American Chimpanzee

Fake News Reports!    Mariah Carey Makes Musical History With Number One Hits Spanning Four Separate Decades! In a related story, her weight also spans four decades.    John Boyega Confronts Fans Concerning A Controversial Plot Point In The New Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker Movie! "It takes place in outer space," he lets slip. Today (01-02-20), The World Remembers The Late, Great Isaac Asimov On His 100th Birthday! "Why are you remembering my birthday? I'm dead."    Experts Say That Going Back To Work After The Christmas/New Year's Holiday Is Hard For Some People To Cope With! I call those people losers.    I just survived ANOTHER New Year's Eve! I must have a pretty good Guardian Angel.    I slept all of New Year's Day away. So far, 2020's off to a good start.    Hong Kong Police Fires Tear Gas At New Year's Day Marchers! "Hey, you celebrate the way YOU want," a Chinese spokesman defended,...

Fake News Reports!    Chinese Foreign Ministry Denies Using Foreign Prisoners As Forced Labor In Qingpu Prison! "We graciously give ALL of our foreign 'guests' freedom of choice," a Chinese spokesman assured the world. "They can work or they can be tortured."    Presidential Wannabe Mike Bloomberg Caught Using Prison Labor To Make Campaign Calls! "Hey," the former New York City Mayor excused, "if it's good enough for the Chinese..."    After A Four-Day Hospital Stay For An Undisclosed "Pre-Existing" Condition, Prince Philip Was Discharged (No Pun Intended) By Doctors! "We're reasonably sure he's no longer contagious," a Buckingham Palace spokesman assured all underaged females.    Five Sentenced To Die In Saudi Arabia For The Murder Of Jamal Khashoggi! So you found the men guilty of that horrendous crime?  "What does 'guilt' have to do with anything?" sniffs Crown ...

Fake News Reports!    Buckingham Palace Reports That Prince Philip, The Duke Of Edinburgh, Has Been Admitted To The Hospital Over A "Pre-Existing" Condition! That's okay, Philip, herpes is nothing to be embarrassed about.    Adam Driver Walked Out Of An NPR Interview When Terry Gross Played A Clip Of Him In His Latest Movie! "I don't like to look at myself," the Star Wars actor explained. Now you know how the rest of us feel.    Aging Thespian Robert De Niro Says President Trump Should Get Hit In The Face With A Bag Of Excrement "Because He Needs To Be Humiliated." Getting old is no fun, kids.    Miley Cyrus Shares A Touching Holiday Message For Her Fans Who Are Feeling Lonely This Festive Season! "I'LL have sex with you. The line starts behind the dumpster."    Christmas Mass Has Been Cancelled At Notre Dame de Paris For The First And Only Time Since 1803! "It's not because of the fire that burnt down ...

Donald Trump Is So Smart    ...no one's ever had to tell him the saying "If at first you don't succeed..."!    ...he can lead a horse to water AND make it drink!    ...he never says "Who's your daddy?" He KNOWS the answer.    ...he's never had to read a book! He only has to hold the book in his John Henry-sized hands to absorb its contents.    ...speaking of books, he CAN judge a book by its cover!    ...he once stared ignorance in the face, and ignorance backed down!    ...when he goes to Las Vegas he doesn't count cards, he counts his winnings!    ...when you look up the word "smart" in the dictionary you'll find a photograph of Albert Einstein... ...POINTING at a picture of Donald Trump!    ...he's not politically correct! He's just correct.    ...when Descartes said "I think, therefore I am," he meant "I think, therefore I am......

Donald Trump Is So Smart    ...he's counted from one to infinity SEVENTEEN times!    ...he can beat you in a game of Connect Four with his first move!    ...he's got only one pair of chromosomes and they're BOTH smarter than you are!    ...when he left college his brain stayed behind to get an MBA!    ...when he leaves office America will no longer be a democracy, it will be a Trumpocracy!    ...if he had been alive two thousand years ago, Baby Jesus wouldn't have needed THREE Wisemen!    ...scientists have concluded that the energy emitted by a Black Hole is roughly one-tenth of his brain power!    ...he can play Russian roulette with a loaded gun and win!    ...he doesn't have to play God! Playing is for children.    ...that you can fool so e of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can never fool Donald...

In any conversation with my boss, he goes blah, blah, blah about nothing I care about, and, when he's done, I just agree.    Taking a nap. Or, as I like to call it, pressing life's "Pause" button.    I only ask you about your day so I can tell you about mine.    There are NO limits to what you can do. Lack of ability? That'll stop you every time.    I set up a camera in my house to see if my maid was stealing from me. You know what? She STOLE it!    Fake News Report! Did you know it was Ozzy Osbourne's birthday yesterday? Neither did Ozzy Osbourne.    This Just In! Paul McCartney & Rihanna Run Into Each Other While On A Plane! Sadly, neither one knew who the other one was.    Fake News Reports! Richard E. Grant Hefts A Heaping Helping Of Hurrahs On The New Star Wars Movie! That would mean more if I knew who Richard E. Grant was.    Fake News Reports! Penguin ...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine      “Only love can break your heart.” -- Neil Young    I had bad news for my father      His younger brother, whom I wrote about back in 2015, had lost his battle with cancer.      I went into my father’s bedroom. He was awake, just looking at the ceiling.      “Aren’t you going to get out of bed?” I asked.      “Can’t,” he said. “I’m dead.”      “What makes you think you’re dead?”      “Because I woke up and nothing hurts.”      That reminded me of how I first heard my uncle was sick. I was sitting by my father in the den, me on my laptop and him watching TV.      “What're you doing?” he wanted to know.      "Research,” I told him. “On Google."   ...