American Chimpanzee

  Fake News Reports! My wife wants me to help clean the kitchen. I told her I’d polish off the leftovers. ********* The Washington Post Reveals That The FBI Agents Who Raided President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Home Were Searching For Classified Documents Related To Nuclear Weapons!   …but instead left with 21+ boxes filled with panties confiscated from Melania’s underwear drawer. ********* Having Lost Nesting Habitats Due To Storms, High Tide, & Predation, The Kemp's Ridley Sea Turtle~One Of The Most Endangered In The World~Has Laid Its Eggs On The Newly Renourished Galveston Beach!    “We’ll,” said the turtle, “I had to lay them somewhere.” ********* The World's Rarest Sea Turtle Lays Her Eggs On The Newly Renourished Galveston Beach! “And they were f*cking delicious,” a satiated Beto O’Rourke burps contentedly. ********* According To A Fox News Poll, 75% Of Americans Are Dissatisfied With The Direction Politicians Are Taking The United States!     What? ...

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene It’s The Little Things “you’re never too old to learn” It's not the big things that drive you nuts... it's the little things.      When I first asked my elderly father to move in with us, I knew there would be a period of adjustment. What I didn't know was just how long that period of adjustment would be. Here it is, years later, and I'm still adjusting.      My father?      He's doing just fine.      My father had been the head of his household well into his 80's. Myself, I've been in charge of my own life since I turned 18, when I put what I learned in my high school geography class to use and went to college out of state.      As a kid, I learned early on that no one was allowed to touch my father's morning newspaper until he was finished reading it, and, believe me, he took a loo...

  Fake News Reports!    Insomnia is God’s way of telling me I’m not done fighting with my wife. ********* After Nine Months, Kim Kardashian And Pete Davidson Have Called It Quits!    “I’ll NEVER get the smell out of my house,” the reality star laments. ********* In An Albuquerque Journal Update, Prosecutors In New Mexico Are Awaiting The Results Of The Forensics In The Fatal Film-Set Shooting Of Cinematographer Halyna Hutchins By Alec Baldwin Before They Can Let The Hollywood Star Off With A Slap On The Wrist! ********* Joe Biden Has Finally Tested NEGATIVE After Several Recurring Bouts Of COVID-Xi, Dr. Kevin C. O’Connor Announced Today.    “The President continues to feel very well,” the White House physician said, “and looks forward to his next recurrence.” ********* Deadly Lighting Strike In Washington DC Kills 3, Injures 4–All Democrats!    It’s official:    God’s picked a side. ********* Jimmy Wales Tells Gizmodo How The Intern...

  Fake News Reports!    I like going to the shoe store. It’s the only place I’m considered a 10. *********   While Acknowledging “The Lord Will Say” When It’s Time, Pope Francis Tells Reporters He May Step Down Due To Health Issues.    “It’s exhausting being waited on hand and foot,” he explains. *********   Despite A Threat From China That There Would Be “Resolute And Strong Measures” Should Democrat Nancy Pelosi Visit Taiwan, The House Speaker Did So Anyway!    “I really needed a new maid,” she explained. *********   Under Pressure From The Woke, Beyoncé Confirms She Will Remove An Ableist Slur From Her 7th Studio Album “Renaissance”!   “But let me assure my fans,” she said, assuring her fans, “that I’ll continue to refer to women as ‘bitches’ and ‘hoes’ and call blacks the N-word.” *********   Scientists Bring Dead Pig Organs Back To Life!    “Next, we’ll work on Bob Dylan.” *********  ...

   Fake News Reports!    I’m not offensive by nature. It takes me a lot of practice. *********   THIS JUST IN:    CNN News Opinionator Jim Acosta STILL Obsessed With President Trump! *********   The World Health Organization Declares Monkeypox To Be A Global Emergency As Cases Surge!    Not that they asked me, but if they wanted us to take Monkeypox seriously they shouldn't have given it such a funny name. *********   Pope Francis, On A “Pilgrimage Of Penance,” Traveled To Canada To Personally Apologize To The Indigenous Populations There For Role The Catholic Church Played In The Residential School System Abuse Scandal!    “And also for Justin Trudeau.” *********   In An Instagram Post On Saturday, Martha Stewart Announced The Death Of Six Of Her Pet Peacocks!    “They were glorious birds,” she tweeted, “so friendly… and so delicious.” *********   Jordan Peele’s “Nope” Star Keke Pa...

  Fake News Reports!    I used to have a mustache, but my ex got it in the divorce. *********   In An Address To The United Nations, The Royal Formerly Known As Prince Harry Admitted How Climate Change Has Left Him Feeling “Battered And Helpless”!    “Climate change,” of course, being code for “marriage to Meghan Markle.” *********   On NBC’s “Meet The Press,” Biden’s Climate Czar John Kerry Warns, “We Are Way Behind” And Need To “Accelerate The Transition” To Green Energy!    “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get on my private jet and take a joyride to one of my many mansions.” *********   In His Campaign For Governor, Green Energy Candidate Beto O’Rourke Begins His 5,600+-Mile, 49-Day “Drive For Texas” Today!    And what would you like to accomplish by doing all that driving, B.O.?    “I’d like to get all those selfish Americans to stop using fossil fuels.” *********   While Speaking Befo...

  Fake News Reports! IT’S OFFICIAL: With His Re-Election Coming Up, Californian Governor Gavin Newsom Will Give Some People In His State A “One-Time” Stimulus Payment!    Who’s getting it?    I’m checking the list now.    Sorry, you’re not on it. ********* Disgruntled Hollywood Celebrities CANCELED Yesterday’s 4th Of July Celebration Blaming It On The Supreme Court’s Recent Abortion Ruling!    Unfortunately, I missed the memo, so my family and I had a great time. ********* On A Recent Episode Of His Radio Show, Howard Stern Revealed The Three Things He Will Do As President!    “Caca, peepee, poopoo,” he vowed. ********* The Telegraph Reports An Anti-Hangover Pill That Breaks Down Alcohol In The Body Is Now On Sale!    Or… we could not drink.    Aw, who am I kidding? ********* A New Recording Of Bob Dylan's Classic Protest Song "Blowin' in the Wind" Has Sold At Auction For 1.7 MILLION Dollars!    If the ...