American Chimpanzee

 as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim and Henry Duchene Getting Old Sure Stinks (Part One) “sharing is caring, unless they’re problems” I’ve reached the age where I've gone from “old enough to know better” to “too old to care.”      Fortunately for me, my wife cares, so she makes sure I go to my various doctor appointments where I get poked, prodded, and lectured. Unfortunately for her, I’m like my mother, who didn’t care to go to the doctor or take medication, and yet somehow lived to a ripe old age.      When I explained this aversion to my buddy Maloney, he reminded me of a friend of ours who recently died from prostate cancer. Like my mother, our friend also didn’t like going to the doctor. By the time he went, his cancer was Stage 4 and already spreading to his other organs.      “If they caught it earlier,” Maloney told me, “he’d be alive today.”      "See...

  Fake News Reports! A good book never apologizes.  ********* What does Labor Day mean to me? It means I get my unemployment check a day late. ********* Things That Make Me Go Hmm: Why does The Green Hornet have a black car? ********* According To The Albuquerque Journal The FBI Has Served SIXTEEN Federal Search Warrants On Thursday In South Valley!    “You never know where President Trump might be hiding classified documents,” a spokesman for the federal agency said. ********* In A POPSUGAR UK Exclusive Quote, Madonna Reveals She’s “GAGGING To Work With Britney (Spears) Again”!    Tell me... is that a good thing? ********* A Scientific Study Has Determined That Space Radiation May Have Caused Astronauts To Have A Higher Rate Of Genetic Mutations In Their Blood-Forming Stem Cells!    So far, no superpowers have been observed. ********* According To Information Given To Them By The CISA, Fact-Checkers Assure The American Public That Voting Machines...

Once upon a time...   It was Goldman who gave me the bad news.     “She’s dying,” he said, speaking words that could get him hung for treason. He was the Queen of England’s official biographer, and an old friend of mine.     I shook my head wistfully. It was hard to believe that my one true love has sat on the throne for 65 years, which, coincidentally enough, is the same amount of time she's been Queen.     I guess I should begin at the beginning.     At the beginning of World War Two, when she was still a princess in her teens, I was hired to clean out the royal stables. Back then, her two favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting me. She knew my name, but never called me by it, and nothing gave her as much pleasure as ordering me around.     “Stableboy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.”    ...

  as featured in Desert Exposure Magazine RaisingDad by Jim Duchene Fuzzy Consciousness “easing my way into geezerhood” I’ve reached the age where I've gone from “old enough to know better” to “too old to care.”      Fortunately for me, my wife cares, so she makes sure I go to my various doctor appointments where I get poked, prodded, and lectured. Unfortunately for her, I’m like my mother, who didn’t care to go to the doctor or take medication, and yet somehow lived to a ripe old age.      When I explained this aversion to my buddy Maloney, he reminded me of a friend of ours who recently died from prostate cancer. Like my mother, our friend also didn’t like going to the doctor. By the time he went, his cancer was Stage 4 and already spreading to his other organs.      “If they caught it earlier,” Maloney told me, “he’d be alive today.”      "See?" my wife said, also reminding me of ...

  Fake News Reports! Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure beats being broke. ********* NPR Tells Us Three Ways Biden’s Inflation Reduction Act Will Pay Us To Combat Climate Change!    PAY us?    Can that really be true, NPR?    “HA! GOT’CHA!” ********* After Being Paid 8 Million Dollars, Bryce Dallas Howard Complains To Hollywood Entertainment Rag Variety That She Made “So Much Less” Money Than Chris Pratt On The Jurassic World Sequels!    Oh, honey… nobody’s seeing movies because YOU’RE in them. ********* Meghan Markle & The Royal Formally Known As Prince Harry Are Scheduled To Return To The UK In September!    “And that old bag better not give us any crap about lending us money,” the red-headed Mr. Markle pronounced. ********* Last Month, While Performing On Stage In Her Long-Delayed Chromatica Ball, Lady Gaga Was Hit On The Head By Something From The Audience!    “It was an accident,” explains a contrite Ron Jer...

  Fake News Reports! My wife wants me to help clean the kitchen. I told her I’d polish off the leftovers. ********* The Washington Post Reveals That The FBI Agents Who Raided President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Home Were Searching For Classified Documents Related To Nuclear Weapons!   …but instead left with 21+ boxes filled with panties confiscated from Melania’s underwear drawer. ********* Having Lost Nesting Habitats Due To Storms, High Tide, & Predation, The Kemp's Ridley Sea Turtle~One Of The Most Endangered In The World~Has Laid Its Eggs On The Newly Renourished Galveston Beach!    “We’ll,” said the turtle, “I had to lay them somewhere.” ********* The World's Rarest Sea Turtle Lays Her Eggs On The Newly Renourished Galveston Beach! “And they were f*cking delicious,” a satiated Beto O’Rourke burps contentedly. ********* According To A Fox News Poll, 75% Of Americans Are Dissatisfied With The Direction Politicians Are Taking The United States!     What? ...