American Chimpanzee

"A turkey's gotta do what a turkey's gotta do."     American Chimpanze e JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

This Just In! " Filthy, Disgusting President Trump's Approval Rating At Lowest Point Yet!" reports your typical news source.   This Just In! Selena Gomez! One Again! Agrees To Act As Justin Bieber's Beard!   This Just In! Republicans Once Again FAIL To Repeal ObamaCare! "It's not our fault," the whiney whiners whine. "We only control the House and Senate!"   It was my first Civil War reenactment. I didn't know you weren't supposed to use real ammunition.   This Just In! Mega Millions! Raises The Price Of A Ticket To TWO Dollars! "The poor play the Lotto, and we want to take as much money from them as we can."   Visiting Auschwitz, my family and I were deeply moved, but I don't know why everybody got so upset when we set down a blanket and had a picnic.   This Just In! Scientists Have Determined That Sheep Can Recognize Celebrity Faces! "Those sheeps are LIARS!" say...

The doctor said my tumor was the size of a pear, just not as tasty.   For Halloween, I bought TEN bags of candy. For myself. The trick-or-treaters can fend for themselves.   He's a terrible soldier but a heckuva nice guy. I don't have the heart to give him a dishonorable discharge, so send him to the front line.   Did you hear about the new Divorcee Barbie? You wind her up, and she leaves with half your stuff.   To be old and wise, you first have to be young and dumb. I'd say most of you have got this covered.   Janet Jackson says she'd GLADLY perform with Justin Timberlake at the Super Bowl if he were to ask. Don't beg, Janet. It's beneath you.   "Honey, I have a confession to make: I'm a werewolf." "Thank goodness! I thought you were having an affair."   Next Halloween, the sequel to IT will feature a female Pennywise. "When you go into the sewer, you're going to SHE-IT!"   ...

Holy crap!      I make it to bed just in time.      I can hear Christian letting himself in through our front door. I look at my Inner Goodness. She wipes her forehead with the back of her hand in the international sign of “Whew!”      "Whew!" indeed.      Hard to believe it was just a few hours ago that my beloved husband and I were getting ready for a masquerade ball given by our old friend Prince Prospero of Westeros. Christian was going as the Red Death from Edgar Allan Poe’s magnificent short story  Masque of the Red Death .      "A fiendishly  handsome Red Death," he told me.      Myself, I decided to go as a sexy Winnie the Pooh with my Christopher Robins hanging out. To make a long story short, I won't tell you how Pooh’s honey pot got stuck on my head. Let's just say that there wasn't any real honey on...

I'd like to thank Harvey Weinstein, because, next to him, I'm looking like a prince.      Just yesterday I called in to where I work and asked for the day off. When my boss told me to give him"one good reason I should give you the day off," I said, "Um... I'm not Harvey Weinstein?"      He thought about that.      "No, I guess you're not," he replied. "Okay, take the day off."      "With pay?"      "With pay."      Wow, what a break!      I wondered what else not being Harvey Weinstein would score for me, so I walked into a nearby bank, and asked for some cold, hard cash.      "Sir," the vice-president informed me, "we're not in the business of just handing out money to anyone who comes in off the street and asks for it."      "But you don't understand," I ...

When I told my doctor I owed him my life, he said, "I prefer cash."   The way people see you... ...is probably the way you are.   RIP Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner Heaven: Here are your 72 virgins. Hugh Hefner: So few?   I'm not saying Hugh Hefner was old, but he published his first issue of Playboy ON A ROCK!   When you die, what if going toward the light is a trick?   North Korea, your people are starving! Don't you know how much food the cost of ONE nuke would buy? "Enough for lunch?" the well-fed Kim Jong-un asks.   Bon Jovi! Nominated For Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame! How rock & roll can he be if he's photographed drinking champagne with Hillary Clinton?   How many millions of dollars in tax revenue did the U.S. government lose by putting Tommy Chong in jail for selling a bong?   People criticized Tim Tebow for taking a knee to honor his God, but support the athletes who take a knee to dishonor...

Confessions of a Potted Plant   Ho-hum... another day.       It’s pretty boring being a potted plant. Nothing exciting ever happens.       Hey, here comes my owner, Harvey Weinstein. He just bought me and gave me a home.       He seems like a nice man.       That’s a very pretty girl he’s with. I wonder why she’s crying?       Oh, goodie! He’s walking over to me! He must be wanting to show me off to her. We potted plants are known for our calming abilities.       Now he’s standing over me. Hmm, a bit too close. That's making me feel uncomfortable.       Um, excuse me, Mr. Weinstein, can you take a step back and respect my personal space, please?       Hey!       What are you doing?       Put that thing away! ...