American Chimpanzee

  Fake News Reports!   Comedian Dave Chappelle Was Attacked Last Night While Performing On Stage At The Hollywood Bowl! Will Smith was unavailable for comment. *********  Pete Davidson Returns To Standup! Isn’t comedy supposed to be funny? *********  Pete Davidson Reveals That He Has Kim Kardashian’s Children Tattooed On His Body! Yeah, like THAT’S not a red flag. *********   Meghan Markle’s Archewell Series Canceled When Netflix Realizes There’s No Audience For Crap! ********* Joe Biden Cancels $6.8 Billion In Student Loan Debt For Over 110,000 People! “What the heck, it’s not MY money.” ********* The View’s Joy Behar Takes Back Her Call For A “Sex Strike” Should The Supreme Court Overturn Roe Vs Wade When She Realizes A Sex Strike Would Lead To Less Abortions! ********* Amber Heard Cries Without Tears While Testifying Against Johnny Depp! Hmm… I wonder what LeBron James Has To Say About That? ********* In Response To The Roe Vs Wade Controversy, Canadian Prime...

  Fake News Reports! “A bum asked me for a bite… so I bit him.” FALSE! Twitter fact-checkers have determined there is no evidence of Henny Youngman ever having bitten a bum. ********* A Clinical Study Has Shown Ivermectin Does NOT Help With Covid-Xi! In a related story, a clinical study has determined that Ivermectin DOES help with Covid-Xi. Trust the experts, kids. ********* According To The Huffington Post, Experts Suggest That Even If You DON’T Have Covid-Xi, You Could STILL Have Covid-Xi!       Trust the experts, kids. ********* “I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I’ll never know.” FALSE! Twitter fact-checkers have determined that an elephant could not have fit in Groucho Marx’s pajamas. ********* The Thirst Trap: Your badge can get you women, but women can get your badge. ********* “You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” FALSE! Twitter fact-checkers have determined that Bob Hope is incorrect. ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine Growing up, my father was always on me for one thing or another.       When I was in high school, and prone to testing the limits of my curfew when I’d go out on a Friday or Saturday night , he would always make it a point to wake me early the next morning.      "Da- aaad ," I'd whine, covering my head with the blanket.      "Just get out of bed," he'd say.       I'm sure he was trying to teach me a lesson, but it was a lesson I didn't want to learn. It took awhile, but the lesson I eventually learned was, if I got up, he would go inside, and I could then lay on the floor out of sight on the other side of the bed, happily spending the rest of the morning in dreamland. Happily, that is, until he discovered what I was doing.      My snoring gave me away.      As a kid, I was forever fo...

  Fake News Reports!    How the Fantastic Four Got Their Names    Reed Richards: “As your leader, I’ll be known as Mr. Fantastic. Ben, you’ll be The Thing. Johnny, you’re The Human Torch. Sue, we’ll call you The Invisible Girl!” Susan Storm: “But I’m a grown woman, Reed.” “Not now, sweet cheeks. The men are talking.” ********* After Joe Biden’s Ghost Gun Infomercial, Sales SKYROCKET! ********* The Royal Formally Known As Prince Harry And His Wife Meghan Markle Visit His Grandmother Queen Elizabeth For The First Time In TWO Years! “Can you loan us some money?” they ask. ********* If you can’t tone it, tan it. ********* CBP Officers Inspecting Luggage At Washington Dulles Airport Were Shocked To Find Bat Meat In A Traveler’s Baggage! Are you sure it’s bat meat? “Sure tasted like bat meat to me.” ********* Not Satisfied With It’s Stock Crashing Over 20% After Losing More Than 200,000 Subscribers In Its First Quarter, Netflix Pays Barack & Michele Obama MILLION...

  Fake News Reports!    Two Months Into Putin’s Invasion, Russia STILL Can’t Conquer Ukraine! Let me get this straight, THESE are the people we’re afraid of? ********* Peace Talks With Russia Scheduled To Begin Today! In a related story, Ukrainian peace negotiators allegedly POISONED. “Oops,” says Putin. ********* Under House Arrest, Immanuel Segura Arrested For Selling Guns & Drugs Out Of His Brother’s Albuquerque Apartment! “Was that wrong?” the young entrepreneur asked the arresting officer. “Because I wouldn’t have done it if someone had told me it was wrong.” *********    When not spending 100% of his time thinking about the homeless, California Governor Gavin Newsom brags about studying books that were banned in other states instead of solving his own state’s problems ********* Humans have evolved into a higher form of intelligence and a lower form of intelligence at the same time. Don’t know which one you are? Well, that answers the question right the...

  RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene   The Simulatrix “Where’s Neo When You Need Him?” Every morning when I wake up I have to blow my nose.      Maybe it’s my allergies. Maybe it’s my CPAP machine. Maybe, since my nose runs and my feet smell, I’m built backwards. Whatever it is, more often than not, when I toss the tissue into the small trash can my beautiful wife has thoughtfully provided, the tissue doesn’t make it in and I have to bend over, pick it up, and sadly come to terms with why I never played in the NBA.      I could understand this happening once in a while, but the MAJORITY of the time? What are the odds of that? I was an average basketball player in school, so I should be able to negotiate the three feet from my hand to the inside of the trash can, but something always happens. It bounces off the rim, it catches a nice breeze, it gets invaded by Putin.      That got me thinking, I must b...

  Fake News Reports!    Within Hours Of Being Discovered By Astronomers, An Asteroid CRASHES Into The Earth! “What a waste of a perfectly good Extinction Level Event,” said disaster movie director Michael Bay. ********* Within Hours Of Being Discovered By Astronomers, An Asteroid CRASHES Into The Earth! “Don’t blame me,” deflects Joe Biden, when asked about the rising cost of everything, “blame the racist asteroid.” ********* After Two Years, The New York Times Has Finally Confirmed That The Incriminating Hunter Biden Laptop Is Authentic! Why is the news media always the last to know? ********* The Largest Study To Date Conducted By Experts & Science Indicates That Ivermectin Is Ineffective Against Severe Covid-Xi Cases! Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea: why don’t we administer a coronavirus cure BEFORE it’s too late? ********* CDC Admits It “Accidentally” Inflated Covid-Xi Death Numbers In Children Due To “Coding Logic Error”! I know,  know… math is hard. ********* If...