American Chimpanzee

Success 101 You'll know you're successful the first time you hear someone brag that they knew you in high school.   Save The Whales! Unless they taste good.   Daffynitions! Expert: A person who may not have all the answers, but is sure he could get them with the proper funding.   I'm at an age where lunch tires me out.   Fake News Reports! Colin Kaepernick Is The New Face Of Nike! Congratulations, Nike. You've just re-elected President Trump.   Fake News Reports! Pastor Charles H. Ellis III GROPES Ariana Grande At Aretha Franklin's Funerals On LIVE TV! And what did her fiancé Pete Davidson do? Nothing. He was too busy hiding behind Ann Coulter's mini-skirt.   My first marriage was like my ex at the gym... It just didn't work out.   Fake News Reports! Serena Williams LOSES Open Final In Controversial Match! Accuses Chair Umpire Of Being Sexist! "That's COMPLETELY untrue," the chair ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com     Lest you think I consider my father a burden, I don't.     It's just if all I wrote about were unicorns and rainbows, both you and I would be bored. Besides, I find everything my father does incredibly entertaining. Maybe not at the time, but, you know, when I look back. Now I understand the saying, "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you." I'm not laughing at my father, because I'm just like him. I'm laughing with him, because I can see what the future has in store for me.     Old age takes pity on no one.     One of the reasons we bought this particular house is because it had a small guest house in the front where we knew my father could live and have his privacy. It was a way for him to keep his independence, yet let us keep an eye on him at the same time. In his home away from home he has his own TV with its own satellite sign...

Success 101: An ounce of gold cannot buy a second of time.   Things That Make Me Go Hmm... Why aren't there any FAT vampires?   Daffynitions Economist: Someone who doesn't have the personality to be an accountant.   A galss of wine at night may decrease the risk of heart attacks, but it INCRREASES the risk of pregnancy.   I may look like a frog, but I'm really an enchanted prince. You can break the spell... ...by giving me your credit card number.   Daffynitions Sports Fan: Someone who yells at an athlete for being an idiot, and then can't find his own car in the parking lot after the game.   I've eaten so much I can't move. Not that I planned to.   Things That Make Me Go Hmm... You know what I never see? I never see a fat guy who's old.   The Good Old Days A time when my hair had more body, and my body had less hair.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFat...

Corner Bakery Café motto: "Feed The Day". Why would I want to feed the day when I'M the one who's hungry?   Men reach old age before they reach maturity.   I'm going to the store for a few things. I'll be back in about two hundred dollars.   Fake News Reports! Black Lives MATTER! Except in Chicago.   Did you hear about the new economy car? It comes with an airbag you have to blow up yourself.   Fake News Reports! Stuttering John UPSET That Howard Stern Is Releasing A New Book TWO WEEKS Before His! Don't worry, John. Your book wasn't going to sell any copies anyway.   Smokey Bear Says: "Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires." That's a lot of responsibility for just one person.   Fake News Reports! Aretha Franklin! DEAD! Sadly, there's a lot of that going around.   Success 101 Hard work without talent is a shame, but talent without hard work is a tragedy.   The best time to be...

It's so windy I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice!   I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but when she has a bad-hair day... the hair is on her face!   My ex is like an open book... with most of the pages missing.    When Rush Limbo tell me how safe nuclear power plants are, I like to remind him, "Yeah, the plants are safe, but what about the people ?"   Fake News Reports! In her interview with Jeanine Piro on The View, Whoopi Goldberg vehemently DENIES suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome by becoming vehementally deranged!   I'm not saying my ex overdoes things, but who wood-fires a Pop-Tart?   Fake News Reports! What the fudge, Trump? With all this Russia nonsense, drop the bomb already. On Hollywood!   I'm FOR what works. I'm AGAINST what doesn't work. When did the Politically Correct declare THAT a crime against humanity?   That cloud looks like a dog. That cloud looks like a pony...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine desertexposure.com   There’s an old joke:     An elderly man with a hearing problem suddenly lost his hearing completely, so he immediately went to his doctor. After many failed attempts at communication, the doctor finally looked in the old man’s ear and discovered the problem. He asked his nurse for some forceps, and then used them to extract a suppository from the old man’s ear canal.     “Here’s the trouble,” the doctor told him, showing it to him.     “Oh, my goodness,” the old man replied. “What the heck did I do with my hearing aid?”     I told you last month that my father uses a hearing aid, sometimes to what he thinks is his advantage, but I've never told you how I found out.     Back when my beloved mother was still alive, I used to go over and join them for breakfast on Saturday mornings. My mother was an old-s...