roman Catholic Church considered what he was told, and answered, "You make a good point, my son. I will take one of these new copies down to my personal office and study it against the original document."       And he did exactly that. ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   This should be an especially happy Thanksgiving for me. I plan on spending it celebrating my winning the presidency of the United States of America.      "What do you mean?" I can hear you saying. "We haven't seen you campaigning! We haven't seen you fund raising! We haven't even seen you on the debates! And why are we using so many exclamation points!"      Please.      That stuff's for the 99%.      As for paying for my historic run for office, I'm self-funding.      "How?" you ask.      It was easy.      I created a green energy car manufacturing company called Fisher Automotive, a beneficiary of President Obama's green energy loan guarantee program, which subsidized my company to the snap, crackle, pop of $529 million in green stimu...

Linus was heartbroken.      He had waited the entire night in his pumpkin patch, but the Great Pumpkin never showed up. All because Linus had, in a moment of weakness, shown doubt that the Great Pumpkin would appear to him that Halloween Eve.      "Good grief!" he cried out, when he realized his mistake. "I said 'if''. I meant, ' when ' he comes."      But it was too late. He was doomed. One little slip like that could cause the Great Pumpkin to pass you by, and it appeared that was exactly what had happened.      "Oh, Great Pumpkin," Linus cried out into the darkness, "where are you?"      Wait a minute...      You don't know who the Great Pumpkin is?      Well...      On Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the child...

Birkenstock Sandals in the Sand by Hillary Rodham Clinton   One night I had a dream.      I dreamt I was walking along the beach and God was tagging along.      Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed there were two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to me and the other to the Lord.     When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints. I couldn't help but noticed that a lot of the time there was only one set of footprints. Sad to say, but this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life, like when Bill would leave to judge the Miss Arkansas pageant or train the interns without me.     This really chapped my hide, so I confronted God about it.      "Lord," I told Him, "You promised me that once I decided to follow You,...

1) "My heart? I had that surgically removed years ago."   2) "Come with me outside so I can show you my tazer."   3) "What are you, a lesbian? You are? That's okay. My penis is so small it will be like you're making love to a woman anyway.   4) "One thing I would never do is force myself on somebody. That's what Rohypnol is for."   5) "You must be some kind of radiation, because I'm getting an abnormal growth in my pants."   6) "Me? No, I wouldn't hurt a fly. My bodyguards on the other hand..."   7) "But enough about me... Hey! Wake up!"   8) "You know, my mother never loved me."   9) "I hate women. You seem okay, though."   10) "You've heard of Clinton's Don't Ask/Don't Tell? Let me tell you about Donald Trump's Don't Ask/Don't Tell/And I Won't Have To Shoot You In The Head."     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpo...

1) "You know what would look good on you? ME!"    2) "Sure that pick-up line is old, but so am I."   3) "Scream all you want. I've had this room sound-proofed."   4) "It would cost a lot to make you 'disappear,' but it would be worth it."   5) "I'm going to f*ck you in ways you can never imagine. Turn me down, and I'll start with your credit."   6) "It's okay that you're a pig. I'll be thinking about Sarah Palin anyway."   7)  "Don't worry about my bodyguards. They get paid not to see."   8) "Yeah, well, I'M Donald Trump! How about YOU buy ME a drink?"   9) "You ever seen a solid-gold dildo?"   10) "Your mouth says 'no,' but your lips say 'I want a lollipop.'"     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

It was an hour before dawn in the Grand Kremlin Palace in Moscow, the official residence of the Russian President. On his computer in his private office, while others were still deep in sleep, dreaming their communist dreams of stabbing each other in the back, Vladimir Putin was hard at work hacking into Hillary Clinton's campaign email account, much like he did with her unsecured private server when she was Secretary of State.      "So, Comrade," the sultry voice of Anastasia Steelinski caressed the darkness, "it  is true, you  are rigging the American presidential election. I find that... incredibly sexy."      "Madam Comrade," Putin said, coiled and ready to strike. You could say his blood turned cold, but that would be redundant.      Then he got up from his chair and moved toward her, his arms and legs slithering through the shadows, like a snake discovering an unguarded clutch of eggs. When he stopped, he was so close to ...