American Chimpanzee

When I told my doctor I owed him my life, he said, "I prefer cash."   The way people see you... ...is probably the way you are.   RIP Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner Heaven: Here are your 72 virgins. Hugh Hefner: So few?   I'm not saying Hugh Hefner was old, but he published his first issue of Playboy ON A ROCK!   When you die, what if going toward the light is a trick?   North Korea, your people are starving! Don't you know how much food the cost of ONE nuke would buy? "Enough for lunch?" the well-fed Kim Jong-un asks.   Bon Jovi! Nominated For Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame! How rock & roll can he be if he's photographed drinking champagne with Hillary Clinton?   How many millions of dollars in tax revenue did the U.S. government lose by putting Tommy Chong in jail for selling a bong?   People criticized Tim Tebow for taking a knee to honor his God, but support the athletes who take a knee to dishonor...

Confessions of a Potted Plant   Ho-hum... another day.       It’s pretty boring being a potted plant. Nothing exciting ever happens.       Hey, here comes my owner, Harvey Weinstein. He just bought me and gave me a home.       He seems like a nice man.       That’s a very pretty girl he’s with. I wonder why she’s crying?       Oh, goodie! He’s walking over to me! He must be wanting to show me off to her. We potted plants are known for our calming abilities.       Now he’s standing over me. Hmm, a bit too close. That's making me feel uncomfortable.       Um, excuse me, Mr. Weinstein, can you take a step back and respect my personal space, please?       Hey!       What are you doing?       Put that thing away! ...

  by Robert Moore Ex-Editor of the El Paso Times and Former Double-0 Agent     Well, the Times ( funny pun) has come.      After much thought ( and many drinks) , the editorial staff has decided ( been ordered)  to change the look of this newspaper's ( boring) appearance, and give it it's first ( What?) major overhaul in over four presidential ( Go Hillary!) elections ( Vote DNC) .  You'll see these changes take place over the course of the next few weeks ( or whenever we get around to it) , and we hope  ( pray) you'll enjoy ( buy) our newspaper's new ( gimmick) design.      This redesign will also incorporate  ( as opposed to outcoporate)  a new reporting feature I ( Yay, me!) like to call "Subliminal Reporting," an idea I  ( want a raise)  thought up while reading the fine print of the contract of my ( newspaper editors are sexy) recent purchase...

    When I found out that our fearless leader and former Chippendale dancer, Robert "Call Me MISTER!" Moore, announced he was leaving the newspaper business in general and the El Paso Times in particular, I must admit I was a bit miffed. You see, I found out about it like the rest of the rubes at the carny.      How could he be leaving so soon?      Why, it seems like only yesterday he was brought up on those indecency charges.      And how could he be leaving without letting me know? I thought we were friends. Maybe even more than friends, especially after that drunken weekend we spent at John Travolta's beach house celebrating Tom Cruise's birthday, where... well, let's just say that you're not allowed to ask and I don't have to tell. Though I will say this: if Richard Gere ever wants to show you his disappearing gerbil trick, just say no.      So I went to Bob's favori...

sing to the tune of "Ruby (Don't Take Your Love To Town)" by Mel Tillis      Beverly (Watch Out for Pennywise)       You've laced up both your sneakers and you've ponytailed your hair. Bev, are you contemplating going out somewhere? The shadows on the wall grow long as daylight slowly dies. Oh, Beverly... watch out for Pennywise.     Why are the children dying in this scary Derry town? And have you seen that creepy thing that's living underground? It's been said it comes to feed each 27th year, Oh, Beverly... everybody floats down here.     It's hard to be suspicious of a funny painted face, And the trust of a boy reaching for his lost toy led to a cold, wet place. Some have whispered when he screamed for help, the town ignored his cries. Oh, Beverly... watch out for Pennywise.     You're leaving now 'cause I can hear you ...

This Just In! A Tattoo Will Get OLD... ...just like YOU!   Meanwhile...   Weird News! Apple Fanatic Can't Wait To Get His Hands On An iPhone X! "I hear it's already obsolete!" he gushes.   Weird News! Astronomers Discover A Pitch Black Planet! How did they see it? "We didn't. It's pitch black."   Weird News! Florida Sheriff Warned Public To NOT Shoot At Hurricane Irma! "I don't CARE if you saw it on 'Sharknado!'"   Weird News! David Meade: World Will End... TOMORROW! "Nibiru, aka Planet X, will CRASH into Earth September 23," he predicts. "Send $."   Weird News! Woman Screens Potential Boyfriends With VERY Personal Application Form! "I haven't had a date since 1983," she admits.   Weird News! Playboy Playmate Katie Price Reveals The Single Most Disgusting Thing She Did At The Playboy Mansion! "Housework."   Weird News! ...

Man who "screwed over" woman regretting it a year later due to her simple prank. "I poisoned his dog."   Fitness expert reveals what he would order at YOUR favorite fast food restaurant. "Vomit. Might as well eliminate the middle-man."   Man says bright light hovering in night sky is a UFO from another planet. "But what do I know? I'm nuts."   Women could earn extra cash providing the voice for "sex robots," but, unfortunately, these robots won't be saying, "Not tonight. I have a headache."   Huge hermit crab shell looks exactly like terrifying "Toy Story" character... Randy Newman!   Driver certain she backed over and killed family dog, until she gets out to check. "Thank God it was just my husband."   Guard's hand "burned by ghosts" at jail where the Krays were held. "They warned me the burner on the stove was haunted, but I didn't believ...