American Chimpanzee

  Fake News Reports! Easter's over. Why won't they leave? Life is full of meaning... but so's an eviction notice. When do the riots start? I need a new TV. If you melt dry ice, can you swim in it without getting wet? How can a family of 3 make 27 bags of garbage out of 6 bags of groceries? Do fish have necks? How many cans of chicken noodle soup does it take to use up one chicken? American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene  

Fake News Reports! The trick to being a romantic is knowing when to lie. Miami Beach Police Immediately Stand Down After Unruly Spring Breakers Ceverly Identify Themselves As  Antifa & Black Lives Matter! Fake News Media Blames Recent Rise In Asian Hate Crimes On Donald  Trump Because... "...that's just what we do." Funny how the Mexican border has opened up and the state of California still hasn't. What's "Dong. DING-Dong."? James Bond's doorbell. Sharon Osborne : “I’m asking you, can you tell me one thing Pierce Morgan has said that is racist?” Sheryl Underwood : “No.” CBS : “You’ve gone too far, Sharon. You’re FIRED!” If there are 20 million stories in the naked city, how come I can’t even get a paragraph started? Just because a relationship is doomed at the spiritual level, that doesn’t mean it can’t flourish at the financial level. I was having a great time, but then it turned into a bad time. I guess that averages out to a good time. I don’...

Hard Core Advice From Hard Core’s Hardest Core... John Leslie!    Dear John,      I have been happily married for over thirty years. Many years ago I found out by sheer happenstance that my wife is adopted. Concerned that she might not know about it, I contacted her parents. They both confirmed what I heard and said that my wife does indeed know about it.  I think it's odd that she never shared this particular bit of information with me. It wouldn't have changed our life together, but it bothers me nonetheless.  I am having major heart surgery next month, and this is something I would like to discuss with her before I undergo it.      What do you think?       --Nosey    Dear Nosey, Just before your surgery, as you're being wheeled off, tell her, "If I die, it's because you never told me you were adopted."    Dear John,      I am a college student who has a boyfriend. I...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine Every morning my father goes for a walk, rain or shine.      Even when he doesn’t want to go , he'll go. He’s so stubborn, he irritates himself.      Sometimes our conversations will sound like this: "Man, I really don't feel like going on my walk this morning."      "Why don't you take a break?"      "A break from what?"      "From your walk."      "Why would I want to do that?"      "I mean, if you're not feeling good."      "Who said I'm not feeling good?"      "You did."      "I said I didn’t feel like going on my walk. I didn't say I didn't feel good. They’re not the same thing."      He has a point, I guess. I just wish he wouldn't make it with an Are-you-nuts? ...

  Today's Horrorscope! Sagittarius: It's April Fools! Yep, you qualify. Pisces: No one loves you. Aquarius: You're going to die alone. Taurus:  The fetus you aborted... it survived. Virgo:  Your mother-in-law is going to live forever. Aries: You'll never be happy. Gemini: Take my word for it, don't turn around... run! Libra: Reality is serving you notice. Cancer: Guess who's  expiration date has expired? Capricorn: You don't have problems. You have insufficient coffee. Scorpio: Nobody lives forever. Especially you. Leo: I'd have a doctor look at that mole if I were you. Jim Duchene Chief Scientrologist    American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

Today's Horrorscope! Sagittarius:  I wouldn't get out of bed if I were you. Pisces:  Hmm... what's that lump?  Aquarius:  You'll never be good enough. Taurus:  Is that a clown hiding in your closet? Virgo:  Crazy people don't care about restraining orders. Aries: Maybe it's a tumor. Gemini: There's no point in buying those green bananas. Libra: Fortunately, it won't be painful. Cancer: You're about to learn the meaning of the word irony. Capricorn: Is your health insurance paid up?  Just asking. Scorpio: How long have you had that mole? Leo: Your neighbor hasn't fed his pit bull in four days. Jim Duchene Chief Scienstrogist    American Chimpanzee JimDuchene.BlogSpot.com RaisingMyFather.BlogSpot.com @JimDuchene   

 Fake News Reports! I can get by on four hours of sleep a night...  ...and six more at work. I'm grumpy... ...even AFTER I've had my coffee, too. We come into this world alone, we go out of this world alone, and, in between, there's dating apps. #SixWordHorrorStory #SixWordHorrorStories The green beer gave me cancer. According to fact-checking site Lead Story, BBC journalists, and Mashable, the video of Joe Biden outside of the White House and strolling the south lawn is real. "Can you tell me where I am?" he asked a group of reporters. Just got my Trump Vaccine. I wonder what my super power is gonna be. Billionairess Kylie Jenner Is Expecting Her Fans Via GoFundMe To Pay For Her Best Friend & Makeup Artist Samuel Rauda's Surgery After A Car Accident! "Well, you certainly don't expect ME to pay for it?" Trying To Take Credit For Trump's Coronavirus Vaccine, A Confused Joe Biden Has Instead Mistakenly Taken Credit For The 500,000 Deaths CO...