American Chimpanzee

  Fake News Reports! A POEM: If there’s nothing  I wouldn’t do for you,  and there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for me, is that how we’ll spend our lives? Doing nothing for each other? ********** CEO Mark Zoidberg And Vice President Of Artificial Intelligence Jerome Pesenti Say They Are Shutting Down Facebook’s HAL 9000 Facial Recognition Program! Or ARE they? ********** Overheard At The COP26: “But enough about Satchel Paige, let me tell you about Satchel Paige.” ********** The Financial Times Reports That, Because Of Climate Change, By 2070 The Earth Will Be Practically Unlivable For 3 Billion Of Its Inhabitants! Well, I guess that solves the world’s overpopulation problem. ********** Emergency Mail-In Ballots From China Delayed By Sec. of Trans. Pete Buttigieg’s Supply Chain Collapse Cause Democrats To Lose Tuesday’s 2021 Election! ********** Elon Musk Says He’s Ready To End World Hunger By Giving The United Nations Six Billion Dollars Providing They Come Up With A W...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine My father.       I don't know how he knows, but he does. He can't see to the end of the room, but whenever I'm doing any kind of work in the house , somehow he knows and a few seconds later he’s situated himself right in the middle of it. It could be something as simple as my walking into the kitchen early in the wee morning hours to fix my wife a cup of coffee. I won't even turn on the light, but I'll see the light go on in the little in-law house in the front of our property. Then I’ll see him walk out his door toward the main house. Sometimes I'm able to sneak back upstairs with our coffee before he makes it into the house, but sometimes...      "Where's my coffee?" my wife will ask when I walk back into our bedroom empty-handed.      "Um... ah... well..." I'll begin to explain.      "Your father?"      "Yeah....

   Fake News Reports! It’s Election Day! And all across the nation good Americans are heading out to cast their vote two, maybe three times. ********** White Supremacist Wears Confederate Flag At Virginia Gubernatorial Candidate Glenn Youngkin’s Loudoun County Rally! or On The Verge Of Losing Governor Race, Desperate Terry McAuliffe Sneaks Into Opponent’s Rally Wearing Confederate Flag! ********** Health Officials And Fact-Checkers Insist Masks Are Safe And Effective In Preventing Covid-19! So then we DON’T need to get vaccinated? “Hey, let’s not go crazy out there.” ********** The White House Releases Framework To Joe Biden’s 1.75 Trillion Dollar Economic Build Back Better Act! “It’s a two-part plan,” a spokesman for his administration explained. “First we take your money, then we waste it.” ********** For The First Time Since Fatally Shooting Cinematographer Halyna Hutchins On The Set Of His Movie “Rust,”Alec Baldwin Publicly Speaks Out! “If only there was one person who had the...

  Fake News Reports! El Paso, Texas! Where else can you go through all four seasons in one day? ********** What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?  An extra hour of rain. ********** What do you call a month's worth of rain?  England. ********** Netflix Employees To Stage A Walkout Because They Didn’t Get Their Way! “Waaah!” a spokesman for the disgruntled employees explained. “Waaah!” ********** Today Is National Pronouns Day! For those of you who want to make confusing personal pronouns commonplace, listen to Demi Lovato. That’s what you sound like. ********** Condoleezza Rice Goes On ABC’s The View! I understand that qualifies for combat pay. ********** The Albuquerque Journal Wonders Who—The Governor Or The Legislature—Should Spend Federal Relief Funds! Well, since you’re asking, how about ME? ********** THIS JUST IN: Giant Asteroid Hurtling Toward The Earth. Contact Imminent! Humanity Doomed! “I’ll get right on it,” Buttigieg promises, as he heats up a bottle ...

   Fake News Reports! The San Francisco Chronicle Reports On An Elderly Bay Area Couple Who Were Robbed By Their Caregiver! “I didn’t steal from them,” the caregiver corrected. “In the interest of reparations, I took the liberty of redistributing their wealth.” ********** I’m not saying my ex was a bad cook, but when she followed a recipe from the newspaper it was from the obituaries. ********** I’m not saying my ex is a lush, but the only thing she knows how to fix is a martini. ********** The Albuquerque Journal Reports That THREE Mayoral Candidates Will Debate On KOAT-TV! “We’re giving you this heads up so you can make plans to watch something else.” ********** I’m not saying my ex isn’t getting enough sleep, but the last time she was at the grocery store they asked her “Paper or plastic,” and she said, “Neither, I’ll just use the bags under my eyes.” ********** I’m not saying my ex was a bad cook, but the only time something smelled good coming from the kitchen was when she wa...

as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine  Every now and then one of my readers will ask about my mother.      The reason I don’t write about her more often is because my beautiful wife can always tell when I’ve been crying. When I cried at my mother’s funeral, she asked if it was because of my haircut.      I write about my father by default. When my mother died, my wife and I--mainly my wife--made the decision to invite my elderly, pre-Alzheimer’s father to move in with us. His good years were mainly behind him. He went from being someone who could fix anything to someone who could break anything at any time at the worst possible moment. I’m not particularly handy, so it’s been a chore.      My youngest sister took care of my mother the last years of her life, and I’m grateful to her. Bathing my mother and changing her diaper, well, let’s just say I’m not half the man my sister is. My father, for the most pa...

   Fake News Reports!      I am honored to have just won the Nobel Prize for humor. ********** Monday Was National Taco Day! Somehow, it feels kind of wrong that it wasn’t on a Tuesday. ********** I see Matt Damon is trending on Twitter! What’s that goober done now? ********** Experts Are Saying That Joe Biden’s Vaccine Mandate For Workers Is Supported By Legal Precedent! Unfortunately, those legal precedents are in communist countries. ********** The New York Times Reports That In Portugal There Is No One Left To Vaccinate! “So we’re going to need something else to keep our people in line,” Vice Adm. Henrique Gouveia e Melo said. ********** Albuquerque’s District 1 City Council Candidates All Agree That CRIME Is Their Number One Issue! SOLVING crime comes in a distant last. ********** The Journal Predicts A Quiet Weather Week For Albuquerque! “Cloudy, with a chance of gunfire.” ********** The Albuquerque Journal Reports That Speed Cameras Are Coming To It’s City’s ...