American Chimpanzee

Success 101: An ounce of gold cannot buy a second of time.   Things That Make Me Go Hmm... Why aren't there any FAT vampires?   Daffynitions Economist: Someone who doesn't have the personality to be an accountant.   A galss of wine at night may decrease the risk of heart attacks, but it INCRREASES the risk of pregnancy.   I may look like a frog, but I'm really an enchanted prince. You can break the spell... ...by giving me your credit card number.   Daffynitions Sports Fan: Someone who yells at an athlete for being an idiot, and then can't find his own car in the parking lot after the game.   I've eaten so much I can't move. Not that I planned to.   Things That Make Me Go Hmm... You know what I never see? I never see a fat guy who's old.   The Good Old Days A time when my hair had more body, and my body had less hair.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFat...

Corner Bakery Café motto: "Feed The Day". Why would I want to feed the day when I'M the one who's hungry?   Men reach old age before they reach maturity.   I'm going to the store for a few things. I'll be back in about two hundred dollars.   Fake News Reports! Black Lives MATTER! Except in Chicago.   Did you hear about the new economy car? It comes with an airbag you have to blow up yourself.   Fake News Reports! Stuttering John UPSET That Howard Stern Is Releasing A New Book TWO WEEKS Before His! Don't worry, John. Your book wasn't going to sell any copies anyway.   Smokey Bear Says: "Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires." That's a lot of responsibility for just one person.   Fake News Reports! Aretha Franklin! DEAD! Sadly, there's a lot of that going around.   Success 101 Hard work without talent is a shame, but talent without hard work is a tragedy.   The best time to be...

It's so windy I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice!   I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but when she has a bad-hair day... the hair is on her face!   My ex is like an open book... with most of the pages missing.    When Rush Limbo tell me how safe nuclear power plants are, I like to remind him, "Yeah, the plants are safe, but what about the people ?"   Fake News Reports! In her interview with Jeanine Piro on The View, Whoopi Goldberg vehemently DENIES suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome by becoming vehementally deranged!   I'm not saying my ex overdoes things, but who wood-fires a Pop-Tart?   Fake News Reports! What the fudge, Trump? With all this Russia nonsense, drop the bomb already. On Hollywood!   I'm FOR what works. I'm AGAINST what doesn't work. When did the Politically Correct declare THAT a crime against humanity?   That cloud looks like a dog. That cloud looks like a pony...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   There’s an old joke:     An elderly man with a hearing problem suddenly lost his hearing completely, so he immediately went to his doctor. After many failed attempts at communication, the doctor finally looked in the old man’s ear and discovered the problem. He asked his nurse for some forceps, and then used them to extract a suppository from the old man’s ear canal.     “Here’s the trouble,” the doctor told him, showing it to him.     “Oh, my goodness,” the old man replied. “What the heck did I do with my hearing aid?”     I told you last month that my father uses a hearing aid, sometimes to what he thinks is his advantage, but I've never told you how I found out.     Back when my beloved mother was still alive, I used to go over and join them for breakfast on Saturday mornings. My mother was an old-s...

Life is a highway. Mondays are the potholes.   Fake News Wonders... How far can a plane fly if BOTH its engines fail? All the way to the ground.   Fake News Reports! After recent escapes in various facilities holding the separated children of illegal aliens, the CBP is eliminating certain outdoor sporting activities, such as team pole vaulting.   Fake News Reports! 57-Year-Old George Clooney! CRASHES! His SCOOTER! You're rich, George. What are you doing riding a scooter?   Fake News Reports! 57-Year-Old George Clooney Crashes His Scooter! The other driver involved was heard to mutter: "THAT'S for Ocean's Thirteen!"     Fake News Reports! 57-Year-Old George Clooney Crashes His Scooter! I've seen the footage. It's the best thing Clooney has done in years.   Fake News Reports! 23 People In A Tour Boat Bombarded By A Lava Bomb! From Hawaii's Kilauea Volcano! You know, I rememb...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core... John Leslie! Dear John,      I'm worried about a close friend I have known for about ten years. She's well-educated, independent, and family-oriented. She has been online dating for quite a while and continually meets guys who have criminal backgrounds.      She dated one of them on the down low for two years because she was embarrassed by how he behaved in public. The most recent man served a 16-year prison sentence for being involved in a murder.      She tells me she doesn't see a future with any of them, but goes on multiple dates and defends them with, "He seems like a nice guy." In the next breath, she'll claim to want a meaningful relationship.      I have voiced my concerns. I asked her what she'd say to me if the tables were turned, and her responses mimic the concern I show her. I suggested she try a different website or mode o...

When Jesus was on the road to Canaan, He came upon a man who was weeping.      "Why do you weep, my son?" Jesus asked him.      "Because I am blind," the man told him, so Jesus touched him and he could see.      Further down the road, Jesus came upon another man who was weeping.      "And why do you weep, my son?" Jesus again asked.      "Because, my Lord, I have leprosy," the man explained, so Jesus touched HIM and he was healed.      Still further down the road, Jesus came upon a third man and he was weeping most bitterly of all.      "Tell me, my son," Jesus said softly, "why do YOU weep?"      "Because," the man answered, "Donald Trump's been elected president."      And so Jesus sat by him and they BOTH wept together.      Thus sayeth the Lord.     American Chi...