American Chimpanzee

I'm not materialistic. You can get me anything you want for my birthday. As long as you wrap it in cash.   Nice try, people named Tristan... ...or should I say: Stan, Stan, Stan!   Sometimes my jokes are just for me.   A Fake News report you never see: "Psychic Wins Lottery!"   "No, those clothes don't make you look fat," I used to tell my ex. "You ALREADY look that way."   Money doesn't buy happiness... ...but it DOES provide for a more comfortable despair.   I think it's wrong that only ONE company makes the game of Monopoly.   "Two can play at THAT game," says the guy who's confused about how to play solitaire.   "Lucy. In the sky. With diamonds." --John Lennon aka The World's WORST Clue player.   I was playing chess with a friend. We decided to make it MORE interesting... ...so we stopped playing chess.   I'm the WORLD CHAMPION Trivial Pursuit playe...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core... John Leslie!   Dear John,      I am in my 80s.      From time to time, when I have tried to contact a dear friend or distant relative, I find that they have recently passed away.      Don't you think it would be a good idea for older people to make a short list of people we want contacted in case of a serious illness or death?      So many times our survivors have no idea who some of our friends are or how to contact them.      --Caring   Dear Caring, I 've seen their lists, and you weren't on them.     Dear John,      I have been married to a loving and supportive man for 15 years. We have been through a lot together and, for the most part, have been OK. My problem is my son, "Kyle."      Yes, I know Kyle is a liar, and, yes, he needs help for his dr...

President Obama (about business owners): "You didn't do that!" President Trump (about President Trump's accomplishments): "I did that!"   Before you say something that will hurt another person's feelings, first think about it, then think about it again... ...then don't.   Oh, look! ANOTHER glorious Monday! ...makes me sick.   Fake News Reports! Harvey Weinstein Presents! Trumpenstein Versus The Obamonster ! WHO will win on Election Tuesday?   I'm not saying my ex is fat, but, when she loss ten pounds, it was like cutting the tail off a cow.   "Here you go, sir. A double scoop of Ben & Jerry's Pecan Resist ice cream, which honors Democrats' most cherish principles." Great! So the American Taxpayer will be paying for it?   The Sierra Blanca Border Patrol checkpoint. If their intention is to back up freeway traffic on I-10 East for half and hour, then they're doing a good job. ...

Santa should spread his deliveries out over the course of a year. Doing it all in one night is a classic example of bad management.   Each year I have a bigger Christmas tree than the year before. That's the best thing about having a dirt floor.   Who said: "Ask, that ye shall receive."? I'm guessing Santa Claus.   I'm not materialistic. You can get me anything you want for Christmas... ...as long as you wrap it in cash.     American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene  

Hammer Films Presents! Zombie McCain! "When there is no more room in Hell... John McCain will walk the earth!"   Just in time for Halloween! Hammer Films Presents! Dracula Vs The Monster! Starring John McCain as the fey political bloodsucker and Ron Jeremy as the foul-smelling Dr. Crapenstein!   Fake News Reports! John McCain Comes Back From The Dead! MURDERS Dennis Hoff! "My 'little soldier' hasn't saluted since Viet Nam," he admitted to Ron Jeremy. "If I'M not getting any, NOBODY'S getting any!"   Fake News Reports! John McCain GOBBLES Ron Jeremy's Goblin! Swears him to secrecy! "Wouldn't you rather have one of the Bunny Ranch's prostitutes?" the geriatric porn star offers. "Gimme dat goblin!" McCain insists.   Fake News Reports! Zombie John McCain EATS The Newly Dead Dennis Hoff! "I'm having a ball," he says. "That's because you'...

Back in  the day, writers used to be paid by the word, that’s why our classics are so looong. And, in addition to that, what else was there to do? You could spend six hours enjoying an opera, and not feel it’s gone on five hours too long, much like the fans at a baseball game.      You can’t tell me Edgar Allan Poe’s classic poem The Raven doesn’t ramble far longer than it should. I don’t know what seems longer, reading The Raven or suffering through one of my mother-in-law’s visits.      At any rate, that’s why I rewrote it for today’s audience.      An audience whose time and attention span is limited.   The Raven Once upon a midnight dreary, My eyes bloodshot, my vision bleary, Something knock-knock-knocked at my chamber door. Feeling, I, a wee bit drunky, Hadn’t bathed, smelling funky, So whomever was there I decided to ignore. Yet there it waited, a stately raven, An ebony bird in search of haven, Thu...

Fake News Reports! Daniel Frisiello Pleads GUILTY To Sending President Trump's Sons Threatening Letters With A White Powder Enclosed! "Mental note: Next time, DON'T include my return address."   Fake News Reports! Democrats Say The Migrant Caravan Should Be Let Into Our Country! And they can stay with THEM? "Are you out of your FRAKKING mind?"   Fake News Reports! Rihanna Announces She WILL NOT Perform At The Super Bowl! "As it turns out," she says, "you have to be asked to do those kinds of things."   Fake News Reports! Amy Shumer Announces She WILL NOT Be Starring In Any Of This Year's Super Bowl Commercials! Has she been asked? "What does THAT have to do with anything?" she said, trying to restart her career.   "When I said to be uncivil... I didn't mean to ME!" --Hillary Clinton   "Hey, I said, 'If they bring a knife to a fight, WE bring a gun,' but I ...